


A Working Relationship

by engineDriver



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Alcohol, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, F/M, Flashback Heavy, M/M, Post-Break Up, Rating will go up later, Slow Burn, minor homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-03-27 15:08:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 52,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13883427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/engineDriver/pseuds/engineDriver
Summary: Set 2-3 years before the events of FE: Fates. Written from both Saizo and Kagero’s POV.When you balance a work-romance life with your co-worker, and the relationship ends, where do you both stand now? Can you set your past aside when you’re both placed on a critical assignment?





	1. But the Fire Went Wild

        The lightness of feet lands gracefully, sound muffled by the dampness of the soil from the recent rain. Kagero adjusts the hem of her tunic, which rolled up her leg in her leap from the Shirasagi Castle entrance gate. She looks around at castle grounds, the rich colors of the trees and the flowering bushes of the late spring a stark contrast to the foggy sky on this abnormally-gray day. The kunoichi closes her eyes and inhales the lingering smell of rain.

        It’s a relief to have made it home alive again.

        She touches her hip to ensure that the tube containing the document, the focus of her mission, is still tied there. And naturally, it is.

        Kagero zig-zags up the staggered layers of roof tiles. The clinking of ceramic tiles accompanies her footfalls. Reaching one of the top floors of her castle, she slips through a window and proceeds down the hallway. Another ninja passes her and gives her an affirming nod. She returns it.

        As usual, she does not bother to stop first in her own room after her mission and heads to her liege’s quarters.

        Kagero opens the sliding screens to reveal the High Prince and Saizo, in conversation by the former’s writing desk. Ryoma gives her a warm smile. Her partner’s stern expression doesn’t change upon her arrival. She kneels in front of her lord, and even though he was already present, Saizo also gets down on one knee.

        “Kagero. Welcome home. It’s good to see you back safe again.”

        She bows her head, “Thank you, Milord.”

        She uncaps the lid from the tube tied to her side and unrolls the documents, smoothing them out. She carefully presents them to the High Prince, head bowed again. “I was able to retrieve the documents you requested.”

        Ryoma nods and receives the crinkling pieces of parchment, “Very good. Thank you for your hard work.”

        “It seems it is as we suspected, Lord Ryoma. The Nohrian army is breeding more Faceless. These documents also include formation plans for small regiments of the creatures to march on villages on the Hoshidan border.”

        The prince’s brow crinkles, “I see. That’s very grave news. I’ll share these documents with the war council when we meet in several days . We’ll discuss how many soldiers we will need to send to protect the Hoshidan border.”

        “Thank you, Milord-”

        “-How did you do it?”

        Kagero turns to look at the other retainer, his arms crossed.

        “Pardon?”

        “That outpost on the Nohrian border has been heavily patrolled for the last three months. How were you able to find and obtain the document by yourself without rousing suspicion or leaving behind a suspiciously large amount of bodies?”

        Saizo’s steely eye trains on her.

        “You are right… there were many Nohrian guards present at the station. However, after several days, I was able to figure out their shift schedule. I was also fortunate to observe a captain removing the documents from the shelf where they were stored. I waited for the exact moment when only one guard was in the vicinity. I quickly killed her, retrieved the document, and escaped with the both of them. I threw the guard’s body in a river kilometers away from the station.” Kagero engages her partner’s eye.

        The redheaded ninja’s brow furrows. Lord Ryoma glances between his two retainers.

        Saizo closes his good eye and says in an unusually level voice, “I see your point.” 

        Kagero gulps at his chilly response, expecting an impassioned, hot-blooded rebuttal. She can only nod at him, stiffly, and immediately turns her face towards Lord Ryoma. The High Prince says nothing but studies both of the ninjas’ expressions.

        They uneventfully go through the rest of the motions of mission debriefing. Kagero and Ryoma give short responses. Saizo barely offers any more comments.

        Finally, Ryoma gives his retainer a weary smile, “You must be exhausted, Kagero. Why don’t you take the rest of the afternoon and evening off?”

        The kunoichi bows towards him, “Thank you for your generosity, Lord Ryoma. I will report to you tomorrow morning.” And she takes her leave, leaving the two men in the room behind her.

        Ryoma sighs lightly and crosses his arms. He turns towards his other retainer, “Is everything alright, Saizo?”

        Saizo, slightly taken aback, shakes his head, “Yes, Lord Ryoma. Everything is in order.”

        The prince frowns. “You were awfully quiet when Kagero was present. You’re usually more generous with your feedback.” Ryoma doesn’t dwell upon it much longer. “But I’m happy to have both you and Kagero back here together. It must have been strange to have been working without your partner for several weeks.”

        Ryoma’s smile is kind, “You must be happy to have her back as well. At least we can support each other during these turbulent times.”

        The ninja stares at the corner of the writing desk and nods. “…Yes, Milord.”

* * *

        That night, Saizo and Kagero went to bed in their separate quarters.

        But out of habit, Saizo first faced her door after finishing his guard shift. His hand reached out to slide open the fusuma, but he remembered the grave expression on Kagero’s face the last time they saw each other before her mission. She apologized when she told him that this had to end, even though her voice sounded as if she let out a breath she held in for so long. Saizo bowed his head and left.

        To Kagero in her room down the hall, the relief that initially came with ending their relationship two weeks earlier transformed into something murkier now. It was especially apparent as she sat alone on her own futon.

        Dark, loose lines recount the events of her return to Shirasagi Castle in her diary entry. Tonight, Kagero feels as if by writing down the events of the day on paper, they have detached from her person. She forgets what she has written, repeating the same sentence or staring blankly at the inky page.

        The kunoichi eyes the stack of used pages on the right-hand side of the booklet, inviting her to riffle through them, live vicariously through her recent past. Her conscience urges her to finish today’s entry, but the temptation is too strong. It’s not as if she is invading her own privacy, after all. Satisfied with scribbling down a few short sentences, Kagero flips to the first page of the small booklet.

The 15th Day of the 2nd Month.

_I asked Saizo out of curiosity if his firstborn child is a girl, would she succeed him as the sixth heir of his line. He answers that every other ninja to take the name has been a male, even if he is not the firstborn child. And besides, it is a rather masculine role._

_We argued about it for an hour as we guarded Lord Ryoma’s chambers._

  
        The Kagero of the recent past wrote in sharp, quick lines. She questioned if her lover secretly thought she was weaker than him, even though they both served their lord in an equal capacity. _When we were training as ninja when we were much younger, I often overpowered him in sparring_ , she wrote. The Kagero of the present smiles bittersweetly and reads on.

        Her past self hoped that he would reconsider his views about his heir, particularly with the implications accompanying them, and that he would be the first to see how wrong he was.

        Saizo was the first to make a move at the beginning of their relationship. In the present, he thinks about what happened nearly three years ago as he prepares his futon. After dragging the futon out of the closet and laying blankets on top of it, he pulls out two pillows, one of which Kagero used to sleep on the nights she spent in his room. He decides to stack it under his own rather than store it away.

        Even though he wasn’t aware of it at the time, a tiny gesture he made to his partner sparked a new development in their relationship.

        At some point several years ago, Kagero and Saizo partnered together on a reconnaissance mission in a small city outside of Windmire. Their lord assigned them to observe a Nohrian official suspected of obtaining smuggled weapons and supplies from a minister of Izumo. After day 3 or 4, their energy ebbing and with no significant intelligence coming from the official’s manor so far, the two ninja decided to alternate sleeping with the other listening and taking notes.

        Saizo woke up from one of his shifts sleeping to find that his partner had also fallen asleep next to him on the branch. Typically, shinobi pinch or tap each other in such an event (one of the exceptions for Saizo was his own brother, who he would occasionally punch in the shoulder). But some hidden force or longing compelled him to reach out for Kagero’s hand and squeeze out.

        She woke up immediately from the contact, and apologized sheepishly for falling asleep. Looking down at Saizo holding her hand, the red on her cheeks only grew.

        Both flustered, he apologized, and she apologized, yet neither one let go. In the tanglement of the barren trees, they silently reassured themselves that no one else could witness their budding affection. Eventually, Kagero laced her fingers through Saizo’s and he gripped her hand a little tighter.

        After their return to Shirasagi, the two retainers found private moments to hold hands again and embrace one another in the secret corridors and hidden trapdoors of the castle. They prayed that no other ninja would witness them, or at least not spread gossip. Shinobi actively discouraged displays of affection, particularly among those who worked closely together. Saizo thinks the exhilaration from the secrecy and the suppression of physical content first drew them to one another.

        But it was their growing crushes, born from years of friendly competition and admiration, that kept them together. His heart raced thinking about seeing Kagero’s shy and pretty smile when they were alone and the way her body pressed back into his when he held her.

        Meanwhile in the present, Kagero’s heart also raced as she read through the entries of her diary through the end of the 2nd month. The memories of the fight and its conclusion resurfaced.  
For several days, the tone of her writing alternated between vitriolic and apprehensive as she and Saizo spent their private time either arguing or in cool silence. In one entry scrawled across the page, she wrote:

_How **dare** he insult my family for sending me to the capital in Kosuke’s place. He speaks of honoring his family’s legacy yet he ignores my own! He does not know how difficult it was for them to choose me, who was not born to live this lifestyle, over my older brother. Does Saizo truly think that he, who barely has the strength to throw a kunai, would be more capable of serving the royal family than me?_

        An anger slowly burns in her stomach, the Kagero of the present flips ahead through her diary several days.

        The 20th Day of the 2nd Month: the Kagero of the past finally made a breakthrough with Saizo after one of their meetings with their lord. She told him that he must doubt the ability of the women who have served as retainers for countless generations and the judgment of the past and present rulers for choosing them to guard their lives. Her penmanship is freer, confident.

        Her partner was too dumbfounded to say anything without offending the royal family, and he shuffled out of the corridor. Finally, in an entry several days later, she recorded:

_Saizo approached me while I was training and asked if we could speak in private. He looked so weary as he apologized for implying that a woman could not protect the royal family as a man in the same role. It was foolish of him when he knows that I am a strong, wise, and completely competent as our lord’s retainer. I forgave him._

  
_He told me too that he thought a lot about my words and the tradition of having the first-born son take on the name and role of Saizo. He thinks that if his first-born child is a girl, he would be grateful for her to succeed her father’s place._

        Kagero’s heart warms as she continues to read about their reconciliation. As stubborn as he is, Saizo’s respect for her and her strong sense of reason consistently have the power to shake his passionate convictions.  _He is a passionate man, and he showed that side of him to me tonight_. Saccharine as the line was, it still makes Kagero flush to be reminded of her intimate relationship with her ex-lover.

        But further down, a line she wrote so carelessly months ago extinguishes any further vicarious interest in reading further: _I can’t help but wonder if we will bring this child into the world together.  
_

        Too ashamed to even look at the diary, she shuts it quietly, slipping it underneath her futon. Kagero tucks herself under the sheets and comforter and doesn’t even bother to blow out the lantern’s flame. She is suddenly aware that this is the first time she has slept alone in her room after the breakup.

        She forgot how cold it gets at night in the late spring and shivers.

        Saizo too has slept alone for two weeks straight, but it pains him to know she sleeps just down the hall from him. Stomaching the breakup was almost easier during her absence. He bitterly thinks how Kagero ending the relationship before she left was a way to help them both cope.

        He thinks about how after the initial secret meet-ups, how quickly their relationship accelerated. How he let her peel down his mask and she boldly kissed him for the first time. How later, she guided his hand to show him where to touch her. How one night in the twilight hours, he knocked on her screen door. They stumbled through their first time, but they held each other afterwards. A silent reverence glowed over them like the heat radiating from their bodies (his more so than hers, she had to kick the sheets off of her futon in the chilly autumn night).

        And also how they fought for the first time. How they avoided each other for days. How he first told her that he loved her, and she returned the words back with one of her rare open-mouth smiles. How eventually, their relationship slid into a cycle of falling into arguments and back into each other’s arms.

  
       Imperfect as their relationship was, it had worked for them for nearly three years. But as tensions with Nohr heightened in recent months, their fights spilled over from their personal to their professional lives. They found the guilt of prioritizing fixing their romantic relationship over protecting their liege too heavy to bear. Ending it was inevitable, he tells himself now.

        It was almost a relief at first with Kagero’s absence. Without having to worry about the state of their relationship, Saizo threw himself into training and his duties and was pleased to notice a slight improvement within days. But in the idleness of waiting for sleep, the thoughts and feelings he suppressed for several weeks bubbled up, corrosive and scorching.

        Their heat was almost suffocating.

* * *

        Several days later, Kagero wandered through the castle halls on her way to the training courtyard. She thought there was no better way to occupy her mind and improve her abilities as a retainer than to practice throwing shuriken.

        “Excuse me, Master Kagero.”

       She turns around to find another ninja behind her. They both nod at each other. The latter, as a lower-ranking shinobi, bows his head slightly deeper.  
“Master Shino requests your presence in the training courtyard.”

        “Thank you, Terumoto. In fact, I was on my way there now.” Terumoto bows again before vanishing.

        Kagero arrives at the courtyard to find the senior kunoichi addressing a group of twenty trainees. Some of the pre-teens and young teenagers listen to Shino with full attention, while others talk to their friends or stare up at the high castle walls in awe, perhaps their first time away from their home villages.

        Kagero coughs, “Pardon me, Shino. I was told that you needed my assistance.”

        The other ninja turns around and they both bow slightly to one another. “Kagero, thank you for coming here. I hope it didn’t inconvenience you with your duties.” She turns to the group of recruits, who stare at the new arrival.

        “Attention everyone, this is Kagero. You will refer to her as Master Kagero from now on. She is one of the best ninja in the country and serves Lord Ryoma as one of his retainers. It is a privilege for her to be setting her duties aside to meet with you today.”

        The young ninja murmur excitedly. Shino bows towards Kagero and presents a kunai, “Kagero, would you please show for these recruits what kind of prowess they should have by the time they become senior ninja?” The brunette is careful not to let her face betray any emotion, but she is flattered nevertheless to be praised so highly by her senior.

        She accepts the knife and steps over to a flowering tree near the group.

        Kagero inhales and leaps into the air, driving the kunai into the tree up to its hilt, peeling back the bark and shaking a windfall of petals to the ground. The recruits chatter among each other excitedly or watch apprehensively the kunoichi pry the knife out of the tree, all of the color drained from their faces.

        It’s better to retrieve the kunai now before Yukimura can reprimand her later for destroying another topiary.

  
        Facing the animated group, Shino barks at them to quiet down, they’ll never make it alive in the future if they’re chatty on a mission. She announces, “As you may have noticed in your home villages or have heard talk about it, there has been a larger enemy presence of Faceless on the Hoshidan border. Normally, I would be training you, but it is necessary that you learn from the best of the best if you want to face off against these blights and rid your homeland of them. This is why Kagero and her partner Saizo the Fifth will be your instructors.”

        A clamour rises among the ninja upon hearing the name of the legendary mountain clan. Kagero suppresses a gulp.

        She turns to the other Master Ninja, “Pardon me, Shino? Could you please explain the reasoning behind this assignment?”

        “Did you not hear about the assignment?” she bows apologetically towards the retainer, “I sincerely apologize. After this morning’s war council, Lord Ryoma directly requested for his retainers to be the instructors of the new recruits after evaluating the severity of the border situation.”

        “...I see.”

        “We have other ninja who can fill in for you and your partner’s duties-“ she interrupts herself to bark at the recruits again, who quiet down. “Kagero, is there anything you’d like for the recruits to prepare for before their training next week?”

        Kagero pauses and looks at the bright-eyed and nervous group. “I-we, will look forward to training and working with you.” She hopes the small, reassuring smile she gives the recruits does not look more like a grimace.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been outlining this fanfic on-and-off for months, and it is such a relief to finally start publishing it. Only for my laptop to give out on me the day I plan on uploading Chapter 1! So I think it will be a while before Chapter 2 comes out.
> 
> Even though I’m pretty neutral about Fates, Kagero and Saizo are my absolute favorite characters on the Birthright route. I am intrigued by both their past relationship and the other relationships they have, and I wrote this fic to help flesh them out and explore them when the writers didn’t.


	2. Consultation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kagero and Saizo receive some advice from those who are closest to them, whether or not they want to hear it.

     “…Brother?”

     Saizo, half-awake, groans at the rapping on his screen door.

    “S-Saizo, are you in there?”

    “Yes.”

    A pause. “We were going to train at dawn this morning… were you just asleep?”

    The redhead swears under his breath and rubs the crease between his eyebrows. “Just come in, Kaze.”

    Kaze slides open the door to find his twin sitting upright in the futon, with a sour frown to match.

    “Brother… you haven’t slept in since we both lived back in Igasato.”

    “ _Brother_ ,” Saizo’s tone is mocking, “You’re standing on my tunic. If you want to still train with me, you shouldn’t get in my way.”

    The younger of the two apologizes and steps off the garment, watching his brother quickly slide into his gear. His eyes narrow.

    “Is everything okay? Are you sick with something?”

    “No.” Saizo’s curt response as he ties the strings connecting his sleeves together.

    “You wouldn’t be so blunt if something wasn’t bothering you.”

    “Your concern is _touching_ , but it’s of no importance to you.”

    The green-haired ninja sighs and turns to the side. “Well, I guess I’ll ask Kagero instead-”

    “ _No_. Don’t you dare-” his brother interjects and halts before he can further compromise his privacy.

    Kaze raises his eyebrows, “Hm, is there a reason why you don’t want me to speak with your partner? Is everything going okay with the both of you?”

    “ _Please stop asking me about her_ ,” Saizo hisses quietly.

    “Well, then why don’t you tell me what’s going on instead? Won’t that be easier than just trying to coax it out of you instead?”

_Dammit._ Saizo decides not to give his twin the satisfaction of pouring out his feelings to him and deepening their fraternal bonds. Winding a set of bandages around his arms, he doesn’t even grunt in response.

    As hard as he tries to ignore him, he can sense Kaze’s unflinching gaze boring into him.

    He positions a gauntlet on his left arm and secures it with braided twine. He glances up to find Kaze’s face startlingly closer to his own. Too late to back down now, Saizo’s good eye twitches. His twin does not even blink once. The heat rises to his cheeks.

    “ _Fine_ , I’ll tell you,” he hisses, “Shit, Suzukaze. Just stop staring at me, okay?”

    Kaze gives a small satisfied smile. “And after all these years, it still works on you.”

    “…D-don’t think that you can just do that to your allies to get your way.” Saizo huffs. He doesn’t offer anything else at first, choosing to put on and adjust his mask.

    “I, no… Kagero and I. We, recently put an end to it.”

    His brother closes his eyes. His sigh is sympathetic. “Saizo, I am so sorry to hear that.”

    “Well, you got it out of me, like you always do.”

    Saizo knew that trying to keep secrets from another ninja, let alone his twin brother, was a pointless effort. As he trained for years in retaining information under the harshest torture, Kaze too, knew how to pry secrets from captured enemies or even close allies.

    Naturally, no matter how careful he and his former lover tried to be, he had no success in hiding his relationship in Kagero from him either. 

 

* * *

 

    Several years ago, just like today, Kaze met up at Saizo’s room one morning before they trained. The green-haired ninja noticed one of Kagero’s sketchbooks sticking from underneath the futon and mentioned that he always wanted to know what her art looked like.

    Unsolicited, Saizo foolishly offered that she was taking a break in his room after a rigorous training session. She must have left it behind yesterday. He really should return it.

    Kaze didn’t question it and silently flipped through the sketchbook. His complexion paled as he saw more and more of Kagero’s surreal art. The redheaded ninja then remembered a particularly compromising sketch inside and jumped to snatch the book, but his brother was too fast.

    He opened to a drawing in harsh, dark lines of Saizo propped up on one of his shoulders, reclining in his full glory. All the color remaining in Kaze’s face drained out and filled his brother’s cheeks instead.

    He knew he shouldn’t have let Kagero convince him to sit for a post-coital drawing, no matter how much she insisted that she needed more practice drawing nudes (“Your form has… particular aesthetic merits,” she offered). He grumbled the entire time that she got to keep the blanket around her while he posed and she sketched. She quietly teased that she would be cold without him otherwise.

    But nevertheless, she invited him inside of the blanket after she finished her study of his form, and he began of his own.

    Kaze closed the sketchbook and handed it to his twin. Saizo stiffly accepted it, watching the other man slide open the fusuma to leave. But before he had the chance, the green-haired man turned around with a wry smile.

    “So was this a part of the training warm-up or the cooldown afterwards, Brother?”

    Saizo had to exert an inhuman level of control to keep him from cleaving Kagero’s sketchbook into his brother’s head. Kaze wisely escaped, having got the notion.

 

* * *

 

    And now, Kaze faces him in his room once again.

    “…Was this a decision you both agreed with?”

    “We both knew it would be best to stop it. Our responsibilities to our lord are more important than any personal relationship.” Saizo’s voice is level. The other man frowns.

    “Sure… but are you positive that one of you wasn’t agreeing to this decision because the other was so convicted in it? In the years I’ve known you both, you rarely both agree on the same things.”

    “Why would it matter now? It is finished.”

    “Yes, but-”

    “But what, Kaze? You think that we didn’t go into this knowing that there would be one day when it had to end? Kagero and I were always aware this wouldn’t last forever. Protecting Lord Ryoma was always our priority.”

    “I trust your word, Saizo. And Kagero’s as well,” his furrowed brow betrays him, “But are you sure that you will still be able to work together as you did before?”

    Saizo snaps, “Why are you interrogating me like some enemy commander? Or Mother?” He grumbles, “You told me that you were going to stop asking me questions, so why don’t you? Maybe it’s better if you train alone today.”

    Kaze winces. “I’m sorry, Brother. I will keep my word. I know we don’t talk much about our personal lives, but knowing that this happened recently, I just… hope that you’re okay.

    “You were together for several years, and I can imagine how hard it would be to set old feelings and memories aside right away. Especially since you’re both working together so closely.”

    A pause. “I… heard about your new assignment.”

    The other ninja turns away.

    “But for what it’s worth, I want to say something as your brother and not one of your coworkers, for once. If you ever need to share more, I can be there for you, and I mean that sincerely.”

    “...Hmph.”

    Saizo pulls up his mask. “So do you want to train today or what, or do you just want to keep talking at me?”

 

* * *

 

    Wearing the spiky armor of a Master Ninja, Kagero clanks her way up to one of the highest floors of the castle. Whomever designed these uniforms didn’t consider how they’d move through tight stairwells, she thinks bitterly as she alternates twisting her shoulders to avoid ripping through the paper walls.

    Through the thinness of those walls, she can hear the laughter of two women’s voices. Orochi’s laughter resonates sharply and brightly, like the wind chimes hanging throughout her room. Lady Mikoto’s is quieter, but lively and contagious.

    Kagero smiles, the laughter of her former liege and best friend lifting her up the stairwell despite the weight of her armor. She waits patiently outside of Orochi’s room.

    The Queen makes her exit and smiles kindly at the woman outside. Kagero bows.

    “Lady Mikoto, good afternoon.”

    “Kagero, it is wonderful to see you again. I am sorry for making you wait.”

    “I-it is no trouble at all, Milady. Please, there is no need for you to apologize to me.” The kunoichi tries her hardest not to flush.

    Lady Mikoto smiles again and tells her that she appreciates the sentiment. She hopes to catch up with her soon, but she must go discuss the latest battle formations with Yukimura and Reina. Kagero bows to the Queen again who quietly nods and thanks her for her hard work.

    Orochi giggles at her friend’s embarrassment when she closes the door behind her.

    Neatly stacking her cards into a pile, she chuckles. “For a ninja expected to uphold such a grave demeanor, you never could keep your composure whenever a member of the royal family is kind to you, couldn’t you?”

    Kagero sighs, “Well, as their servants, the royal family should never feel as if they are inconveniencing us.”

    “But if our lieges go out of their way to do us a favor, wouldn’t you agree it would be more proper to show your gratitude rather than refuse the gift?” The diviner grins slyly.

    “Of course. I- I didn’t mean it in that sense.”

    “So don’t worry about it so much then!" She turns towards the brunette, "Would you like some tea?”

    The ninja nods and thanks her friend. She struggles to sit down in the leather plates of her armor, better adapted for movement than staying at rest, but finally adjusts to a comfortable position.

    “How has Lady Mikoto been doing lately? I never see her at her favorite spot by the courtyard pond anymore.”

    Orochi smiles and reaches over for the steaming kettle. Pouring hot water into a cup and without missing a beat, she plainly asks, “So what is troubling you, Kagero?”

    Kagero freezes. “I was just asking how my former liege is doing, since we were just discussing how she is doing-”

    The diviner’s laugh peals throughout the room. “I’m sorry, Kagero. But you’re my best friend, and Orochi can sense when you’re under a bad spell.” The sly grin returns. “And I know that you typically don’t go seeking out a deep conversation with me unless something is bothering you.”

    That earns a light chuckle from the kunoichi. Orochi’s face beams. “That’s the first time I’ve heard you laugh since the break-up, hm? I missed hearing it.”  

    As if she suddenly remembers something, her smile immediately flattens, “But don’t tell me that our ‘old friend’ of ours is the one who is causing you grief.”

    “… Saizo and I are on assignment to train the newest group of ninja recruits. Together. Which, as you can see,” She lifts an arm to show off the spikes. “I just returned from teaching the first session.”

    “I guess you have little choice but to tolerate him for now. How was it?”

    Kagero breathes out of her nose.

    “Saizo began the session by terrifying the recruits with the speech he always gives. About how dangerous it is to serve as ninja and the likelihood of their deaths. And how they will be expected to sacrifice their lives if necessary. They were almost ready to run off.

    "…I had to remind the recruits that when they receive the proper training and gain more experience, they can avoid such a scenario rather than seek it out.”

    Orochi grins wickedly, “That’s my Kagero, cutting such a stealthy blow. Good work.”

    The other woman smiles against the lip of her cup, taking a sip of tea.

    “It’s strange though, to work with him after the break-up. I never really thought it would be like this.”

    “Hmm, how do you mean?” Orochi’s eyes rise from behind her own cup.

    “Well, it seems as if nothing has changed. We are very professional in our conduct towards one another, as we have always been in serving Lord Ryoma. But there’s a coldness too, almost sterile. I suppose it is how we should behave, as coworkers and not as lovers, but it still makes me feel uneasy. And knowing how that makes me feel is... embarrassing.”

    Kagero glances down at the corner of the table.

    The purple-haired woman places her hand on the table to face Kagero’s own, as if trying to engage it in a dialogue.

    “I hate to hear you being so harsh on yourself. It’s not abnormal to have an awkward relationship with your ex, especially so soon after your relationship ended. Time will pass, and I think you will both find a way to work together again without the tension.”

    With a poignant smile, she adds, “First loves are always difficult heartbreaks, my dear.”

    The kunoichi frowns, and Orochi’s expression soon mirrors it. “Maybe you should spend more time focusing on things that _aren’t_ Saizo. Like painting, or practicing your flower arranging, or spending more time with your best friend?”

    Kagero glances up.

    “It makes me so sad to see you even more stoic than usual, but I know that a little bit more Orochi in your life is the best medicine!” She winks, “So why don’t we get up to our old trouble again, make an evening out of it sometime?”

    “Hmm, I don’t think you can rely on me to bring the energy and excitement,” the kunoichi smirks, “But I don’t suppose your tonic will be bad for me either. I like the vigor it instills in me.”

    Orochi’s cat-like grin, “And I have missed the mellowness of yours. Oh, I cannot wait to be spending more quality Kagero time with you! I can’t wait to get us wrangled up in something…”

    The diviner’s spirited lilt reminds Kagero of a much younger and bossier Orochi. The little girl would grab her hand and drag her off to play in the castle halls and trees on the grounds as soon as the former finished her ninja lessons.

    But her younger self would always follow, never inclined to leave the girl with the infectious laughter.

    And in the present, she doesn’t sense the urgency or guilt to excuse herself and resume her training. And instead, she decides that it is perfectly fine to spend the rest of her afternoon chatting and drinking tea with her old best friend.

 

* * *

 

    Saizo glares at the young ninja allegedly on guard duty outside of Lord Ryoma’s chambers. One slouches against the wall while the other sits with his arms and legs crossed.

    Completely undignified of one serving the royal family. An absolute disgrace for anyone to witness.

    The flash of white from his glass eye jolts them into standing up immediately. Saizo notices the drops of sweat gathering on the ninjas’ foreheads.

    “Do you take your duties so lightly? Hmph. You should be guarding the pantries from mice instead.”

    Saizo slides open the screen to the High Prince’s chambers and his expression shifts. He notices his liege seated in meditation. He moves stealthily so as not to disturb his session, and examines Lord Ryoma’s posture and face, a feat itself in balancing rigid control with an effortless looseness.

    “What do you need, Saizo?”

    The ninja nearly steps backward in alarm but instinctively bows first. “Lord Ryoma, I apologize for disturbing your meditation. If you would prefer to speak later, I will excuse myself now.”

    “No, it is alright. I don’t want to be spending all afternoon in meditation anyways.” He offers kindly, “How was your first day training the recruits?”

    “It was fine, Milord.”

    “That is always reassuring to hear. Do you have any reports from the session?”

    “No, Lord Ryoma, I do not. But if I may offer my opinion about training the recruits?”

    The High Prince nods. “Go ahead, Saizo. I am interested in what insight my retainers can give me.”

    “Thank you. As your retainer, it is my duty to keep a close watch on you. With growing military activity in Nohr and with more Faceless crossing into Hoshido, you are in a more vulnerable position. This is especially true when Kagero and I are both training the recruits. And I believe that I… cannot compromise my liege’s safety over anything else.”

    He crouches down to a kneel and bows his head, “Milord, I am requesting to be reassigned from instructing the recruits to guarding you at your side. If you wish for Kagero to stay on as an instructor, I am sure that my brother would be able to fill in my role.”

    Head still bowed, the ninja hears Lord Ryoma’s knees popping from their meditative position and muffled feet on the tatami. He grunts. “Come, stand with me.” It is not until Saizo gets up that he realizes how closely the prince stands next to him.

    “Saizo, did you notice the ninja stationed outside of my room when you came here?”

    “Yes… I had to reprimand them for nearly falling asleep on duty.”

    The prince chuckles. “Well, it was one of my longest meditation sessions this year. Now tell me, do you know who trained the two shinobi outside?”

    The ninja bows his head and says quietly, “It was Kagero and I, Milord. One year ago.”

    “Saizo… I admire your thoughtfulness and dedication as my retainer. But I assure you that the other ninja and soldiers of Shirasagi _will_ protect me when you or Kagero aren’t. After all, those two ninja were trained by some of the finest in the kingdom,” he adds with a slight smile.

    “If anything, I believe that it would help you to learn something from your partner.” (Saizo shifts at his lord’s word choice.) “I think that you could try to be more patient with the progress of your students. Most of them have the skills but haven’t gained the experience and knowledge that you and the other Master Ninja have,” his voice drops, “And with how things are looking at the border, they will soon enough.”

     “And besides, if you find the behavior of your former students to be lacking while they’re on the job, you have a group of recruits right now who can learn from you.” The samurai offers a small, encouraging smile.

    “I… understand your perspective, Lord Ryoma. Then I will continue to train the recruits. Thank you for your guidance.”

    “Is everything between you and Kagero going well?”

    “Yes, Milord.”

    Saizo isn’t sure if the knotting in his stomach is from his realization that he cannot avoid working so closely with his ex-lover or the awareness that Lord Ryoma is staring directly at him.

    He can swear there is a glint of curiosity in his grey eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a weird few weeks! My old laptop completely died because it was my own fault and I ended up having to replace it. I will get around soon to correcting the wonky formatting in Chapter 1. And I still cannot believe that Kagero out of all the characters was the one to receive a bonus unit in the new FEH banner! I am forever infatuated.
> 
> But I am so excited to finally introduce Orochi here! I think she's my favorite character to write for for this fic :). I also love the sibling dynamics between Kaze and Saizo, and while that isn't the focus of this story, it's something I'm always interested in exploring.


	3. It's Time To Leave And Turn To Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saizo and Kagero dwell on the past. Also, the recruits learn how to Naruto run.

     Running is a strange, paradoxical activity because it is so easy to forget oneself in the repetition of arms crawling over limbs and limbs under arms, while at the same time, one is also aware of how the exertion affects every part of the body. The constraining of muscles over the ribs. The vibrations channeling up the legs through every footfall. The gentle tug of stress on the lungs.

     In her training as a ninja, Kagero quickly learned that the awareness of how one’s body reacts to the environment can be a matter of life and death. Getting distracted or moving one inch too far can mean missing one’s target or risking an ambush. Today, she and her partner pass along that knowledge to their students.

     She and Saizo lead the pack of recruits running through the uneven thickets outside of Shirasagi Castle. They break the perfect synchronization of arms and limbs to monitor and lecture (or bark, in Saizo’s case) their students. _Swing your arms behind you. Point your hands upwards. Don’t look down, always look up._ The recruits, red-faced, wheeze and pant behind their nimble teachers. Those who are too slow get left behind and can only hope to catch up to the group again or else return to the castle. If they choose the latter option, they’ll have twenty laps around the grounds waiting for them.

     Kagero is aware of her own body and those of her students behind her as they push through branches and loam. She is also aware of the movement of her partner, and when he isn’t looking, she hesitantly but indulgently steals a glance. Despite the bulkiness of his frame, the kunoichi has always admired the agility of Saizo’s run. The hard muscles of his arms and chest contract and expand through his tunic, brow furrowed in concentration. Her arms and legs mimick his graceful, cycling run.

     Certainly, no matter how hard Kagero tries to ground herself in the present, it is easy for her mind to drift in the rhythm if she doesn’t concentrate.

     The kunoichi notices a clearing in the woods that reminds her of a time, months-and-months ago, when she and her former lover met up for a mid-mission rendezvous. Saizo and Kagero had told the groups of ninja they each led that they would meet to swap intelligence about the different areas each group surveyed.

     Instead, behind a thicket, he had pressed her back against a tree. His hands cupped Kagero’s face as he fervently kissed her. She hooked a leg around Saizo’s to press his torso against hers. It was only after they readjusted their tunics and scarves that they briefly discussed their teams’ findings. But regardless of whether their subordinates had suspected anything, they didn’t speak of it.

     While most couples working for the palace strive to keep their work and personal lives separated, such an ideal could not exist in either of the retainers’ lives. If anything, the missions and assignments they shared were some of the only opportunities they could spend together. In the palace, they had their lord. But in the quiet of the woods or in the privacy of strategy or sleeping tents, they had precious pockets of time.

     There was also the low-hanging fear that this would be the last time they met again.

     It is fortunate, in a bitter sense, that it never became realized.

     Kagero surveys the students behind her and observes that nearly all the students have caught up again. Her partner appears to notice this as well and increases the pace. Effortlessly, she catches up to Saizo. A few complaints echo behind them until she fully turns around. This is at half the pace they’ll be expected to run once they start doing missions, she tells them plainly. If they’re exhausted, they should practice running more, or they’re free to run laps around the castle once they return. No more complaints are heard afterwards.

     The forests grow denser and thicker, with more evergreens crowding out their leafier counterparts. Suddenly, the mountains rise from the earth itself and through a break in the trees, she sees the forest trailing to their peaks. Kagero knows that Igasato is somewhere up there, hidden in a swath of pine forest in a mountain valley, and thinks back on her first, and so far only, visit there.

    When they started dating, they rarely talked about their upbringings. Yet Kagero wondered what Saizo’s home village and clan were like. Few from the capital had seen the secluded Igasato, but it held as a place of legend, and occasionally, notoriety, among the Shirasagi ninja as the home to one of the oldest shinobi clans and one of the most recent to swear allegiance to the Hoshidan monarchs.

     Kagero remembers craning her neck to try and see the tops of the impossibly tall evergreens as she and her partner trekked towards his home village. Lord Ryoma assigned them to visit the different mountain villages to assess their ability to defend against, and, if possible, send soldiers to the border in the case of a Nohrian invasion. Igasato was one of the stops, and a longer one for her partner to fully check on the clan he only led for a couple of years.

     She remembers the strain of the altitude on her lungs, trained for years to never expect a rest, the thin, hazy air so difficult to breathe. The quiet sense of reverence that came over her once they came to a valley’s edge. Spartan houses neatly organized between rows of squash, radishes, and potatoes up its staggering slope, so wildly different than the cacophonous streets on the outskirts of Shirasagi, home to Kagero’s clan. Children and adults resolutely tended the crops or trained at target practice and close combat. She could see the origin of Saizo and Kaze’s no-nonsense, serious work ethic.

     “It’s so… charming,” she whispered. She sensed her partner bristle at her side.

     “Hopefully it’s not too rustic for your taste.”

     “I’m sorry… that was more condescending than what I intended… it’s beautiful, Saizo.” His body eased, and he thanked her.

     Overhearing their conversation, some of the villagers glanced up and a few happy shouts echoed. Everyone else looked up and put down their hoes, rakes, and kunai to welcome their young leader and meet his partner. The suddenness of the crowd upon them and the shift on their faces from stern to warm expressions nearly startled Kagero. What was even more shocking was the receptiveness of Saizo, who normally stared daggers (and resisted the temptation to throw them) at anyone who looked at him for too long in the capital. His speech was relaxed and content as he asked them about the affairs of the village. She dared admit that he was charismatic, even _charming_.

     Eventually, the two retainers broke away from the rest of the group and hiked up the valley to a modest house. The sage-haired woman who slid open the door let out a joyful cry and embraced Saizo, who returned the hug.

     “Kagero, this is my mother, Tomoe. Mom, this is my partnering retainer, Kagero.”

     The kunoichi instantly recognized her resemblance to Kaze, both in her attractive appearance and unassuming, kind demeanor. She tried to politely bow towards Tomoe and thank her for letting her stay in the family home, but she took one of her hands into her own.

     “Kagero… my sons and late husband have mentioned you. It is so nice to finally meet you. You are such a beautiful young woman.”

     But the tenderness of her eyes, the corners crinkling up to match her smile are distinctly those of Saizo’s when they spent their brief moments alone.

     Tomoe grins widely at her eldest son, “Saizo, you have found quite the catch.”

     The ninja’s ears instantly grew bright red, blending with his hair, and tried to deny it, stammering the whole way through. His mother grew equally as flustered and stammered why her son didn’t write her about his girlfriend before, she can already see that they’re smitten with each other, which only worsened her son’s embarrassment. Another familial resemblance, Kagero observed, trying her hardest not to burst out laughing or break out in a flush herself.

     In the present, she thinks nostalgically about the rest of their days in Igasato together. Meeting with the villagers and discussing strategies for protecting the village. Sparring with some of the ninja. Despite Saizo’s insistence that she did not need to do so, helping with the farming. Pulling up weeds and root vegetables, hands damp and fingernails caked with loam so different than arranging clipped and cleaned flowers in the capital.

     They visited the grave where the ashes of Saizo the Fourth and the previous three generations were interred. They silently stood apart from one another at first. Kagero extended her hand out towards her lover. He didn’t respond at first, but the fifth Saizo eventually reached out and curled his fingers around hers. She wondered later if he did that more for herself than for his own sake.

     They spent evenings sharing light meals with the rest of the village. The food had a milder taste than the food of the capital, but Kagero thought the heartiness of the fish and vegetables alone, impregnated with the nutrients of the earth, didn’t require much spices in the first place. Following supper, they usually shared light conversation and tea with Tomoe in the Saizo family home, or the three of them simply enjoyed each other’s company in quiet.

     Late one night, Kagero snuck out from the guest room into the one Saizo and his brother shared in their youth. She quietly rode him in the dark, his hands supporting and lifting her hips and ass. She planted her hands on his chest and abdomen for leverage and smelled the lingering sweat and heat of their bodies. He helped her finish after his own release, deftly burying his face in between her thighs while she was still on top of him. Kagero asked over the chirping cicadas if they could share the futon until morning. Saizo thought it would be better for his mother not to witness them like this, just in case. He kissed her on the cheek. She reciprocated and took her leave.

     Now, Kagero glances over at her partner, his pace identical to her own but separated by several feet’s worth of distance. She wonders if she will be able to revisit Igasato again. Although she knows they will never recreate those memories, when she sees the mountains, there is a force and a drive inside of her to clench her fingers around those thoughts. Maybe this way, she will keep them from slipping through her fingers like dust.

 

* * *

 

     In the weeks following the break-up, Saizo devotes his time and energy to better serving the royal family and prevent the rising threat of a Nohrian invasion. He guards Lord Ryoma, he trains by himself and with Kaze, he runs small missions to gather intelligence, he attends war councils and strategy meetings. He trains the group of ninja recruits, the sole time in his weekly routine when he cannot stay away from Kagero.  
For the sake of their students and the reputation of the High Prince, the two retainers wordlessly agree to keep a distance between them to uphold the peace. Bickering too much in front of the recruits would set a poor example for those who will often do missions with partners or teams in the future. It would also reflect poorly on Lord Ryoma, who appointed them as instructors in the first place.

     Saizo worries too that if he were to breach that distance with Kagero, that it would stir whatever lingers in his heart. When he stands at her side, there is still the hanging temptation to gaze at her longer than he should, both as a coworker and (especially) as her ex-lover. The ninja turns forward instead, to focus on the future of their students, and through them, the safety of their homeland and the royal family.

     But the past, like a shadow, always manages to trail behind him.

     On this morning, Saizo wakes up to find himself clutching and nuzzling a pillow to his chest. Disappointed in himself, he chucks it to the side. He lies back on the futon with his arms and palms pressed flat.

     He used to hold Kagero against his chest that way after they made love. She would press her lips against and rub the skin there, occasionally kissing her way down and enjoying Saizo’s reactions. Stroking her hair, he breathed in the clinging, musky scent of the incense she always burned in her room in her time off. The scent has all but faded from his futon by now.

     He also used to hold her when night terrors jolted her awake. The first few times, she laid next to him shaking and he didn’t know how to react but lie there with her. Eventually, they both discovered that Saizo stroking Kagero’s back and talking to her quietly until she fell back asleep worked. He did not have as many nightmares as his former lover, but Saizo knew how in their line of work, their past deeds lingered for years in the shadows of memory. It was the best-known secret among shinobi.

     They never discussed or asked the other what had happened. When dreams of the night he lost his eye left him sweating feverishly and nearly on the brink of tears, he had turned away Kagero at first. But eventually, she reciprocated the same love he showed her after he let her. She would hold Saizo against her own chest and softly kiss and stroke his face. (Her lips and hands considerately missed his scar after he winced the first time.)

     The two ninja indulged in moments of vulnerability and affection in their private world of bedrooms and hidden passageways. It was as if all the emotion they were taught to repress for years surged up instantaneously. Saizo still carried on for nearly three years, knowing the whole time it was selfish, unbecoming to grant their hearts to each other and a mere sliver to Lord Ryoma. The guilt from the relationship and deceiving their liege balled up in his chest. After the breakup, the shame he carried slaked away when he knew they had made the right decision.

     Even after he has renewed his loyalty to the High Prince, Kagero’s absence is at times, nearly overwhelming.

     But the ninja decides that his doubts and memories are miserable bedfellows and that he has no interest to sit with them any longer. He swiftly throws on his uniform and jumps out to start the new day.

 

* * *

 

     Later that afternoon, Saizo and Kaze walk through the veranda on the ground floor after returning from their weekly training session. The elder of the brothers managed to land a cut that drew blood on the other’s cheek, and he continued to boast about it.

     “At least that will keep you from getting swarmed by admirers for a week,” the redhead smirks.

     Kaze rolls his eyes. “I don’t think that will stop them. If anything, it’ll give them the motivation to bring me tinctures or offer to ‘nurse’ me back to health.”

     Surely enough, Saizo looks across to the other side of the courtyard to see two washing ladies staring at his twin. Their attempts to cover up their mouths do little to disguise their excited conversation.

     “Good luck with that.”

     Kaze crosses his arms and frowns.

     Suddenly, the ninja hear a sharp clicking noise behind them and instinctively spin around. _What kind of bizarre way has one of Kaze’s admirers tried to get his attention this time?_ Saizo wonders. But he notices a coiffure of purple hair sticking up from the veranda wall. Orochi squats in the grass, waving a paper talisman laced with a pungent smell and clicking her tongue at a palace cat sunning itself on a stone in the courtyard grounds. It yawns, and indulging her, runs over to sniff the piece of paper.

     “Well, look at what the cat dragged in.”

     The diviner spins around to glare at Saizo and his remark.

     “Oh, it’s you. Don’t you have anything better to do?” Her expression immediately shifts and she flashes his brother a warm smile, “Hello, Kaze! We are having such lovely weather today, aren’t we? I can sense that summer will be upon us soon!”

     Saizo mumbles, “Oh, so you’ll give my brother a proper greeting and not-“

     His twin cuts him off. “Greetings, Orochi. If I may ask, what are you doing down there?”

     Her eyes brighten. “Lady Mikoto has asked me to create a salve for her, and I thought that I would test the efficacy of this type of catnip before I include it. And what better test subject is there than a feline friend?”

     Staring down at the gray and white cat on its back, rolling wildly on top of the talisman, Saizo remarks, “Do you intend to intoxicate your liege? Maybe you should spend more time applying yourself as a retainer instead of lazing around.”

     “With a barbed tongue like that you won’t attract anyone else again,” Orochi snaps.

     “You shouldn’t be one to talk.”

     “Are you always this callous to everyone with whom you speak? Why don’t you get that stick lodged out of your ass-”

     Saizo cuts her off sharply. “How immature yet befitting of what you’re known as around the castle. The viper only knows to strike when it’s backed into a corner.”

     “Well, Saizo the _Fifth_ , this viper has venom!”

     Kaze’s eyes nervously flit between the two assailants. Trying to diffuse the situation, he steps in front his brother, whose face increasingly reddens, and calmly asks: “So Orochi, do you think this type of catnip is effective? I’m interested learning what kinds of herbs and plants I can use on missions in the wildnerness.”

     Orochi breathes out of her nose loudly and thanks her old friend for his interest. “At least _someone_ is nice enough to care.”

     She prattles on about the benefits of the different types of catnip and where you can find them, and the green-haired ninja nods and listens diligently. Saizo rolls his eye and crosses his arms, attempting to drone out their conversation. The cat trills when Orochi bends over to scoop it up and the talisman. But before she excuses herself, she faces the twins.

     “Saizo.”

     His ears perk up and he returns her stern expression.

     “Listen. I know what happened between you and Kagero. I know that it’s an unavoidable and an uncomfortable situation, even for you.” She steps forward and directly engages his glare. Her voice slightly wavers, “But I swear that if you do anything to hurt my best friend, I will _personally_ ensure that you won’t come out of this unharmed either. You can be a real jerk to your allies and your old friends sometimes, and please don’t decide that Kagero’s going to be among them now.

     “It’d be _hext_ you to watch your own back, but you’re a ninja. You _already_ know that.”

     The diviner gracefully turns away, cat in tow. “Well then, good afternoon to you both.”  
Saizo shoots a steely glare at her back, but he shivers, remembering Orochi’s threats to curse him across the years. It was always Kagero who told her to step back and always Kagero who she’d listen to. But this time, he knew he couldn’t depend on her."

     He makes a mental note to stop by the shrine to pick up some warding charms, just in case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't notice, the rating for this work went up! For now it's because of that scene in this chapter, but there will be more later ;). I also reformatted Chapter 1 so that the paragraph indents line up now. Hopefully.
> 
> This chapter's title is after a lyric in one of my favorite and hauntingly beautiful songs: ["To Build A Home"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkP6Tf79UrM) by The Cinematic Orchestra.
> 
> Also: kudos and thank you to Blossoms (OrangeBlossoms) for beta reading the chapter!


	4. In the Darkest Night, Your Face is All That I See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our ninja find that when you start to engage with long-lost memories and feelings, you might be able to recover them. Saizo demonstrates proper hand techniques. Kagero enjoys the company of some old friends. Ryoma reveals an unexpected secret.

     “…So tell me what happened.” Lord Ryoma crosses his arms in the large sleeves of his haori and knits his brows. His retainers stand before him, the spikes of their Master Ninja armor carving up the large space between them.

     Kagero speaks first, turning towards the two men. “My Liege, my partner and I were leading the young ninja in a sneaking exercise through the forest, when in the middle of it, Saizo announced that their performance was satisfactory and that we would immediately start combat practice.”

     Saizo doesn’t return her gaze. “Lord Ryoma, we had spent the last week training the recruits only in stealth. Since none of the animals we passed by in the forest detected our movements, the students were ready to move on.”

     The High Prince’s eyes flit back and forth between the ninja.

     “We were only 20 minutes into the exercise at that point. I do not think we should expect a trainee to have the endurance of their more experienced counterparts.” The kunoichi’s voice is cool, steely.

     “Stealth alone will not save a ninja’s life. They must be able to defend themselves and their partners.”

     “They are not ready for combat if they have not mastered the movements.”

     With a slight note of irritation in his otherwise controlled voice, “They can learn the basic techniques of combat at _any_ time.  My father had my brother and I training in close combat when we were only half their age.”

     “Do you think that they will be able to fend for themselves or kill a target when they can’t even hit a target with a kunai, let alone possess the strength to throw one?”

     The High Prince massages his brow and mutters something under his breath.

     “Maybe if you _let_ them handle the real thing instead of coddling them with the wooden ones they would be used to it-”

     “ _Saizo. Kagero. Stop this_ _right_ _now_ ,” Lord Ryoma barks at them in a low, impatient tone. The two retainers immediately straighten their posture and bow their heads.

     The samurai rubs the space between his eyes again and his voice eases. “My apologies for being so brusque with you, but you both have to stop arguing like this when you should be working together to find a solution.”

     In synchronicity, the two ninja bow and apologize. Their liege sighs.

     “Now. I think that you are both right, in a sense. Since the ninja will have to use _both_ stealth,” he turns to Kagero, “and force,” he turns to Saizo, “in their future work, I recommend alternating between spying exercises and assassination and combat techniques. When you have the recruits study both at the same time, they can use the skills they have gained in one form of ninjutsu to further develop another area, and as a result, they will be dynamic ninja on the field.”

     They listen in silence.

     “But Saizo, you need to better communicate with Kagero when you think that the students’ lessons should be going in a different direction. And Kagero, you shouldn’t be afraid to push the trainees either. Some of them might thrive under a good challenge.”

     He glances between the two with a weary, encouraging smile. “Does this sound like a good direction moving forward?”

     “I understand, Milord.” “Yes, Milord. Thank you.”

     “Good.” The prince sighs and crosses his arms. “Since that’s taken care of for the time being… Saizo. I’d be interested in reading through your latest intelligence mission report if you have it.”

     The ninja unhooks a small scroll tucked into one of his gauntlets. “Yes, Lord Ryoma.”

     “Pardon me, My Liege. Is there anything more you need of me?” Kagero looks up.

     “There’s nothing else, Kagero. You are free to go. Thank you for reporting on how the recruits are doing.” The brunette thanks him and excuses herself.

     Saizo turns towards his liege and methodically presents the scroll. “Milord, here are my notes of what I observed at the Nohrian border. Overall, there were more foot soldiers and cavalry there than in the past. But all they did was practice marching. However, I did not observe any Faceless among them, which was unexpected.”

     Lord Ryoma accepts the scroll. “Hmph. That is strange. I hate to speculate, but maybe Nohr is refining or training their Faceless prototype.” He nods, “Anyways, thank you for your hard work. I will ensure that the next war council will read through your notes.”

     He sets the scroll on his writing desk. Before Saizo can ask if he can take his leave, the prince turns around and says, “Saizo. How have you been doing lately?”

     “Uh-I,” he hesitates, slightly surprised, “Everything is fine, My Liege… if I may ask, is there something about my work that concerns you?”

     The other man frowns slightly. “I’m afraid I have to be honest with you. You look absolutely exhausted.”

     Saizo’s stomach drops knowing that he could not conceal the fatigue from his lord. “I appreciate your concern, Lord Ryoma, but there is no need for you to worry about me.”

     “Well, you and Kagero were both on edge today. I know that I’ve asked you this several times in the last month or so, but _is_ everything alright between you?”

     “I apologize that you had to see our argument today, but we haven’t had any other disagreements recently.”

     With a slight note of concern in his voice, Lord Ryoma says, “If anything, you seemed to be holding back more than usual.” (Saizo tries his hardest not to flush) “With training the recruits and running the extra missions on my behalf, it’s no surprise that you look exhausted. Kagero is working very hard as well, and I can see that your fatigue is wearing on one another. And for that, I apologize for giving you both a larger workload.”

     “N-no, Milord. Serving you and our kingdom in any way is an honor. Kagero and I do not always see eye-to-eye on everything regardless.”

     “That must make your relationship difficult.”

     “We have disagreed with one another, but it is never to the point when it compromises our capabilities as your retainers. My partner and I always find a solution or accept the other person’s approach.”

     The High Prince smiles. “I’m sorry, I should have been clearer…I meant your _other_ relationship.”

     Saizo’s brow creases, “Lord Ryoma, I am not sure if I understand.”

     “…I hope I am not overstepping here. But some time ago, whenever I was in the room with you or Kagero and the other partner had just returned home from a mission, I swore that I could sense a change in the atmosphere. The moment that you looked at each other, I could see you both relaxing. It felt as if all the air came rushing back into the room at once.”

     Saizo blanches at the revelation. They were so foolish to think they were invincible, that it would never catch up with them. Their lord knew the entire time. He suddenly realizes that Lord Ryoma’s decision to assign both Kagero and him to teaching instead of guarding was the first step towards terminating their roles as his retainers.

     Even though it is difficult in the locking leather plates of his Master Ninja armor, the ninja immediately prostrates himself and the apologizes spill onto the floor with him.

     “Milord, I regret my actions. I will _never_ forgive myself for deceiving you. Kagero and I agreed at the time to keep our relationship a secret to protect everyone, all three of us. Were a spy to learn about it, one of our enemies could have used it to manipulate us, or what is even worse, to harm your own life.

     “But our relationship was foolish because it endangered you. It was why we had to end it a while ago.” Saizo bows his head deeper, “Milord, after hearing this news, if you pardon myself and Kagero from your service, then I will respect your decision.”

     The prince solemnly gazes at his retainer, still prostrated on the tatami mats. “Saizo… you don’t need to kneel like that. Please, sit with me.”

     The ninja unfolds himself from his position, resigned to and awaiting his fate.

     “Truthfully, I would never be mad at my retainers for pursuing a romantic relationship with one another if it brought you both joy. After all, you have your own lives outside of guarding me. I forgive you both for not sharing this news with me, but I also understand why you didn’t. I have come to see over the years that shinobi must be careful to conceal their personal matters.

     “Anyways, it is not as if any of us have discussed much about our lives outside of our duties or positions,” he adds with a sad smile. “I hope that all of this is not breeching our lord-retainer relationship, but I am concerned about my retainers’ well-being because of the difficult things the court asks of you to do.”

     In this moment, Saizo is grateful that the cowl he wears is covering his slackened jaw.

     Yet somehow, the ninja manages to stutter, “M-my Lord, I am honored by your kindness. I regret that my fellow retainer and I have caused you such distress.” He places his gloved hands on the writing table. “We… ended the relationship so we could both serve you better. Our feelings were a distraction, and you needed and still need our full selves.”

     Lord Ryoma frowns and nods. “I… can understand your point, but I am sorry that was the reason behind the end of your relationship. Can I ask something else of you, Saizo?”

     “Y-yes, Lord Ryoma.”

     “Ever since you became my retainer, you have stood guard during many of my meditation sessions. While on the surface I look as if I am sitting completely still, my mind and my thoughts are anything but idle when I meditate,” he chuckles, “Though I hope my face doesn’t betray anything while I do it. The monk who taught me would be very disappointed in his pupil.”

     Sitting so close to his liege, Saizo notices that there are slight creases at the corners of his mouth when he grins.

     “When I meditate, I do not try to fight any emotion or thought that rises up. Instead, I let it sit with me and watch it fade away on its own. I learned quickly from my teacher that to suppress my thoughts would be to miss the point of meditation entirely because I concentrated more on getting rid of them instead of just sitting.”

     The samurai places his bare hands on the table, across from his retainer’s gloved ones. “This may be counterintuitive to your training and practice as a ninja, but you must not always feel as if you should repress your emotions or thoughts, especially when it affects your well-being. I… know this isn’t proper, but I cannot help but feel guilty to watch you go through this while I remain secure in the castle.”

     Saizo’s stomach churns again.

     “And I know that you would not be satisfied if I excused you of some of your duties, which is why instead, I ask of you to be less harsh on yourself and more attentive to your needs.

     I don’t think that you should have to gain my approval in the matters of your heart. I want you to know that whomever will make you a happier man, whether it is Kagero or someone else, then I will also be content with whom you choose.” The corners of his eyes wrinkle to match the dimples in his slight grin.

     In one of the few times in his life, Saizo finds himself disarmed, unable to fire a quick reply or even react in the moment. He merely sits there. A lightness tentatively rises in his chest, unsure how to carry himself after one of the greatest sources of his guilt has suddenly been unyoked. His heart turns first to Kagero, but the tension of their current situation weighs down any initial joy he feels.

     Sobered, he speaks, “Lord Ryoma, thank you for your blessing. I… did not ever expect to hear such words from a lord I served, but it is why I am honored to be your retainer. And I will take your advice… to heart.”

     “I am glad to hear that, Saizo, and thank you. And to help ease the burden of your extra assignments, I will try to give you both more time between them as well. I recommend relaxing more during those breaks too. Maybe doing things like spending time with your brother and other people you care about, reading, or… even meditating.”

     Saizo thanks his liege again and excuses himself. Conflicting emotions and thoughts flood into the shinobi’s head, but when he remembers the prince’s reassuring words and kind smile, he feels strangely hopeful for the first time in weeks.    

 

* * *

 

     It is not long before they finish the freshly-opened bottle of sake. It sits in the middle of Kagero’s futon in her room, carefully capped. The two women slump drunkenly on the mattresses’s edge and laugh at each other’s stories. It is almost like old times.

     “So, so, so you know Lord Takumi’s new retainer, what’s-his-face…” Orochi drawls, “He thinks he’s the big man around the Hoshido court because he’s guarding a prince now!”

     Kagero, red-faced, says with a thick tongue. “So _what_? We all are!”

     The diviner cackles, slaps her knee and then her best friend’s back. “Kagero! You kill me every time! _So anyways,_ back to my story _-_ this guy, _Hinata! That’s it!_ So this little shrimp is just _barely_ taller than me and he’s like this overexcited puppy, trying to flirt with some of the young court ladies. And he’s _laying_ the moves on them, telling them that he was chosen to be Lord Takumi’s retainer because he’s _so strong_.” She snorts.

      “So I’m in the room while he’s hitting on this meek, little thing who’s scared shitless. He tells her that he’s _really_ good with a sword,” she takes another drink from her cup and starts to fan herself with her diviner’s cards, “But you know what happens next? He keeps going on and on about all the other soldiers in the guard he’s sparred with, and then- this tiny girl just snaps! She says: ‘If you’re so talented with your sword, then why are you involving me with it? Won’t you be satisfied with just polishing it by yourself?’” The women throw their heads back laughing.

     “Hinata’s just left there with the _stupidest_ look on his face and I’m trying so damn hard not to laugh because Lady Mikoto with me. So I have to hold my cards to my mouth like this!” The diviner demonstrates by fanning her cards up to her face, but the gesture accidentally discharges the rabbit spirit inside of them. Frantic, it scuttles through the paintbrushes, scarves, and kunai strewn around Kagero’s floor until it dives into a pile of crumpled drawings.

     The kunoichi snorts. “ _I’m in high form today!_ ” she imitates Orochi’s higher voice.

     Orochi frowns sourly, which only causes Kagero to burst into a peel of laughter, clutching her stomach. Soon enough, her friend’s expression melts and she joins in as well.

     “Kagerooo~” she slurs, “You’re pretty drunk already…” she uncaps the sake and pours it into Kagero’s cup, dribbling a little splash into her own. “Here you go, buddy.” Their elbows brush against one another as Orochi passes Kagero’s cup. Giggling, again, the former apologizes for being such a klutz.

     Gulping back the sake, the brunette remarks, “Maybe you should watch what you’re drinking too.”

     Orochi tucks a loose strand of hair from her coiffure behind her ear and winks, “That means I just have to catch up!” Kagero pours the remainder of sake in her best friend’s cup, who cups her hands around it and smiles back at her.

     “It’s gotten _so_ dull at the castle lately, don’t you think? I’m glad to have my old drinking buddy back with me again!”

     “Here’s to that.” the kunoichi unceremoniously lifts her cup in the air and tips it back before Orochi can clink hers against it. “Saizo _never_ liked drinking off duty. Even when I brought over a bottle of plum wine to share he’d always reject it, saying something like,” she tries to imitate his raspy growl, “ _I don’t want to be caught off guard when I’m drunk. We have to think about our duty_.” Orochi laughs into her glass.

     Her face reddens, “And it just wasn’t that either- he _always_ turned down _most_ of my ideas,” she counts on her fingers,” Saizo never wanted to go on secret outings, eat at restaurants downtown, visit shops, go to festivals, or look at public art exhibitions. You know what he always told me? That they were a _distraction_ , as if something would happen to our liege when we were gone.” Kagero hiccups.

     “And you know what drives me crazy about Saizo? He always builds himself up as a martyr! As if _I_ was the one imposing on him and his duty by ‘dragging him’ into a relationship. He started the whole thing! And why does he always think that _he_ is more dedicated to our liege than me? Why was wanting to do things that traditional couples do so repulsive to him? What is so wrong with wanting to spend time with the people who are very dear to you?”

     Orochi, taking a sip, mumbles, “This sounds _awfully_ familiar.”

     “…I’m sorry?” The ninja blinks.

     “I think you’d benefit from asking yourself the same question, my friend,” the diviner playfully cocks her eyebrow.

     Kagero blushes bashfully. “I see what you mean now… I’m sorry about that. I should have spent more time with my best friend when I was seeing him.”

     “Well, there’s always time that we can make up! I was just teasing you- don’t worry about it too much!” Orochi chuckles.

     “I-I promise to improve! I won’t leave you behind again!” Yet the embarrassment, tempered by the alcohol, churns her stomach.

     The two women continue to chat idly, finishing off their drinks. The kunoichi offers to get them some water from a pitcher on her table. Unable to shake off the guilt of their previous exchange, she thinks back to how two formerly inseparable friends came to this point.

     It probably began when shortly after she turned sixteen years old, Lady Mikoto arranged for Kagero to become her stepson’s second retainer. Orochi wept against her childhood friend’s shoulder the last day she served in the Queen’s quarters. Even though she would be just moving several flights down in the castle, the kunoichi suspected her clairvoyant friend anticipated a larger divide between them. She steeled her quavering voice as she gave her formal goodbyes to Orochi and Reina. (The latter promised to take her out on kinishi rides or to practice sparring whenever she liked, both of which Kagero had yet to take her up on.)

     She expressed her gratitude to her liege, who almost acted as a second mother during her early teenage years. To her surprise, Lady Mikoto hugged her and thanked her for the years of protection. She whispered in Kagero’s ear to thank her for watching over Orochi as well and express her hope that she would continue doing so.

     It was the only request of her former liege that Kagero never fulfilled.

     Nevertheless, after the kunoichi entered Ryoma’s service, she and her friend tried their best to spend their free time together. Kagero remembers wincing on the sips of plum wine that Orochi snuck out of the kitchens into the darkness of the castle courtyards. Over time, their tastes adjusted to the pungency of the alcohol. Kaze and Saizo were not invited to these outings. The younger of the twins (and the most morally-upstanding of the group) would have probably refused, and the elder would have reported them to a higher authority.

     Emboldened by the alcohol, Kagero agreed one night to follow her best friend to a field outside of the castle where a group of teenage soldiers gathered. She, now at the age of seventeen, was either the same age or barely older than the sky knights and ninja whom she led in combat drills in the daytime. But in the safety of the night, she could take off her stoic mask and fraternize with her peers. Being with Orochi too, all boisterous laughter and charismatic presence, encouraged a more social side of the ninja to come forth.

     After watching and laughing at the drunk teenagers dare one another to attempt various physical feats, one particularly-drunk sky knight sauntered over to the two best friends. With a sly grin, he dared them to kiss one another, earning whoops from the other boys in the group. The two girls blushed and laughed, but it was Kagero, drunkenly courageous, who stepped over and kissed Orochi on the mouth. It was her very first one.

     They were met with the hollers of the boys cheering them on and the hostile silence of the girls who stepped back. But the girls paid them no mind, the darkness of the forest sheltering them in an ephemeral private world. Orochi’s lips were soft and she moved her tongue with a poise remarkable of someone that intoxicated. Her fluttering lavender eyelashes tickled against Kagero’s own as they continued to kiss and laugh in between them.

     In the present, Kagero notices her companion’s eyelids flutter to stay open. Orochi groans. The kunoichi swiftly grabs a comforter off her futon and clumsily wraps it around the diviner, who mutters something and curls into the blanket. Without thinking about it, Kagero protectively places her arm around Orochi’s shoulders, bringing her in closer. She notices how long her eyelashes still are and feels the strands of long, purple hair unraveled from her coiffure tickle her bare arm.

     Following that night years ago, they never spoke of the kiss. Kagero wondered at first if it had even happened. Her memory was clouded by the alcohol, after all. It wouldn’t have been _so_ inconceivable to have invented it, right? But even that question failed to comfort the young woman. Wouldn’t _imagining_ such a thing, to kiss another girl, let alone her best friend, mean that it originated from some deep-set desire? And how would Orochi react if she found out what Kagero was thinking?

     Confused by her enjoyment of the kiss and too embarrassed to think about its implications, she focused instead on training and missions. The kunoichi found excuses to avoid drinking with, and more and more, socializing with Orochi again. She often cited her duty to the High Prince as precedence. The diviner would smile widely and say that she shouldn’t worry about it, but the ninja, ever observant of the shifts in others’ expressions, always noticed her brow crumpling. Eventually, the two nearly stopped hanging out altogether.

     Kagero’s relationship with Saizo had only accelerated this process of growing apart. But when she confided in her best friend about it, she knew she could trust Orochi’s word to retain her secret.

     Now, the Orochi of the present rests her head in the nook of Kagero’s shoulder. The latter cannot remember the last time she has been so physically close to her best friend. The diviner slowly cranes her head towards Kagero’s jaw and pauses, breathing in deeply. She moves her lips towards her left ear, nearly brushing against it.

     “Thank you, Kagero,” she whispers in an unusually quiet tone before her body slumps against the ninja. Suddenly aware of how close the woman is to her, the ninja nearly recoils. After hearing the small, spurting snores come out of her parted lips, Kagero sighs and decides that her best friend is in no state to go back to her own room. 

     She clumsily and tenderly removes the combs and pins holding the remainder of Orochi’s coiffure in place. Violet locks spill through the kunoichi’s fingers, and she gently lowers her body down to the futon. She puts the comforter back after smoothing the other sheets on top of the diviner. Kagero comes to rest on the other side of the futon, choosing to lie on top of the comforter instead of joining her underneath.

     The two women share the futon as they had as children and young teenagers, locking fingers, laughing, and whispering through the night. But this time, they only sleep.

     Still, after getting used to sleeping alone for the past month, Kagero admitted upon waking with a raging hangover that it was nice to find someone she held very dearly right next to her. 

 

* * *

 

     A dagger shoots in the air, making a promising arc towards the head of the target. But the force used to throw it was not enough. It thuds into the soft grass. The young, once hopeful ninja frowns and trudges over to retrieve it.

     Saizo observes Kagero and her group of recruits in their target practice across the field. One recruit lines up in perfect formation and hits the practice dummy square in the chest. He turns back to his own group and glares at the boy who just missed his target.

     “Get back in line, Haru. Do _not_ mess this up the third time in a row,” he growls at the teenager. Humiliated, the recruit quickly runs behind his peers. Saizo grimly thinks that the ninja scouters must have really scrapped the bottom of the barrel for this batch of students. He faces his hopeless group.

     “Every single one of you has performed terribly today. I can tell that you have not been practicing outside of your lessons. None of you have managed to hit the target beyond the legs, which a child smaller than all of you can do. Do _not_ disappoint me or your kingdom again, or I will make it my mission for you to never walk in these castle grounds ever again!”

     The students shrink at their teacher’s outburst. Saizo nearly barks at them to stop staring at him and keep practicing until he notices a figure at the edge of the courtyard. Standing in his full armor, Lord Ryoma’s presence commands the attention of his retainer, whose face grows ashen. Saizo’s recruits notice the High Prince as well and gasp. Soon enough, Kagero and her group also see him, effectively ending their practice. The two retainers bow towards him and the younger ninja follow their teachers in suit.

     Lord Ryoma, now fully aware that his appearance has disbanded the training, bashfully waves his arms, a stark change from his previously imposing aura. “Oh no, I only wanted to observe your training! Please, continue!”

     Bowing again towards his lord, Saizo can’t help but be reminded of the High Prince sneaking in on his practice when they were much younger. Before he and his brother formally made Shirasagi their residence, they spent the winters and springs doing training camps at the castle. Lord Ryoma would occasionally sneak away from his private writing and swordsmanship lessons to watch the ninja, who were closer to his age than his teachers, practice.  

     In one instance, Saizo noticed the young prince hiding in the branches of a tree, waving excitedly at him and mouthing the words “Hi Saizo the Fifth!” He had to stop himself from reflexively bowing at him so as not to give his position away. Behind him, he heard Lord Ryoma whisper exclamations of “Wow!” and “That’s so cool!” whenever he hit the practice dummy perfectly in the heart.

     High on the praise, which he and Kaze seldom heard from Saizo the Fourth, he kept hurling practice kunai after practice kunai into the target until the stuffing came spilling out, occasionally glancing back with a cool smirk and raised eyebrow towards the boy in the tree. His instructor ordered him to stop hogging the practice dummy, but he paid him no mind.

     Lord Ryoma, ecstatic from the ninja’s demonstration, let go of the tree branch and let out a large whoop. Losing his balance, he crashed out of the tree and sprained his arm. Saizo’s face paled as he heard the cry of pain and his instructor scolding him for acting too hot to trot and causing the High Prince to get hurt. He meekly watched the healers attending to the boy who would become his future liege. Lord Ryoma turned his face towards him, and smiling in between the wincing, mouthed the words “worth it.”

     Thinking about the event, Saizo swears that he will not make a fool of himself this time around. “The High Prince is watching you. Try harder and don’t embarrass me _or_ yourselves,” he whispers. The recruits nod and march pridefully towards the practice dummy.

     Even with a newfound sense of determination, the recruits still fail to hit or barely graze their target. Their instructor dismisses their attempts and orders each one of them to run a lap around the courtyard before they join the back of the line and try again. The recruits glare back at Saizo before stomping off or begin running with tears lining their eyes.

     Some of Kagero’s recruits across the field show promise already. Saizo can overhear her patiently but seriously encouraging the ones who are further behind to keep practicing every day. She has them individually line up next to her and copy the slow movements of her body gracefully throwing an imaginary kunai, occasionally stopping to correct their posture.

     In contrast, most of Saizo’s students have given up out of frustration and exhaustion, sulking or passed out in the grass. The ninja himself, bright red in the face, is nearly ready to storm away from the courtyard and leave the rest of the day’s training to Kagero until he notices his liege’s encouraging smile. Lord Ryoma nods towards Saizo and then back to a young student behind him. Ignoring her instructor’s orders to run laps after missing the target, the kunoichi continues to pick up and throw her practice kunai at the dummy, which barely comes in range of it each time.

     The playful, youthful glint in Lord Ryoma’s eye reignites Saizo’s own motivation. He remembers his earlier advice to be more patient with the recruits, and the ninja decides to try coaching the girl.

     “Chiyo. Put that down and listen to me.” The recruit, among the youngest of the whole group, stiffens but looks up curiously towards her teacher.

     “Uh, I can tell from the way you hold a practice kunai that you’ve never picked up a real one. You should hold a metal one with a dulled edge as much as you can, even when you eat or when you sleep. Your arm will get used to the weight and how it feels to hold and release it. That’s how I was able to improve my accuracy when I started my own training.”

     Chiyo nods seriously, “Thank you, Master Saizo! I’ll do my best!”

     The ninja glances back at the prince, who still watches him intently. He continues, “G-good. Now. I want you to try something else. Line up in front of the dummy.” She steps over in front of it, and Saizo gently readjusts her shoulders, telling her to not be so stiff in the upper body and coaching her in how to position her legs and torso. Crouching down on one knee, he lines his hand level to her own and asks her to mimic it as he pretends throwing a projectile.

     “Now if you do all these things together, you should be able to at least hit the target.”

     Chiyo nods and closes her eyes, breathing out. Shooting the kunai out of her steadied hand, it manages to ding the stomach of the practice dummy. Jumping, the girl laughs gleefully and the other students in her group watch her in awe.

     Saizo, smirking underneath his mask, drily says, “Ninja should control their emotions lest they give away their position to their enemies. You can’t jump up and down every time you hit someone on the field.” Even though she stops jumping, the kunoichi continues to grin widely at him and her peers.

     Suddenly, he is aware of the other two adults gazing at him. Saizo finds his own gaze not gravitating towards Kagero, who nods at him approvingly. Instead, Lord Ryoma’s brilliant, radiant smile, which mirrors that of his joyful recruit, is the only thing he notices. The fatigue in his eyes, worn from long meetings and reading countless reports, has nearly melted away in this moment. The prince’s handsome face is that of a man in the prime of his youth. Saizo’s ears redden at the tips but the sensation washing over him is like the pride he felt as Lord Ryoma cheered him on years ago. He allows himself to linger in it for a moment.

     But ever self-disciplined, Saizo snaps himself out of his reverie and orders the recruits to stop running around and try hitting the target again. This time, he aids them with more guidance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title comes from two lines in ["XO" by Beyonce](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xUfCUFPL-8). This song reminds me so much of the relationship between Kagero and Orochi and I knew I'd have to name one of my chapters after it somehow! It seemed especially appropriate here. 
> 
> I loved writing this chapter because the last two scenes are some of my favorites in this fic. I like things that are bittersweet, with a little hope and humor in there. Even though we don't get much character development in Fates, I've always imagined that Saizo and Ryoma were more like Asugi and Shiro, respectively, when they were younger.


	5. Ritual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even in the rhythm of the ritual, previously-held norms and boundaries can crumble apart.

     “Remember, we’ll be keeping guard for a two-hour shift. We can’t talk to one another or distract ourselves with other activities. It will be good practice for when you’re on long missions or guard shifts. Do you understand?”

     “Yes, Master Kagero!” pipe the two novice ninja trailing behind her.

     Kagero nods back to them and leads the group to Lord Ryoma’s room at the end of the hall. Outside of his door, her partner is accompanied by two other recruits, who stand more rigidly than their teacher. Saizo must have intimidated them into maintaining the proper posture. Once they see the new group arrive, the recruits sigh and their shoulders slacken.

     “Hey! Does it look like we’re finished yet?” Saizo barks at them, “We still have to formally end the shift. If you don’t straighten up right now, you’re standing for the next one. Do you understand?”

     The sheepish students immediately correct their posture.

     “It’s okay… we will begin shortly. You can leave now. Good work,” Kagero says to the recruits’ relief, who speed down the hallway before their other instructor can interject. Saizo sighs and crosses his arms. She tentatively takes a small step forward.

     “Saizo… good work. Both today and in the lesson a week ago.”

     “Thanks.” He steps back from the screened wall and walks past her. Abruptly, he stops partway down the hall and makes a full turn.

     “Kagero, I –” he halts and pauses, “…Good luck with the recruits today.” He nods decisively and makes his leave. Confused, she returns a short nod to the back of his head. The pair of recruits with her angle their heads towards her, and she shakes herself out of her confusion.

     “Yes, let’s begin then.”

     Around halfway into their shift, the fusuma door slides open. Lord Ryoma pokes his head outside, and the three ninja standing outside bow to him.

     “Kagero, can I speak to you in here?”

     “Certainly, Lord Ryoma.”

     Closing the door behind her, Kagero finds the High Prince at his writing desk plastered in stacks of reports and scrolls.

     “Kagero, thank you for letting me sit in your lesson last week. I hope I wasn’t being too intrusive, but it was exhilarating to watch! I want to commend both you and Saizo for your excellent instruction.”

     “Thank you, Milord.”

     “I can see that your students are already adept at target practice. Good work.” He smiles, “And how are the rest of your duties?”

     “Everything is going accordingly. I have discussed the details of the mission with the shinobi who will accompany me to Nestra in three months. I have also fully arranged the guard shifts for the following week. Saizo and I are rotating through the recruits so that they will have experience guarding the royal family… Milord, is there another task you ask of me?”

     “This is a rather unconventional request, but I have been so busy with war councils and reading over reports,” the prince gingerly rubs his back and glances at his crowded desk, “Simply put, I need a break. I have heard from my mother that you have been training in the tea ceremony for years now.”

     Kagero nods, “Yes, I learned it from my mother at a young age. However, it has been a while since I have been able to practice it.”

     “Well, I’d be interested in learning it someday, since everyone in the court seems to be talking about how relaxing it is. And I thought, what better way to learn about the tea ceremony than watching an expert do it?” He grins at his retainer.

     The kunoichi summons the strength to keep her eyebrows from shooting off of her head. With a level voice, she responds, “Lord Ryoma, thank you very much for your compliments, however, I am no expert. But I am flattered nevertheless, and it would be my honor and pleasure to perform the tea ceremony for you.”

     “Thank you, Kagero. I’m glad you’ve accepted. Would you be interested in doing it during your guard shift in a week? At the tea house in the east courtyard, most likely. Would that be enough time for you to prepare?”

     “If that is fine with you, then yes, Milord. I will find a substitute to guard in my place while I perform the ceremony for you.”

     “Wonderful, I am looking forward to it.”

 

* * *

 

     Twisting and whipping his body around, Saizo can only catch glints of light flickering around him. He pauses for a moment too long, but it’s enough for Kaze to land a blow on him. A sting of pain on his right bicep as the gauntlet blade scratches through his sleeve.

     “ _Shit_ ,” the elder of the two hisses.

     Kaze stops on one foot. “Maybe we should take a break now,” he eyes the cut, starting to bleed now, “You might want to get that cleaned up.”

     “It’s just a scratch. Keep going, I need to keep training.”

     A sigh. “You really should take care of it, it might get infected if-“ but Saizo hears nothing of it, already shimmying up a tree. The green-haired ninja rolls his eyes and tails after him.

     The two brothers zip around the forest, darting and swinging through the layers of branches and diving onto the ground. Saizo peaks over his shoulder. Not seeing the other twin, he ducks into a thicket of bushes and crawls on his stomach through them. A few branches snag on his new cut but he bites down on his lip. Emerging from the other end, he notices the corner of a purple scarf sticking up and makes a mad dash up the nearest tree.

     He climbs up to the tallest branch and sits down for a second to catch his breath. Saizo attempts to quietly let himself down, but something tugs on his scarf. He reaches backwards to unhook it from one of the branches and instead finds his twin perched next to him, pulling on it.

     Kaze pants, “You- can’t outrun me.” He chucks a roll of linen at his shoulder. “You should take care that.” Saizo catches the roll before it falls out of reach and glares at him. Suddenly, he slips from his spot and glides down from branch to branch to the base of the tree. Rolling up his sleeve, he winds the tape around his wound. His brother joins him on the ground shortly afterwards.

     “You seem a bit distracted today… it’s not so often that I beat you twice in a row in one training session,” he observes.

     “Hmph. Don’t rub it in.” Saizo looks down at the blood blooming through the bandage. “It’s nothing that should concern _you_ , that’s what-“

     “I… never asked you to tell me what was wrong. But since you’re bringing it up, what’s going on, brother?”

     There is an eagerness in Kaze’s eyes that irritates Saizo. All these attempts to intrude on his life, to recreate a fraternal bond that never truly existed. He says nothing in response and swears under his breath again.

     “Saizo, you don’t have to talk about it. I’m not going to press you.” a quiet pause, “…I’m sorry.”

     The elder senses the honesty and a note of resignation in his twin’s apology. He is reminded of the promise he made to Lord Ryoma to be more open to his emotions. It would probably please the both of them if he said at least something. 

     With a sigh, he grumbles a “Fine,” and a “You should be so lucky to have this opportunity to hear me air out my grievances.”

     Kaze smiles slightly and nods.

     “…Lord Ryoma told me something that I’ve been thinking about for weeks.”

     He stops, expecting his twin to prod him. The green-haired ninja crosses his arms and waits patiently.

     “He… gave his blessing to me. He said he would be happy with whomever I am in a relationship with.”

     A pause. “…Are you thinking about getting back together with Kagero?”

     Saizo frowns at the question through his mask. His flat response: “I… do not know.”

     It is quiet for a while. The wind gently rattles the leaves hanging on the branches above them.

     To both of their surprise, the elder twin is the first to speak. “It’s strange,” he mutters, “we broke up for the sake of our liege, but now that he’s given me permission to court her again… I don’t know if it’s what I want. The gap between us is larger now.”

     “Mm. I can see how working together after the end of your relationship would complicate your feelings.”

     The redheaded ninja grunts in agreement. “Every time I see her, I miss what we once had, but then I remember the guilt I felt when we were together. And then I don’t know what to say to Kagero or even how to approach our working relationship now.

     I don’t think that we can go back to what we had after we crossed that line, even knowing now we’re not turning against our liege. It was generous of Lord Ryoma to give us his blessing, but I don’t know if we’ll fulfill it.”

     “You are lucky to serve a lord who is so considerate of his retainers.”

     “Y-yes, yes I am. It is an honor,” he pauses pensively, reminded of his privilege that will likely never be extended to his twin. “You and I, we will be servants of the royal family our entire lives. But even after guarding the High Prince for all these years… I don’t know much about him. I didn’t expect for him to react the way he did, I thought of future kings more demanding and absolutist in their loyalty. He is… unusually kind and trusting. Generous.”

     “You know that of your liege, at least.”

     “…Yes. I guess you are right.”

     Saizo leans against the trunk and thinks of the sword fighting lessons he shared with Lord Ryoma at a much younger age. After he officially moved to Shirasagi, Saizo the Fourth and the prince’s sword instructor had the two boys spar with practice swords and shuriken.

     Of course, it was frowned upon a retainer to cross weapons with their liege, but this was before the Fifth officially served the prince. The Fourth thought it was good for his son and successor to learn sword-fighting before he began training for the Master Ninja promotion. Lord Ryoma’s instructor believed his pupil would benefit from adapting to different combat styles. The arrangement pleased them.

     Never speaking to the young prince before or after their sessions, what Saizo learned about him was through their clashes of bamboo swords. Already as a young teenager, Lord Ryoma struck quickly and adeptly, even managing to hit him twice in one spot. The Fifth panted, trying to catch up. The Fourth roared at him when he was being too aggressive in his blows and kicks, once knocking his partner flat on his back. Ashamed and cowering from his father’s reaction, the Fifth apologized profusely to the High Prince. The young ninja shuffled over to the teenager and extended his hand. Lord Ryoma grasped it, letting himself be pulled up by Saizo, whispering that he shouldn’t have to feel like he should have to hold back.

     He was always too kind.

     Years later, the same hands that grasped his own took them once more. His grip was firm and warm even through his gloves. Lord Ryoma had heard of Saizo the Fourth’s passing and asked to see him. The ninja rebuffed all other attempts to console him, but the gesture touched something in his heart. As the rules of his world crumbled with his father’s sudden death, paradoxically, this breech of the respectable distance to be maintained in a lord-retainer relationship was what grounded him, if only temporarily. Lord Ryoma lamented Saizo’s loss, noting that he too had lost a father before his time. His grey eyes blinked slowly and compassionately. He granted his retainer leave to return to Igasato to mourn and handle his village’s affairs. The death of Saizo the Fourth meant that his eldest son would lead their clan.

     Lord Ryoma was too kind, and Saizo was reckless.

     He handled the generosity he did not deserve impulsively, foolishly. He returned to Shirasagi Castle without his right eye but traded it with a searing, painful scar and a white glass eye. Lord Ryoma and Kagero, the latter so typically adept at masking her emotions, stared at him with wide, concerned eyes when he stepped into his liege’s chambers. Saizo avoided their pitying gazes, his pride and his shame not deserving of them.

     He hoped this time he would not waste his lord’s generosity again.

     In the present, Saizo opens his left eye and shifts towards Kaze. “I’m going to have to think about this some more.” He pauses and mumbles. “And, uh… thanks.”

     His twin tilts his head to the side, surprised, “You’re welcome.”

     “Hmph. Don’t think that you’ll be able to get this out of me all the time.”

     “Well, that means there will be a _sometime_ ,” Kaze says cheekily, earning a groan from his brother.

     “…Shut up.”

 

* * *

 

     Kagero hears the sliding of the door and crack of knees outside of the tea room. Lord Ryoma squats and crawls through the narrow entranceway. He pauses for a moment, admiring the flower arrangement she has placed outside before entering the main space. She comes into the tea room through the separate entrance after he has seated, swiftly kneeling with the plate of sweets she purchased from one of the best confectioners in downtown Shirasagi.

     “Milord, please accept this plate of sweets. They’re to be enjoyed after you finish your tea,” she bows towards him.

     “Thank you, Kagero,” Lord Ryoma bows as well. Kagero realizes that as the host and “teacher,” this is one of the few situations in her life when her liege will bow towards her.

     “I noticed your flower arrangement outside of the entrance. They were very...unique”

     “I appreciate that you noticed. Thank you.” The ninja rises and leaves to bring in the rest of the utensils, water, and bowls.

     Smoothing out her kimono as she sits back down, she announces that she will prepare the tea now. The two bow towards one another again, and Kagero silently takes in a deep breath. She picks up a tea bowl, jet black with a cracked glaze. Afterwards, the tea box which she wipes slowly with a cloth. Still holding the cloth, she wipes off the scoop in several strokes before placing it on the tea box. Lord Ryoma studies her every move intently, hands resting on his knees.

     She opens the lid of the kettle with the cloth, and places it to the side. With the ladle, she scoops the water into the tea bowl. Stirring the bamboo whisk in the bowl a few times, she cleans it. Satisfied that no blemishes are on it, Kagero sets it aside and discards the water in the cup. She brings the cup back towards her, warms it with her hand, and wipes it with a cloth. After scooping several spoonfuls of powdered green tea into the black cup, she pours a fresh ladle of water into it. Her brow furrows slightly as she whisks the tea to a froth. Finally, she rotates the cup counterclockwise and places it in front of the High Prince with a bow.

     Lord Ryoma accepts the tea and drinks it. Kagero bites her lip. Having used Orochi as a taste tester for cup after cup earlier in the week, she hoped the first one she ever served her liege did not disgust him. He admires the bowl, rotating it in his hands, the thin light through the slat window catching on the webbed glazing.

     “The bitter aftertaste of the tea was delicious. Very unusual, but delightful. Thank you very much.”

     “Thank you, Milord,” she discreetly lets out a sigh of relief, “Would you like another cup?”

     “Yes please, if you would like to. But don’t you want one for yourself first?”

     “Thank you, but the host does not make tea for themselves in the tea ceremony… and I do enjoy making it for others.” She sets about the process again.

     “You know,” the prince sets down his cup and rubs his chin, “I’ve been thinking about building a tea room in one of the unoccupied rooms near the royal chambers. It would be nice for my family and I to enjoy such a space in the winter months. Maybe… I could decorate the walls entirely in gold leaf or white lacquer panels. Find some way to bleach the bamboo for the tatami mats as well…”

     Kagero musters every ounce of self-control to not grimace at his description, but to her relief, her lord suddenly breaks into laughter.

     “Oh no, I’m only kidding. Yukimura would kill me if I ever tried to use the castle budget for something that excessive.” She can’t recall the last time she’s seen him laugh in front of his retainers, or if ever at all.

     “Oh Milord, before I forget, please enjoy these sweets after you finish this cup.” The kunoichi gestures towards the plate.

     “Thank you again.” She watches the prince take a sip of tea and eat one of the sweets, his eyes lighting up after the first bite. A sense of warmth fills her chest, wishing she could more openly share her happiness with him.

     “Kagero… thank you for showing me how to do the tea ceremony today. It was amazing to watch you, everything you did looked effortless.”

     “Thank you. It took years of practice to master each movement of my body,” she pauses contemplatively, “it’s not unlike learning how to fight with shuriken or a sword.”

     “Hmm. I suppose I will have to find a formal teacher then to help guide me. I would ask you, but you are already performing so many duties for me.”

     “Milord… it wouldn’t be any trouble at all. I would be honored to teach you, though I am not the best practitioner in the capital.”

     “Don’t worry about it, Kagero. I would be happy to do this with you again in the future.”

     “Of course-no, certainly, Lord Ryoma.” The High Prince smiles at her response.

     “It was also thrilling to see you and your partner train the students several weeks ago. I want to praise you for being so patient and clear in your instruction. I think you are a natural-born teacher.” She thanks him, trying her hardest not to flush.

     “I did notice Saizo got frustrated with the students in the beginning, until he found a method that worked… So outside of the lesson, how _has_ it been instructing the recruits with him?”

     “It has been fine. The students are learning at a good pace,” she replies diplomatically.

     “I would be interested in hearing your honest opinion. We are alone, don’t feel as if you need to hold back,” he gives his retainer a wry smile. The kunoichi closes her eyes.

     “Yes, Milord. Saizo… can be overly harsh with the recruits at times. Not only does he expect them to have mastered whatever skills they have learned so far but to also make quick, reasonable decisions in the practice missions we run.

     I believe that my partner’s approach is due to his own upbringing as a ninja, but most of the group hasn’t had training before coming to Shirasagi. And most lack the natural talent that he possesses.”

     “And you as well. I hear that was why your family sent you to the castle at a younger age than the average novice ninja.”

     “Well, I have also been training for years. T-thank you, Lord Ryoma,” she composes herself, “And because I started training at an age younger than our students, I was able to perform at a higher level at their age. But I think ninjutsu should be studied like the tea ceremony; every aspect should be mastered at a slow pace so that one can execute them precisely and consciously. It is better for the recruits to have a whole understanding of ninjutsu so they can evaluate the environment and resources available to them in different circumstances and act without risking their lives or compromising the mission.”

     The High Prince nods understandingly. “Have you tried to raise these concerns with Saizo?”

     “…I’m afraid I haven’t.”

     There is a long gap. Kagero watches a trail of smoke rise from the incense burning on the alcove and hears a bird chirp in the trees outside.

     “Kagero, do you know the reason why you were assigned to be my retainer?”

     “It was Lady Mikoto’s suggestion. You were nearing of age and you required a second retainer.”

     “That is… partially correct. But my mother also noticed the natural synergy between you and Saizo.” He raises his eyebrows.

     “If you remember the sparring sessions you had with Saizo not too long before you became my retainer, my mother was the one who arranged them. She made observations while we both watched you. Your fighting styles were so different, but when you were put together, you moved together so fluidly, as if you planned the fight. Where he would try to land a blow, you would twist around and find another place to strike. When you weren’t looking for a second, he would find the moment to attack. It was thrilling, and I understood what my mother meant.

     “By paring you both, I saw for myself that at your best, you could fill in the strengths the other lacked and push the other to improve on their weaknesses. But there are times, such as now, when these differences can be polarizing.”

     He studies the cracked glaze of the cup in his hands.

     “Kagero, there is something that I must share with you. I know of the source of tension in your partnership. I know of the past relationship between you and Saizo.”

     “How… did you find out,” she asks with a parched mouth. Her heart thuds erratically.

     “I asked Saizo about it.”

     The ninja shuts her eyes and curses his name in her head. She bows towards him. “Lord Ryoma, I apologize for our improper conduct, but I assure you that our relationship now is strictly professional. We have ended it for your sake.”

     The prince shakes his head. “There is no need for you to apologize, Kagero. I don’t think that I should have the right to control my retainers’ personal lives outside of their work. I want you to know that you should be with whomever makes you happy, whether it is Saizo or someone else.”

     “M-milord,” her heart still races, “I am grateful for your blessing. Thank you for your kindness.”

     Abruptly, her liege’s raised eyebrows knit together. “…Kagero, you act as if this was all new information, both of Saizo telling me of your relationship and of my blessing to you both… I told him the exact same thing as I just shared with you now.”

     The words echo in her head, her heartbeat slows. “…Yes, this is the first I have heard of this.”

     “…I see.” Kagero swears that she notices his eyes widening.

     “Well, then, as I was saying earlier, I think you both could benefit from taking a cue from one another occasionally. As I encouraged Saizo to be more patient with the students’ progress, as you are, I think that it would benefit you to find windows of opportunity like he does. Find unexpected ways to challenge your students and look for prime opportunities on your own missions.

     As you know, not everything goes according to plan, and if you miss the window to act, another chance to strike may never come again.”

     The kunoichi senses a sudden drive in her heart, seeming to have put the previous revelation to the side. “Thank you for your advice. I will think about how I can apply it.”

     Kagero mulls over her liege’s words as she observes the incense burning across the room. Two long trails of smoke twist around one another before they dissipate in the ceiling.

 

* * *

 

     “I am here, Lord Ryoma. What do you need?”

     His lord, dressed in full armor, turns around to face Saizo. The light of the candles and lanterns glints off its shiny scarlet surface. He must have just finished one of his late-night training sessions.

     “Saizo, would you be able to ask one of the servants to help me remove the larger pieces of my armor?”

     “Please- allow me to do it,” the ninja abruptly interjects. He pauses, slightly self-conscious. “It’s late, and it is my duty as your retainer to help you in your needs. That is- if you would like me to help you.”

     “Well, if you are offering, then sure,” he smiles warmly, “Thank you.”

     Saizo steps closer to his liege and stiffens, unsure of where to begin. He catches himself glancing him over up and down, figuring out which piece can be pulled off first.

     The day that Lord Ryoma first wore his complete suit of samurai armor, Saizo watched him from the background with an immense pride. The prince looked so much like the late King Sumeragi, not just in the silhouette of scalloped plates and his head piece, but the noble air in which he carried himself. It was as if the legacy of his father compelled the High Prince to lift his head to reach the height of the late king, but the heaviness of the armor itself was too much for the teenager to bear. Lord Ryoma wobbled from foot-to-foot until he found his center of gravity. The reality that this young man would one day become king, and Saizo would be there to support him, truly dawned upon the ninja in that moment.

     Saizo crouches down to undo the ties on his liege’s shin guards, carefully removing each loosened piece and gently setting resting them on the mats, as if they will shatter without his careful touch. Meanwhile, the High Prince loosens the ties on his gauntlets. Startingly, the ninja stands up and retrieves the gauntlets from him.

     “My Liege, please. Let me take those... You have been working hard lately.”

     A chuckle. “You as well,” then a sigh, “Maybe I shouldn’t have practiced so late in the evening. Now I’m just exhausted.”

     “If I may say it, you probably needed the break. I- myself, find that training is productive to keeping my skills and reflexes sharp in my downtime.”

     “Mmm. Do you train quite often then?”

     “Only in my free time. Occasionally with my brother.” Saizo moves over to the scalloped plates on the shoulders that trail down to his forearms. “My Liege, may I?”

     Lord Ryoma nods, “Yes, but don’t feel as if you need to ask me about every single piece. Feel free to go ahead, Saizo.” His retainer pries off each piece, starting at the top.

     The High Prince coughs. “Do you… tire of training with the same person all of the time?”

     “I do not, actually. His style of fighting is very different than my own. We find ways to undermine the other or to use the other’s strength against him.”

     “Hmm… that makes sense to me. I wonder if I should train with my own siblings. Sakura and even Takumi are too young and inexperienced, I’m afraid. Hinoka wouldn’t be a bad idea though, practicing how to maneuver around spears. That’s… always been a weakness of mine,” he admits, grinning sheepishly.

     Saizo nods in response as he removes the last scalloped piece, revealing his lord’s arms underneath. Normally encased in the bulk of his armor or hidden under the billowing sleeves of a haori, seeing his practically bare arm surprises the ninja. Even through the fabric of the sleeve clinging to it, he can tell that Lord Ryoma’s arms are well-defined and large. Saizo discreetly diverts his gaze.

     His hands slowly reach out to undo the tie on the prince’s jinbaori in front of his chest. Lord Ryoma glances back at him for a second, and his eyes dart to his right. Saizo pulls the bow away from his lord’s body, so that his own touch does not come too close to it. He loosens it, prompting the prince to shrug it off to the floor.

     Blinking, Saizo looks up at the headpiece and down at the chest piece remaining on the High Prince’s body. He freezes.

     “…Would you be able help me remove my chin and head pieces? I always struggle with the ties on my own.”

     While he knows it is improper to refuse any request his liege makes of him, the ninja nearly declines, knowing how much physically closer it will bring him to the other man. But a small force inside of him drives his hands to reach forth, trembling.

     Saizo’s hands lightly pull away the loops behind Lord Ryoma’s ears, carelessly brushing against his earlobes. He avoids staring at him all the while.

     The chin guard now loosened, the ninja removes it deftly, but it slips out of his hand, clattering to the floor. His hands feel the curve where the prince’s jaw meets his chin. They regrettably linger on his jawline. The heat of his face seeps through his gloves. He lifts his head to find his liege gazing back at him.

     The other man does not back away or try to brush him off. His grey eyes gaze softly, warmly back at him, lips slightly parted. Saizo impulsively wishes that he removed his own gloves earlier.

     But as swiftly as he removed the previous prices of armor, he drops his hands from Lord Ryoma’s face, suddenly aware of the position of both of their bodies.   

     “Milord, I should excuse myself for the night.” he says in an unusually quiet, almost somber, voice.

     Before the High Prince can say something, Saizo departs, grateful that his mask conceals the growth of the blush rapidly creeping up his cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick shout-out to Blossoms (OrangeBlossoms on AO3) for reading over the tea ceremony scene! I wanted to make sure that I got down all of the steps of it correctly since it's been several years since I've seen one but I didn't want to get lost in description!
> 
> I still don't understand how Ryoma's armor works, even after looking at his concept art and his in-game model.


	6. Live Through This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unfortunate incident forces Kagero and those closest to her to reevaluate their priorities. 
> 
> [This is the only chapter with violence in it, but it is typical of most Fire Emblem games].

     The group of ninja slink past the fortress wall, footsteps masked by the heavy chirping of cicadas. Saizo leads the recruits from the front while Kagero guards the back, ensuring none of them step out of line or fall behind. A recruit stubs his toe on a rock and yelps. The other students spin around and glare at him. He hastily covers his mouth, muffling an apology. To their instructors’ relief, none of these potential distractions have slowed down the group’s movement.

     Saizo scans the forest behind them that leads back to the border. No signs of movement. Gesturing behind him to order the rest of the group to stay, he crawls ahead to a gap in the fortress wall. Through its cragged gap, he sees only one Nohrian foot soldier on the main floor and several others stationed sparsely throughout. And no Faceless in sight. Perfect, just as the surveillance notes promised. He nods towards Kagero, who returns the gesture and nods towards the students to catch up to their other instructor.

     Kagero continues to scout the area around them as they crawl along the stone wall. She’s led other groups of recruits on sneaking exercises like this one, but it never hurts to be cautious, especially on this group’s first exercise outside of Hoshidan territory. In hindsight, she is surprised at how quickly she agreed to Saizo’s suggestion to hold the exercise on the other side of the border. At least so far, this fortress appears to be manned by fewer soldiers than average.

     Reaching a set of crates that serendipitously trail up to the roof on the exterior of the second floor, Saizo holds up a hand to halt the other ninja.

     “The crates might creak. Move as carefully as possible,” he lectures in a low whisper. “ _Don’t mess this up_.”

     The students nod affirmatively and wait for their instructor in the front to make his ascent. Kagero behind them urges them to keep up the pace to avoid exposure. She steps onto the crates, letting her feet and hands naturally sink with the give of the wood.

     Three students behind Saizo, a young kunoichi’s foot slips off a crate. Saizo and Kagero’s eyes instantly train on her. Her hand squeezes the edge of the crate, struggling to keep her balance. Everyone holds their breath. Luckily, she pulls her body weight towards the stack and manages to find a foothold. Without taking a moment to pause, the kunoichi and the rest of the ninja proceed onwards.

     On the roof, their feet conscientiously land softly on the shingles. In the distance, Saizo notices a large shadow stomp through the trees. _Dammit_. He whispers to the group to make it past the corner to the other side of the wall.

     Kagero glimpses one of the ninja in the rear tapping the side of his leg, feeling for something. With no success, he attempts to slip behind his instructor.

     She whips around sharply, “ _Kenichi. What are you doing.”_

     “I-I dropped my shuriken. I need to get it ‘cause what if one of the guards finds it and then he’ll figure out we’re here-“

     “ _Leave it_ ,” Kagero hisses, “ _You are compromising your own safety and that of your peers and instructors if you abandon the group_.”

     At this point, her partner and the rest of their students have moved past the corner. She entertains grabbing the teenager by his scarf, but he has already leapt from the roof, making a quiet fall on the ground. Kagero’s heart pounds as she debates whether to alert the rest of group or to retrieve the student.

     Kenichi feels around on the dirt and mulch, head tilted downwards. Birds soar out of the trees, cawing. The dark shadow in the trees grows larger. Kagero glances rapidly between her student, around the corner, and to what lurks ahead.

 _Dammit_.

     She feels a tap on her shoulder to find Saizo glaring testily at her, the rest of the students trailing behind him. “ _What in blazes are you doing?_ ”

     “ _He, he said he dropped something and I tried to stop him from getting it-“_

     “ _Kenichi has made his choice. He can live with the consequences of his decision, just like on a real mission. If he gets hurt, he gets hurt. If he makes it back, great. But we have to keep moving-“_

     And with a great roar, a Faceless bounds out of the forest, branches snapping in its path. The two instructors freeze, faces ashen. The students behind them gasp. The monster spots Kenichi, shuriken in hand, and produces a terrible scream out of its mouthless stump. It charges after him.

     “ _Shit,_ Kagero, we have to go. Now.” Saizo turns to the other students, trying to suppress the bile rising to his throat, “Get out of here, _now_!”

     Kagero, frozen, watches Kenichi in horror. Sifting through the students’ shrieks and her partner’s barking orders, she reaches out for a solution. And through the cacophony, Lord Ryoma’s advice from not too long ago rings out clearly:

_If you miss the window to act, another chance to strike may never come again._

     The noise of the world around her vanishes as she steadies her body.

     The kunoichi bolts off the roof and uses the momentum to land on the Faceless’s back, driving one of her daggers into its neck. It shrieks terribly as it swings around, attempting to swat Kagero off, but she grips onto the kunai and digs her feet into its back. Saizo swears under his breath. Grunting, she produces another dagger and drives it up into the creature’s chest. It screams again, but it stops spinning around. Kagero continues to ride the Faceless, pushing the daggers in deeper until it collapses. She immediately runs over to the pale Kenichi.

     “ _Run_.” She turns towards the rest of her students, “Everyone, to the border. _Now_. This exercise-”

 _Thwick_.

     An arrow cleanly shoots through the air and pierces Kagero’s torso, coming through her back. She sputters. A dribble of blood oozes from her mouth. Kenichi leaps backwards and sprints into the forest.

     The recruits, still on the roof, gasp in horror. Panicked, Saizo’s eye darts between his partner, now struggling to stand on the ground, and the sniper in the guard tower on top of the fourth story. The sniper pulls back the bow string slowly, aiming his next arrow towards Kagero.

     Suddenly, the fury burning in Saizo’s heart erupts and flames engulf his entire body.

     “STAY.” He orders his students, holding out a hand in warning.

     With an incredible speed, the ninja climbs up the rooftops until he reaches his target. He barrels through the window and buries a flaming kunai into the sniper’s throat before he can see his assailant. The archer chokes and gargles on the ground. The smell of charred flesh stings the air.

     Saizo jumps from the window and braces his body before hitting the ground. His heart crumples as Kagero drops to her knees and collapses, unconscious. Some of the students cry out, but they all make the leap from the roof. The red-headed ninja, breathing laboriously, walks over to his partner and hoists her body over his shoulder.

     “This exercise is over. We make our way to the bridge _immediately_. _Move!_ ”

     The students dash to the border without any further prodding. Saizo leads the group, Kagero bobbing with his movements.

     He notices that the edge of Kagero’s scarf has caught fire on the cooling embers on his arms. Panicking, he wrangles it off her neck and chucks it behind them. The ninja grimaces guiltily at a new burn mark on her arm. Managing to catch up to Kenichi, he chews out the remorseful recruit for compromising the exercise and risking the life of his instructor and one of the High Prince’s retainers.

     Saizo can feel the blood of his partner’s wound seep through his tunic.

 _Please, please, let her live_. He repeats the words like a mantra to steady his own breath, his shaky emotions as the group approaches the bridge. He can only pray that some god will spare her.

 

* * *

 

     Blearily, Kagero’s eyes try to open. But they immediately close.

     Several minutes later, she opens them more fully and tries to make sense of her surroundings. A cot and a blanket tucked over her legs bind their movement. The clean, starched cloth of a robe scratches against her skin. She glances downwards to see that her uniform has been removed. She recognizes the crisp paper walls of the Shirasagi Castle infirmary, finally realizing where she is. The woman can’t remember the last time she was admitted here or why she is here right now.

     She finds to her left Orochi sitting on a chair, her hand hanging limply on the edge of the cot and weary face downcast. Kagero frowns and tries to speak. Her throat is too parched for any sound to come out. Instead, she weakly lifts her left hand and gently places it on top of her best friend’s. Startled, the other woman nearly tips over on her seat.

     Orochi gapes at her best friend. She chokes out a sob and her eyes immediately pool with tears.

     “K-Kagero, you have no idea how happy I am to see you again.” The diviner begins to cry, using the backs of her hand to dry her cheeks.

     “O…Orochi… what happened…” The ninja’s words come out hoarsely, dryly.

     “W-wait, you really don’t remember?” Orochi’s brow crumples, “Almost a week ago, you were on a training mission with your students and a sniper got you. You… almost died,” her lip quivers and the tears return, “Saizo, he saved your life. He was able to bring you back before you lost too much blood.”

     “Really…” Kagero vaguely remembers her partner shouting and the smell of burning flesh.

     Angry, hot tears stream down the other woman’s face. “And if I was in his place, the sniper would have been _dead_ on the ground before they even had the chance to draw their bowstring.”

     Suddenly, Orochi squeezes her, burying her head in Kagero’s neck and sobbing. The ninja finally senses the wound that brought her to the infirmary, a searing, biting pain in the core of her torso. She winces from the pressure of the hug on her injury, but the other woman’s bare arms are warm and soft against the starchiness of the yukata. The ninja tries to wrap her arms around her best friend, but she can only manage to lean into her body.

     “Orochi… have you been here the whole time?”

     The diviner shakes her head. “My duties to Lady Mikoto have whisked me away from time to time, but I have been keeping vigil at your bedside in between!”

     “T-thank you.”

     “It’s the least that I can do. It would be lonely all by yourself with only the aging priests and priestesses to keep you company!” To the kunoichi’s relief, she notices none of the clergy members who tend the Shirasagi infirmary are present.

     Through her tears, Orochi gives her a sunny smile, “I hope that I can bring some cheer to break up the dullness and sterility of this place! I know _I_ wouldn’t be able to stand it if the first person you saw after you regained consciousness wasn’t your Orochi!”

     The warmth of her words seeps into Kagero’s heart. She feebly tries to reach out for her best friend’s hands. Orochi takes them into her own and squeezes them gently.

     “I, I’m glad that you were here for that, Orochi. Thank you,” she whispers before the other woman pulls her into another hug.

     “Kagero, you’re going to make me weep all over again! You know exactly how to trouble a young woman’s heart,” she giggles before she releases her from her grip, “Now, please, get some rest. You must be exhausted!”

 

* * *

 

     Another time that Kagero wakes up, she finds herself alone in the room. A collection of notes and letters sit on the low table next to her cot. She winces, reaching over to retrieve them.

     First, there are the notes from her family. Her father’s handwriting frenetically trails down the page, expressing his and her mother’s relief that their daughter is safe. He urges her to write when she can pick up a brush. Kosuke, her brother, wrote a separate note in his carefree, loose scrawl. He jokes that since she is the one who is healthier than him, she should recover as quickly as possible so that he won’t have to serve the royal family in her place. Kagero rolls her eyes and smiles to herself.

     A large pile of short notes from her students has also accumulated on the table. They wish their teacher to get better soon. A few say that they miss her. One particularly long note, who she suspects is from Kenichi, finds at least ten different ways to apologize to her. He promises to take his training exercises more seriously, now that he knows how dangerous their work is. She smiles bittersweetly, knowing that as a model of ninja behavior for her students, she’ll never be able to openly share her joy with them.

     Kagero carefully picks up a card decorated with a series of paper cutouts and a pink string tied into a beautiful knot. She blushes when she recognizes the handwriting. She is grateful that she is the only person in the infirmary then. Lady Mikoto writes in elegant loops that she is sorry to hear of her former retainer’s accident and hopes for a smooth recovery. She also hopes that Orochi’s company will speed up that process.

     The final note is tied to a small tin of powdered green tea. Lord Ryoma writes in bold, quick strokes that he attempted to visit her once in the infirmary, but she was sleeping, and he apologizes for missing her (Kagero flushes again). The prince asks that she takes her time in recovering, but he looks forward to seeing her again. The tea he had delivered on his behalf is one of his favorite varieties and he hopes it will help her get her energy back. The kunoichi sets the notes aside. She reminds herself to ask Orochi or one of the priestesses to brew some of the tea before she falls back asleep.

 

* * *

 

     Hands folded behind him, Saizo walks silently down the hallway to the infirmary. Coming around the corner, he nearly collides into another figure, who steps backwards. Once he recognizes who it is, his eyes narrow.

     “Orochi,” he greets her bluntly. He feels the charm he purchased months ago still inside of his bracer.

     “Saizo,” her lips pout, “Listen. I am aware of the current circumstances between you and Kagero. And yet, despite all of that, you risked your own life to save hers... and I just wanted to thank you for that.”

     Reflexively prepared to spit out a caustic remark in response, the ninja is taken aback. He notices the genuine worry and fatigue in her eyes, and sighs, glancing downwards.

     “Really… it wasn’t much. It’s the least I could have done as her partner.” He adds off-handedly, “But if I lost Kagero, I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

     The corner of Orochi’s mouth twitches. “Understandable,” she states flatly. Without a goodbye or snarky response, she walks past him.

     Saizo enters the infirmary and to his relief, finds that more color has returned to his partner’s face since he brought her back to the castle. He waits for her to awaken, standing a good foot and a half from the cot.

     Ten minutes later, the kunoichi opens her eyes to find her partner’s steely gaze greeting her. She blinks back, unperturbed.

     “Hello, Saizo.”

     He doesn’t hesitate before he beings his lecture: “What the hell were you doing?”

     Kagero scowls at him. “Saizo, what-“

     “Why did you, as a Master Ninja, act so impulsively during the exercise? You nearly died and jeopardized our students’ lives because of your interference. You should have left Kenichi learn from his mistake.”

     Finding a sudden source of strength, she barks back. “You are such a hypocrite. _You’re_ the one who always makes reckless decisions on our missions.”

     The redheaded ninja winces. Kagero sighs.

     “I, I’m sorry. You’re right, I shouldn’t have endangered everyone. I know I normally don’t act so rashly. But when I was watching that Faceless charge after our student, and trying to think of ways that I could save him without alerting the guards, I thought, what if Saizo’s philosophy _is_ right? What if the best thing to do in this situation is to risk your own life for the sake of your allies?”

     Her partner turns towards her, and she continues, “Saizo, I thank you for escorting the students in the aftermath of my hasty decision. And for saving my life… I’m grateful.”

     Taking a seat on the edge of the cot, Saizo bows his head. “Kagero… I should be the one apologizing. I shouldn’t have chewed you out like that. Especially since the first time I saw you after you regained consciousness …I’m sorry. And thank you for saving the boy’s life. If you hadn’t acted first, I know I would have soon enough.”

     Even though he is wearing his mask, she can tell he is smiling wryly by the way the corners of his good eye crinkle up. “I’m so relieved that you made it out alive because who else would challenge my reckless behavior? I’m sure I’d be dead without you.” He chuckles.

     And suddenly, Saizo takes his partner’s hand into his own. Kagero can feel his searing body heat through his gloves. She meets his gaze and gives him one of her rare open-mouth smiles that he has not seen for months. The one she shared with him when he complimented her bitter tea, or returned home from a mission to her room, or when he surprised her with fresh ink or watercolors he bought from the capitol shops. Or when he told her that he loved her.

     The brunette squeezes his hand back. “I don’t think that’s quite right. We both need to keep an eye out for one another.”

     The two move closer towards each other, breathing slowly. Kagero’s face angles towards his own and her lips part, but the gesture only reminds Saizo of the way their lord gazed at him several weeks ago. He remembers the way the edge of his jawbone felt through his gloves. He halts.

     “I-I can’t. I’m sorry,” he stutters, stepping away from the cot and turning away from her. She grips the sides of the cot and musters the energy to lift her body onto the floor, but Saizo has already shut the infirmary door before he can hear her call after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title comes from the intro of ["Your Ex Lover Is Dead" by Stars](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5Or6-HOveg), the song which was the inspiration for this fic! At first I wanted to write something closer to a songfic, but as I put more of the overarching plot together, it clearly wasn't going to work. However, I'm much happier with how it turned out!
> 
> There's going to be a bit of a gap when the next chapter is coming out; I'll be very busy the next two weeks. But I wanted to make sure that I published this one before all of the other stuff that's coming up begins!


	7. I Am Just a Servant, Like Your Shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following Kagero's nearly-deadly injury, she and Saizo readjust to working together and cope with some unexpected revelations.

_"The chambermaid opens the door to her lady’s chambers upon the midnight hour to find him standing there. It is the handsome courtier who slipped the note inside of her sleeve that afternoon. Suddenly, he takes her into his arms, and he inhales the rich perfume scenting her neck. He whispers in her ear the exact same poem he had written to her:_

If he finishes  
          Laying down the summer seeds  
          Can the farmer reap spring shoots? _  
_

_Wetting her sleeve with joyous tears, she cleverly responds:_

If the wise farmer  
Plans ahead for the season  
He may reap spring alfalfa _  
_

_And he embraces her, kissing her on the mouth. His body is strong against hers as he pushes the chambermaid against the futon. He presses up against her leg. Both quiver for the want of each other’s desire. She tugs her fingers in the courtier’s hair as he kisses down her neck and feels his way through her robes._

_Yes! You may reap my spring alf-_ ” Orochi cackles sharply, “I’m sorry Kagero, I can’t read this _drivel_ anymore. You try reading it.”

The diviner shuts the flimsy book and nudges it into her best friend’s shoulder.

“I didn’t think it was so bad. The story itself isn’t that interesting, but I thought the courtier’s poems complemented the forbidden romance between them,” Kagero offers while drawing in her sketchbook, using a heavy piece of charcoal to shade in the lines.

“Hm, but the author didn’t have write so conspicuously about it. Did she think that by using harvest metaphors for sex, that the readers would finally get it?” Orochi rolls her eyes. “If you want to keep reading it though, I won’t stop you, especially since I bought this book to entertain you. It must get lonely to be on bedrest for another week. It might give you some _much-needed_ relief.” 

The kunoichi lightly bats the giggling woman on the shoulder with her sketchpad.

“ _Orochi_ ,” she hisses, “I want you to look at this instead.” Folding back the other pages of her sketchbook, she holds up her newest creation. She tilts her head to the side, anticipating her friend’s feedback.

“Oh Kagero, it’s beautiful! I love the dark swirls and jagged lines, it feels very organic!” Her catlike grin returns, “Did my _impassioned_ reading of the fresh spring alfalfa poem inspire this piece?”

The kunoichi bites down on her lip to avoid joining in her best friend’s laughter. Instead, she rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

A light rapping on the screen door catches the women’s attention. Their eyes light up once they recognize the latest guest to Kagero’s room peering through the opening.

“Kaze!” they say in unison, although the enthusiasm in Orochi’s voice overpowers that of her friend. The ninja nods warmly.

“It is good to see you both, Orochi. Kagero. I’m sorry that I was unable to stop and see you while you were still in the infirmary. I was busy with several missions, but I should have come by during my free time… I hope you do not mind that I’ve stopped by now.”

Kagero shakes her head. “I was not troubled by it. We are both busy in our work and I thank you for taking the time to see me.”

“It’s no trouble. But how are you feeling now? I heard it was quite serious.”

“It was, but the pain from my wound diminishes every day. And the priests and doctors have ordered me to abstain from intense assignments for some time though.”

Kaze smiles slightly. “It must be strange for you to be so idle.”

“She deserves it! Not the injury, of course,” Orochi chirps and squeezes the other woman’s arm, “Kagero has been working so hard lately, and she needs a break!”

The green-haired ninja uses his foot to gingerly brush away unused linen tape and art supplies on the floor. He scoots down closer to the two women on Kagero’s futon. “I hope you continue to have a safe recovery.”

“Thank you, Kaze.” Kagero pauses. “I understand that you have been filling in my spot for teaching the students. I wanted to thank you for that as well. I hope to be well enough by next week to take the extra burden off you.”

“I’m happy to help an old friend. I haven’t taught much with my brother before… We have different teaching styles, but I’m sure that we’ll find a middle ground. Somehow.”

The kunoichi frowns and glances off to the side. Kaze’s brow flattens.

“So, um, Kagero, how have you been spending your time during your recovery?”

“Well, I’ve done some drawing and painting after I got the strength back in my arms. Reading too. They’ve held me over from not being able to train,” she turns towards the other woman on the futon, “And Orochi has been spending a lot of time with me in between her duties. I appreciate her company.” The diviner beams and Kaze smiles.

“I’m glad that you both have each other.”

Orochi and Kaze make small talk while Kagero idly sketches in her book. She hears bits of their conversation, her best friend sharing the gossip she’s liberally picked up from her divinations. Rather than jump in, she is merely content just to listen and share the company of her two old friends.

Seeming to read her mind, the diviner remarks, “How fateful is it that all three of us are in one place together again, and none of us are working! I can’t remember the last time that’s happened, you workaholics. And it’s only because _one of you_ got hurt.”

The kunoichi snorts. “Maybe I should get wounded more often then.”

“Certainly not! …But this is the most quality time I’ve had with you in ages.”

Kagero returns to her drawing with a small smile.

“I really missed this, spending time with you both. Do you remember how we four-,” Orochi catches herself, “Er, how _we_ used to get up to the worst trouble as teenagers? Well, it was usually _me_ who dragged all of you into trouble. But you were always the ones who covered our tracks. I knew I was blessed with good foresight when I befriended ninja!” She winks playfully.

“But shouldn’t your foresight have told you which one of your pranks would work?” Kaze smiles.

“Mmm. But I only got you involved in the ones I _knew_ I wouldn’t be able to get out of!” She laughs boisterously and her other two companions chuckle.

“Oh Kaze… I missed you. You should stop and see me sometime, have some tea. Say hello in between one of your scary missions!” The corner of her smile jerks upwards with a slight strain in her voice, “The both of you. I mean it.”

“…I’ll try my best.” He gives her a reassuring nod. “But if I can’t go for a while, will you go in my place, Kagero?”

“Yes, yes I can.” She hopes her response sounds sincere.

Orochi reminds them of the past exploits she wrangled them into, from swapping out the armor of the castle diviners with the pegasus riders (the latter refused to go up into the chilly air with exposed midriffs, and a fight broke out between some of the members of each group) to reading an intricately-planned web of fortunes that created a love triangle between a group of ten courtiers. Kagero idly twirls around a strand of hair and offers a few addendums to both of her friends’ stories. Noticing that her ponytail is coming loose, she unties her hair and places the ribbon keeping it up in her mouth.

A hand rests gently upon her shoulder. “I can help you with that, my dear.”

The diviner invitingly pats the space in between her legs and Kagero scoots up against her. It is a comforting position, a ritual from the time they both served Lady Mikoto. Orochi first showed her how to braid the sides of her hair, just like she did, and used one of her extra white hair ribbons to tie it up (“And doesn’t it look cute?” she beamed). Long fingernails separate and weave through the strands of her dark hair, tugging slightly as she pulls them back into thin braids. The kunoichi relaxes against the other woman’s body, softly humming and resting her eyes for a moment.

Opening her eyes, she finds her other friend peering down at them. She is not sure if it is because of the way she angles her head to look up at him, but she swears that Kaze’s closed smile has widened. Confused, she raises her eyebrows inquisitively, but he looks away modestly as if he has just made a rude gesture.

Observing her friends staring at each other, Orochi winks at Kaze. “If you want Orochi to braid your hair too, all you have to do is ask.”

“Oh, no thank you. I don’t think my hair is long enough anyways,” he coughs, “I’m sorry, but I should return to my duties… I’ll leave you both be. It was good to see you again.” He turns back towards Kagero and nods knowingly.

And with that simple gesture, likely made without much thought, Kagero is suddenly aware of the way she leans back into Orochi’s torso, hands resting on her thighs for support. How an outsider might perceive a ritual she once thought so calming and amicable. Her body tenses with the memory of shining eyes observing her and her friend through the thicket.

Clasping her hands back together, the kunoichi lurches forward. “That’s fine Orochi, thank you. I can finish this from here.”

“Are you sure? I just had a little more to go…”

“No, it’s alright. I- do it every day anyways.” Her hands sweep her incomplete ponytail to the front. “I’m sorry, I am growing tired. I think I’m going to take a nap soon.”

“Mmm… I see. I think I’ll leave now as well.” She sighs, “Would you like me to close your shades then?”

“…Yes. Thank you, Orochi.”

She doesn’t watch the diviner as she moves across the room. Despite Orochi’s best efforts to quietly pull down the screen blinds, Kagero hears the creak of every footfall on the tatami mats.

“Goodbye, Kagero… shall I come sometime later then?”

Kagero doesn’t respond before the other woman slips through the door. Her unfinished braids wind apart as she turns her head, looking around her newly-private, darkened room.

 

* * *

 

The early morning sunlight cuts through the gaps between the paper windows and onto Saizo’s face. He opens the door quietly so as not to disturb his master, even though another ninja informed him that the High Prince had requested his presence.  

“Milord.”

“Saizo, good morning,” Lord Ryoma, still in his sleeping robes, sits upright in his futon. “Have you had the chance to go outside yet?”

“I have not, but it doesn’t look like it will rain today.”

“Good. I’m glad the monsoon season is taking a day off. Would you like to take a walk somewhere outside the castle? It’s the perfect time before it gets too hot in the day.”

“Of course, Lord Ryoma.” Saizo is slightly startled when the prince begins to disrobe, shedding his sleeping jacket. Respectfully, he averts his gaze and tries not to think about how defined his lord’s arms were the night he helped him take off his armor. Much to his relief, Lord Ryoma ducks behind a screen. He returns several minutes later wearing a haori over hakama pants.

“Well, since you spend a lot of time away from the castle grounds, how about we go to one of your favorite spots?”

 

* * *

 

Spots of light and shadow alternate hitting the two men’s faces, the mid-morning sun guiding them on the path through the woods.

They share several brief conversations, with Lord Ryoma initiating most of the questions. The morning cicadas complete gaps between Saizo’s shorter answers. The prince asks him about working with his brother and if he has heard any news from Igasato. The ninja asks how his lord’s family is doing. He does not know much about the younger royal siblings, but he senses it is only polite to reciprocate. Saizo notices that as he naturally falls behind the High Prince, Lord Ryoma will occasionally slow down his pace to walk at his side. And then they begin the cycle anew.

Eventually, his liege rests under a particularly shady branch, and turns to face him. “…I wanted to walk with you today because I wanted to ask something of you.”

Saizo bows his head. “Anything you need of me, Milord.”

“Saizo, since you are my retainer, you are almost always in my presence, whether or not I am aware of it. We have known each other for years, but despite that, I wish there wasn’t such a great distance between us… I hope this does not come across as too sudden.”

Embarrassed that he must have a dumbfounded expression on his face, the ninja states plainly, “L-Lord Ryoma, if you wish for me to start guarding you inside of your bedchambers, I am content to follow your orders.”

The High Prince chuckles. “I’m sorry, maybe I should have been more direct. I meant it more on a personal level… and I would like to get to know you better,” he turns towards Saizo directly, light flickering around his face, “I know that it is unconventional for a Crown Prince to want to befriend to his retainer, but I think we have more in common than we realize.”

The pounding of Saizo’s heart overpowers the unusually meek “Thank you” he gives in response. Lord Ryoma begins to walk once again, nodding towards his retainer to follow.

“If you want to, I’d like to spend more time with you, not in the capacity of our work, but spending our free time together and getting to know one another. Doing things together. We could take walks, share meals. I’ve also started learning how to perform the tea ceremony, and it would be fun to share it with someone.

“There is also a banquet coming up. The court nobles host one in the fall, it’s several months from now. All the vegetables from the end of the summer are delicious, and so is the rest of the food there… And I was wondering if you would like to join me as my guest.”

A sense of lightness rises in Saizo’s chest. But then the shinobi hesitates before he can impulsively accept.

“Lord Ryoma, I am humbled by your invitation. Thank you. But I’m afraid that I don’t have anything proper to wear to such an event,” his voice lowers, “The nicest kimono I own is rather old and worn.”

“Don’t worry about what you’re going to wear, that can be easily arranged. I have met one of my brother’s newest retainers, who comes from a well-regarded family of tailors, and I hear she is an accomplished seamstress herself.” He adds with a slight smile, “It will be a good chance for you to get to know your fellow retainers better.”

Saizo says nothing in response, anticipating the eyes of Hoshido’s nobility trained on him for the evening, whispering comments behind the fans they daintily press to their mouths.

_No matter how nicely he’s dressed, you can’t hide a backwoods ruffian._

_How could the High Prince invite a ninja, let alone one of_ that _clan, to this event!_

“I am always happy to be at my lord’s side, but I have heard what the lords and ladies of the court have said about myself, my brother, and my clan… I am afraid that to be seated by your side would reflect poorly upon the future King.”

Lord Ryoma stops. He frowns and glances downwards. “Yes… I am also all too aware of the comments the nobles have made about the Igasato clan. I am sorry that they have come around to you.”

His brow furrows and an anger that the ninja rarely hears rises in the prince’s voice, “I wish that they would just let it go. It’s been so many years since King Garon had my father killed. Your brother was so young, he didn’t know any better. It wasn’t his or your father’s fault,” (Saizo turns away and winces), “I _know_ that you and your brother are honorable, loyal men. You both do the work to keep the peace in Hoshido that the courtiers would never dare to do themselves. _They have no right to judge you_.”

Taking a long breath out of his nose to steady himself, the prince sighs. “I’m sorry for my outburst, Saizo. But it is something that has frustrated me for a while.” The sun’s rays seem to illuminate the back of his head in that moment, catching on copper-red strands in his hair. Saizo squints from its brilliance.

“But in all honesty, I don’t care about what the guests at the banquet will think about me, or you. I don’t care what they may think about my retainers or your profession in general. I am tired of their comments, and I would much rather talk to my siblings, my mother, and you while I am there.”

The creases around his eyes curl upwards, “If that is what is holding you back, then you should know that it is not a problem for me… I admit that the only person I was thinking of asking was you. I think that you would be a wonderful companion for the evening,”

Embarrassed by his liege’s word choice and his own elation at the thought of sitting by his liege’s side throughout the night, and fearful of how he might react being so close to him, Saizo cannot find the words to respond. Or what he truly wants in this situation.

His lord frowns at what the ninja figures must be a baffled expression on his own face. “Saizo, I am sorry if this has caused you any distress,” (which only serves to worsen his anxiety), “But I want you to know that this is not an order. If you do not wish to join me, I won’t take any offense or punish you in any way.”

Finally, Saizo coughs and speaks up. “Milord, if I could have some time to think about your invitation, I would be grateful.”

“Please, go ahead. I don’t mind waiting for your response.” Lord Ryoma nods. “Should we go back to the castle then?”

“Thank you,” his retainer bows slightly. “And I apologize, I must leave without you. There are duties back at the castle I must attend to. But I will keep my eye over you on your return.”

Saizo then disappears into the shadows of the trees, dashing from treetop to treetop. But he watches over his lord down below, gradually shrinking into a red dot as every stride he takes furthers the distance between them.

 

* * *

 

The young kunoichi, spotting an opening, darts behind her opponent’s legs. With a swift strike of her dulled kunai, she hits him on the kneecap. He topples backwards.

“Nice work!”

“Finish before he gets the chance to strike back!”

Taking the cue from her instructor, the girl clumsily stumbles over her sparring partner and hesitantly holds the practice weapon to his throat. The other students erupt in cheers.

“Everyone, keep it together. The exercise isn’t over yet!” Kagero orders at the group.

She adjusts her stool so that she faces the two in the center of the sparring ring, “Mari, you did pretty well taking down Haru from one of his weak points. But next time, you need to immediately restrain your opponent. Haru still had use of his hands and could have knocked you to the ground too. And Haru, you should have taken advantage of your position to overthrow your partner.”

Saizo offers his own advice, “Striking the kneecaps isn’t always effective. Your opponent might have them protected. It’s better to cut towards their hamstring.”

The two students nod and the next group of sparring partners steps into the ring. Still recovering, Kagero shouts orders from the wicker stool she brought from her quarters. Saizo and his brother, who continues to fill in for the other instructor, offer their own commentary and demonstrate different ways of attacking their opponent. The female students in attendance excitedly trail Kaze as he darts across the sparring circle and cheer whenever he lands a blow on his twin, despite their instructors’ orders to quiet down. Kagero swears that the girls today reacted more enthusiastically to seeing their substitute instructor than when they saw her for the first time after her injury.

“Okay everyone, good work today! Make sure to keep practicing close-distance combat with each other until we meet again in two days!” Kaze shouts to the recruits, who bow towards their teachers. Kagero picks up her stool and walks towards him.

“Thank you again for your help today.”

“Of course. I’m happy to continue filling in while you recover.”

She cocks her chin towards the cluster of kunoichi marching towards them. “I think they’re happy that you’re substituting too.” Kaze’s mouth drops as he is swarmed with requests for private tutoring sessions and offers to bring him lunch and sweets. Kagero discretely slips away from the giggling gaggle. Offering her old friend a reassuring nod, he anxiously returns it.

Spotting the red-headed ninja on the outskirts, loosening and adjusting the ties on his gauntlets, Kagero approaches him, stool tucked neatly under her shoulder.

“Saizo.” He doesn’t look up. “We should talk about the next few sessions. I was thinking about having the students practice fighting in the forest, so they can apply their stealth and combat skills. Or I was thinking of running a two-on-two combat exercise so they can practice their ability to work in groups.”

“That sounds fine,” Saizo responds coolly.

Her brow narrows, “So you don’t have any objection to either idea?”

“No. Do what you like.”

“…You don’t have any opinion about whether the recruits will benefit more from studying combat alongside stealth or teambuilding exercises first? You don’t think that favoring one type of exercise could be detrimental?” She blinks.

“I said it the first time. I don’t have an opinion.”

Without acknowledging his partner, Saizo begins to walk away from the training courtyard. Finding his back towards her, Kagero takes the moment to sneak past him and meet him at the short set of stairs leading to the castle entrance. He attempts to step around her, but she deftly mirrors his movements, engaging his steely glare.

“ _What_ are you doing.” Frustration cracks through her best efforts to keep a steady tone, “I can’t plan this by myself. We were assigned to teach these recruits _together_.”

“I’d rather discuss this later,” Saizo takes a step back as she breaches the distance.

“Where’s the time for that, Saizo? We have our next lesson in two days.”

“I told you before, I don’t have a preference,” his tone becomes more acerbic, “I don’t care what the recruits do. You’re a capable kunoichi, decide for yourself. Ask Kaze.”

Kagero bites down on the inside of her cheek. “Kaze is just substituting for me. But these are not _his_ students. These are _my_ students, these are _your_ students, and it is _our_ responsibility to train them.”

He glares at her, voice rising, “Kagero _,_ I’m _not_ in the mood to discuss this right now. I have other duties to attend to. I’ll find you later _._ ”

“Okay, Saizo. Then when _are_ you able to talk with me?” She returns his glare, “You haven’t seen me after my accident since-” Kagero’s voice catches, “Y-you haven’t seen me since I was in the infirmary. Kaze has been the one who has been keeping me up to date about the recruits, not _you_ , when it should have been your responsibility. Why are you acting like this now?”

The red-headed ninja steps backwards again. Spinning on his heel, he manages to maneuver past Kagero. Angrily, she turns around and claps her hand on his shoulder.

“Why are you acting like this in front of our students?” she hisses in his ear, and Saizo glances up from her hand on his shoulder to find all the novices, including the group clustered around Kaze, watching them. “Stop behaving like a petulant child and more like the retainer to the High Prince.”

His eyes widen before they narrow sharply. “Don’t you _dare_ bring Lord Ryoma into this. Or my duty _._ ” He jerks his shoulder away from his partner’s hand and stomps towards the entrance back into the castle.

“I will find you later. I _promise_ ,” Saizo adds mockingly before he vanishes.

Anger roiling inside of her stomach, Kagero bites down harder on her cheek. She turns back to her students, who shamefully avoid eye contact or pretend to be getting ready to leave. She catches Kaze, brow creased in concern, staring back at her.

Kagero bows her head and quickly looks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter title is a reference to a lyric in ["The Mayfly and the Light"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrpqfhnFOSY) by Breakbot! This song is so incredibly applicable to one of the ships featured in this fic, but I thought this lyric from it nicely complemented all three scenes in this chapter.
> 
> I can't believe that I am (basically) at the halfway point with this chapter! As the last chapter inferred with Kagero's injury, everything in the story is falling into place now and it's going to be downhill from here!
> 
> As I wrote last month, I am posting this chapter a little later than my normal schedule because I was very busy this month. Since I'm working on cosplay plans right now, the next few chapters will come out a little slower than normal until mid-August. Feel free to catch me on Twitter @petitforce if you want any updates on that!


	8. I Keep on Waiting for the Day You Decide to Turn Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the calm before the storm, Kagero and Saizo take some needed time to evaluate where they've been and where they should go. Kagero reflects on her relationship to a dear friend. Saizo (finally) decides on whether he'll accept his liege's invitation.

     The chimes hanging in the doorway tinkle as Orochi slides open the screen. Her eyes light up.

     “Kagero! Hello! I’m surprised to see you here. I was expecting Lady Mikoto later this afternoon, but it should be fine if you-“

     “I can’t stand him.” The kunoichi cuts through.

     “…Well, I suppose I’ll put that kettle of tea on now.”

     She scuttles over to the filled kettle on the brazier, lighting it with the wave of a diviner’s card. Kagero slumps on the floor next to her table and grunts, fumbling to pick away the ties on her gauntlets.

     “So what has your old paramour done lately-”

     “I don’t know why he’s been acting like this ever since my accident,” she hisses, using her fingernails to undo a gnarled knot, “Every time I try to talk to him about our duties he has the audacity to brush me off! His partner! Does he not realize that we still have to work together and at least pretend to get along?”

     Orochi joins her at the table, “Have you tried yelling at him? Remind him that you have claws of your own?”

     “No, but it seems like nothing I do will get through that thick head of his. Not that I have any idea what’s going on inside of it.” Kagero chuckles bitterly, “You know, I thought he still _liked_ me after my injury. He even tried to come on to me while I was in the infirmary, and then he panicked and now it’s just so strange between us.”

     The other woman frowns.

     “…Do you still love him?” Her quiet tone is almost overpowered by the roiling of the water behind her.

     Kagero pauses. “I, I don’t know. Especially now with how he’s been treating me. He doesn’t make me feel particularly loved back.”

     Orochi rises from the table and tends the hissing kettle, back faced towards her friend.

     “He won’t even look at me anymore, as if the very sight of me will repulse him or make him lose his ability to control his emotions. He is just so _childish_ , I’m just starting to doubt why we even dated.”

     Steam spews from the kettle spout.

     “But I keep returning to when Saizo visited me in the infirmary, and I wonder if there’s something there he’s too nervous to acknowledge. And then I question why I ever broke up with him in the first place. If, if I knew things were going to be this awkward for the both of us, I don’t know if I would have ever done it.”

     Kagero frowns. “Every time that I see him, that old wound reopens. Just to remember our years and good memories together, but to also know that we can never be together-“

     “Will you just _stop it_ with this Saizo crap?” Orochi jerks away from the screeching kettle, red-faced.

     “I am so _sick_ of hearing about him. He is just not worth your energy, Kagero, and I can’t wait for the day when the realization hits you!”

     Brow furrowing, Kagero responds sternly, “This is a lot for me to deal with, Orochi. I can’t talk about my personal affairs with Lord Ryoma, even though this directly affects my work for him. You’re my best friend, you’re the only person I can talk to about this, why are you being so-”

     “So am I just a friend to you when you’re having a personal crisis, when that _asshole_ of an ex-boyfriend can’t comfort you anymore? And when this is all over and done, will you only call on me when you’re in the right mood? Or will you go back to ignoring me like you have for the past four years?”

     Kagero flinches away from Orochi’s tear-rimmed eyes.

     “If you’re looking for advice, Kagero, I will tell you this. You have been _so obsessed_ with mending your relationship with your former lover, who doesn’t sound like he _loves_ you anymore, that you’ve barely taken interest in the lives of those around you. Especially your best friend.

     These last few months, you’ve barely asked me how I have been doing or what I have been up to. You have been _that_ self-absorbed,” she lifts the steaming kettle off the snuffed brazier, “Look. If you want someone to work out your relationship troubles with, you should write your mother a letter. Or you could find a priest. Or maybe some other friends! I'm sorry, I just can’t carry all of your problems for you.”

     Head bowed and a lump rising in her throat, she hears Orochi slam two glasses on the table and pour the boiling water. Reluctantly, she reaches forward and cups the warmed ceramic in her hands, bringing it to her chest.

     “O-Orochi. I am so sorry. I should have not treated you this way lately, and I shouldn’t have brushed you off for all of those years…I was a poor friend.”

     She takes a sip of the tea. Its sweetness mellows the lump in her throat.

     “It makes me kind of a hypocrite, doesn’t it? To complain about Saizo ignoring me these last few weeks when I haven’t been a supportive friend to you for even longer?” Kagero says soberly. “You didn’t deserve to be treated this way, especially since you have been my best friend for most of my life. You supported me for all these years, and I should support you all the same.”

     Kagero scoots across to the other side of the table. She suddenly wraps her arms around Orochi’s shoulders, burying her chin in the crook of her neck. “Orochi, I will always treasure you and our friendship.”

     Orochi’s hand wavers at first. Then she slowly reaches up to touch the other woman’s arm. “Kagero. Thank you. I should apologize as well. I’m sorry for snapping at you like that.

     “I… shouldn’t have said that about you not caring about the people around you. That was a real low blow and completely undeserved. And I shouldn’t have said that Saizo doesn’t love you anymore. I may have been graced with clairvoyant abilities, but I can’t read people’s minds and I certainly can’t tell what he thinks about you. He’s a difficult one to understand. But I think you should talk to him, for both of your sakes.”

     “I think that was warranted though, about me not paying enough attention to the people around me. I should have shown more interest in your own life and your problems than just getting stuck in my head with mine. It’s improper for a ninja to be so self-absorbed anyways.” (Orochi chuckles.) “I think I will do that, find some way to confront Saizo and talk honestly. We need some sort of closure for this. And Orochi, I promise to spend more time with you, even in fairer weather.”

     Orochi turns around and hugs her friend, tucking her head underneath her chin. Her arms are soft and warm against Kagero’s own. “Thank you Kagero… I’ve missed you,” she sighs, “I admit that I’ve been kind of sad these last few years, not getting as much Kagero time as I used to. I envied Saizo for that.”

     “Mmm. Well, I promise that I will keep you close in my own life, no matter what. We can’t see each other as much as when we both served Lady Mikoto, but I will try my best.” Kagero tilts her head towards her, “We have a lot of catching up to do for all of these years… so can you help fill me in?”

 

* * *

 

     From his doorframe, Saizo peeks out into the hallway. His eyes dart back and forth and he cautiously closes the door. Inside of his quarters, he slides the screen windows open and scans the row of rooftiles to find, to his relief, that no spies or other nefarious characters are present.

     Satisfied after his search, Saizo peels off the gauntlets, guards, and most cautiously, his mask. Left in just his tunic and leggings, his legs struggle to adjust to the zazen position. Some of the other villagers in Igasato meditated, praising its powers of enhancing their focus. As a boy, he and his brother attempted to cross their legs in the same position, falling backwards onto the tatami mats and laughing, but their father discouraged the practice. Saizo the Fourth said that ninja, especially those training to guard the royal family, did not have the luxury to sit defenseless, alone with their thoughts.

     But having still not decided on his liege’s invitation, Saizo the Fifth makes the unusual decision to skip training on his afternoon off and try meditating. At least he can assure the memory of his late father that he has thoroughly checked the vicinity for any enemies. He puts his kunai to the side, just in case.

     Legs finally adjusted, he closes his left eye. The world is dark, peaceful. Saizo has no difficulty in staying perfectly still. After all, as a ninja, he can hide in almost any position, no matter how constraining, for hours. Within minutes, flickers and sparks of thoughts flash through the darkness.

_How long have I been sitting here?... How long am I supposed to stay?_

_My patrolling shift is in several hours. Ugh. I hope that Kanosuke won’t be on the same one. He is a fool, completely incompetent._

_How am I going to improve the recruits’ combat abilities? They are not as strong as they should be after these many months of training. How disappointing._

     He reigns the thoughts in, face twisting in discomfort.

     Silence again.

     His mind drifts off to the itinerary of the upcoming surveillance mission he has accepted in Kagero’s place- and Saizo uselessly tries to fight it off. He tries to bat away at new urges, but it is useless, like a hand cutting through plumes of smoke. Face reddening, he wants to yell in frustration before he remembers the advice he received from Lord Ryoma several months ago:

_When I meditate, I do not try to fight any emotion of thought that rises… I let it sit with me and watch it fade away on its own._

     Saizo nods in understanding, as if his liege is currently standing by his side. With a newfound sense of purpose, he readjusts his crossed legs and corrects his slumped back. His eye closes and he waits. The flickers of thoughts return, but he observes them like the villagers strolling through the forest on one of his missions: ultimately unimportant but still worth to keep an eye on their actions.

     And eventually, as his mind is wont to do lately, his thoughts return to the High Prince, bursting in the darkness. Saizo sits with his memories.

     From a young age, he knew that he would dedicate his life to serving the royal family. He accepted the terms of his heirship with little questioning or doubt, even though it was by mere chance that he _was_ Saizo and not his brother. After all, their mother said that Kaze mercifully followed him almost immediately after the first twin’s birth. And in their life following, Kaze always trailed after his elder brother as he tried on the role of Saizo like his first training uniform, red and emblazoned with the Igasato crest.

     The prince wore red as well upon their first meeting. At the age of eight, Ryoma was a full head taller than Saizo the Fourth’s sons. He beamed energetically at Saizo and Kaze, bouncing on the balls of his feet, excited to meet children closer to his own age. More boyish than princelike. The Fourth introduced the prince to his twin sons and urged the Fifth to introduce himself to the royal family.

     Saizo carefully replicated the bow his parents had him rehearse for a week. “Greetings, Ryoma. I am Saizo the Fifth. It is an honor to meet you.”

     His father’s face bruised a bright red and he immediately reprimanded his son for addressing the High Prince so informally. It is _Lord_ Ryoma, he roared. It has been the privilege of four generations of Saizos to serve the royal family, he and his ancestors will be _damned_ for Saizo the Fifth to ever disrespect them again.

     Lord Ryoma’s eyes widened in fear. Kaze quietly apologizes, even though he has said or done nothing until this point (but perhaps it was a childish act to share his brother’s shame). Saizo hung his head, apologizing and swearing that he would never do it again. A Saizo was a pillar of strength for the royal family, his village, and his family to lean on, but the six-year-old’s lip still quavered, and he rubbed his nose with the back of his hand.

     He leant into the role more confidently and adeptly between his and Kaze’s yearly visits to Shirasagi. Saizo only saw Lord Ryoma a handful of times during his summers training with the Shirasagi recruits under the master ninja of the castle. This too, was where the brothers first met Kagero. The three of them shared a quiet bond as they were several years younger than most of the trainees but already surpassed them in ability. Whenever the prince saw Saizo in between their lessons, his energy almost knocked the boy over. Lord Ryoma asked questions about what it was like to be a ninja and gushed about how cool it would be for Saizo the Fifth to be his retainer just like the Fourth guarded his own father. He tried to imitate the kicks and punches he saw the young recruits do when he snuck out of his tutoring. Saizo was tempted to join in the other boy’s enthusiasm, but he remembered his place and gave calm answers and restrained compliments.

     Soon enough, the prince started shooting up in height and Saizo, as if to not abandon his future liege, followed as well. He started to notice the attractiveness of a few of his female and male peers as he trained and did minor missions with them, but he did nothing to pursue it. Kaze bore most of the brunt of female admirers. Saizo just rolled his eyes or gave his brother a shit-eating grin whenever a swarm of girls stampeded him. Noticing that a few young kunoichi in Shirasagi and Igasato flitted their eyelashes or smiled shyly at him, Saizo began wearing a mask. As a future protector of the royal family, he didn’t need that distraction in the way.

     Saizo concentrated instead on training to succeed his father’s role. King Sumeragi’s assassination quickly forced the young ninja to reckon with the danger of his position and the mortality of the royal family, who he had once believed so untouchable.

     The assassination had a similarly sobering effect on Lord Ryoma. It was as if after King Sumeragi’s funeral, he seemed to completely grasp the role he was born into succeeding. He grew from a rowdy, energetic child into a composed, brilliant fighter. A paradox of a young man: capable of defeating any foe but vulnerable to attack by the new enemies of Hoshido. On his drills guarding the royal family with his teachers, Saizo caught himself staring too long at the teenager, who grew a long mane of hair and developed lean muscles.

     While continuing to observe his memories, Saizo realizes he has always had eyes for Lord Ryoma. This charismatic, kind teenager who, no longer bounded over, but greeted a younger Saizo with a friendly nod and smile in the castle hallways. (His ninja peers and superiors barely even acknowledged his presence.)

     He only had eyes as well for becoming his retainer, just as his father had served the former king. The happiest moment in what had been fourteen years of life was the day Lord Ryoma personally requested his protection. Saizo lifted his head throughout the ceremony at the royal family’s temple and rose to meet his new liege. When the High Prince presented the newly-blessed kunai to him, the red of both of their robes reflected on their surface. He wanted to press the kunai against his heart in gratitude. For the gift of fulfilling his sense of purpose, for choosing _him_ to stay at his side.

     Saizo realizes mid-meditation that he, in a sense, still idolizes his liege. He makes the excuse though that it is not unusual for a retainer, especially one training from childhood to assume the role, to do so.

     Cracks broke through the idealized image he held of Lord Ryoma the more time he served him. On guard duty, Saizo caught through the slit of the screen door the young High Prince passed out at his desk or furiously crumpling reports and minutes and balling them underneath his desk, swearing under his breath. He overheard the prince’s arguments with his younger siblings. Occasionally one of them, typically Lord Takumi, would leave in tears, and Lord Ryoma would see them off with a furrowed brow or mournful, quivering frown. He witnessed his (usually convincing) attempts to twist his weary face into a smile the moment Lady Mikoto arrived in his chambers. 

     Catching glimpses of the prince’s more human side may have grounded Saizo’s vision of him, but it also piqued his curiosity. Maybe it was the nature of his work, to investigate every possible angle and entrance of a fortress, compile as much information about his target to create a complete dossier. Maybe he just related to his liege; as the heirs of their families, they had to carry the weight of their future titles and their families with them. Or could it just be the simple desire for Lord Ryoma to turn around and stare back at him. To open the screen door himself and sit beside him. To be closer to him.

     Lord Ryoma’s words expressing a similar sentiment echo back to Saizo. A familiar warmth rises through his abdomen to his chest while doubt tugs at his mind. He invites the latter emotion, the more familiar of the two, to sit with him in meditation.

     Surely, his liege must have meant it in a personable sense, an effort to get to know his servants better. Doubt, in its ragged voice, berates Saizo. How foolish could he have been to think his Lord’s invitation, his charisma, and charm was something more. Wasn’t he taught that it is perfectly natural for a liege and his retainers to mutually respect one another? Retainers admire their lieges for their guidance and willingness to provide for their subjects. Lieges admire their retainers for their skills in battle and warfare and willingness to protect them at any cost. A perfectly reciprocal contract.

     Saizo knows that it is his duty to stay with Lord Ryoma until one of them dies. His liege gave him the gift of the blessed kunai, and in turn, he will give him the gift of his life if the situation arises. He knows that he must do unscrupulous tasks in the darkness of the night, isolated private quarters, and hidden trapdoors and passageways for the sake of his lord (even when his own hands shake in the act). To be the future king’s retainer is to be his shadow, to always trail him but not block his radiance.

     Yet this is not enough.

     The second emotion joins Saizo at his left side, burning slow and deep like coals stoked in a brazier. He finds himself wanting something more than being his lord’s retainer, the greatest gift of his life. Stalking and watching from the shadows may be comforting but Saizo sees a great reward (and risk) at joining the other man at his side.

     It is simply because of his caring nature, his odd but touching insistence in getting to know his retainers better. His unwavering trust. The confident way in which he carries himself. His impatience, quick temper. The softness of his grey eyes somehow complementing the sharpness of his jaw. He feels the phantom sensation of it against his fingers.

     How he’d like to hold his face again.

     How badly has it tempted him to guide the other man to rest at his futon whenever he has caught him falling asleep at his reading? To praise him for acting as a pillar of strength to support his loved ones (and would Saizo be directing this towards himself too)? To comfort him, to hold him, to perhaps express his feelings in even stronger ways?

     Can, or perhaps the better question, _should_ he share this warmth with Lord Ryoma? Is this something he would welcome? Or in the case this ended poorly, could this cost him his position? His title?

     Dread presses heavily on Saizo as even worse outcomes present themselves, but he cannot imagine Lord Ryoma retaliating cruelly against his retainers.

     Saizo sits with these thoughts for a while as doubt and desire, as he now acknowledges the second emotion for its true self, argue with one another. He turns his thoughts over, examines their different sides, no longer actively meditating. Gradually, doubt and desire crackle into embers, and the darkness returns.

     Saizo opens his good eye to the fading light of early evening.

     Rather than unfold his legs, he remains seated in zazen, content that he will now be able to give his liege an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the hardest things about writing this chapter was coming up with a title! Like the last chapter, this one also takes a lyric from Breakbot's ["The Mayfly and the Light"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrpqfhnFOSY). It's just such a sublimely perfect Kagerochi song that I can't help but title two chapters with its lyrics.
> 
> It's nice to be writing again! I was in cosplay hell all throughout July, but I did get to write the first scene before I went to the convention! From here on out it's going to be smooth sailing writing- some of the chapters are going to be shorter so I hope to get those up in a decent schedule. 
> 
> But story-wise, it's like the boulder that's been rolling up the hill is finally going to release all that momentum and come barreling down. I am *very* excited about what's coming next!


	9. I am a Man with a Heart that Offends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saizo relays his decision to Ryoma and everything falls into and out of place.

     Towards the end of his guard shift, Saizo lightly taps on the screen doors outside of his liege’s chamber.

     "Lord Ryoma.”

     “Ah, Saizo. Please, come in.”

     He complies. Lord Ryoma sits on the floor at his table, reading through intelligence notes. With a small smile, he sets the scroll aside and motions his retainer over.

     “What is it that you need, Saizo? Please, come sit with me.”

     Saizo coughs and looks down. “I’m afraid I won’t, Milord. This will only take a few minutes.” He pauses, adjusting his feet. “It is about the banquet. I have been thinking it over for the last few days.

     “Milord. I am honored by your invitation, to be asked to attend such an important event as your guest. I would enjoy spending the evening with you and the royal family. But I am sorry, Lord Ryoma. I cannot come to the banquet. I must decline your invitation.”

     He catches Lord Ryoma’s mouth parting and continues before his liege can interject.

     “We shinobi are… unaccustomed to being active participants in the public sphere. The noble families and everyone else attending the banquet will also be aware of this fact. I believe my presence will only allow others to make comments about you and the royal family… and there is the matter of my clan’s more recent history with the late king. Your father.”

     The prince sighs and nods. “While I said before that I do not care what anyone there will have to say about either of us or our families, I understand your reasons, Saizo.”

     Lifting his head, he gives his retainer a crestfallen smile. A pang of guilt aches in Saizo’s stomach, but he fights the urge to look away. Lord Ryoma deserves his full face for the remainder of this. He coughs.

     “Milord. There is another matter I must bring up, one with graver implications. It is another reason why I must decline your invitation.”

     “…What are you talking about?”

     Saizo closes his good eye. His tone is measured, rehearsed: “Recently, I have felt… sentiments about Milord that are unbecoming of my station. Especially as one trusted to protect the future ruler of the kingdom,” he pauses, “I apologize that I must share this information with you. However, I feel you deserve to know this.

     “My loyalty and admiration have never wavered since the moment you chose me as your retainer. But now, I am ashamed that I have lost my control of these feelings… they’ve become something much stronger. It is inappropriate for one to feel this way about his liege, especially a ninja, and I have failed you for that. I cannot go with you to the harvest banquet; I would make coming as your,” he winces at the word, “ _companion_ as something different than what Milord intends.”

     Lord Ryoma frowns and his eyebrows knit together, but Saizo knows he must continue. He stands firmly and speaks resolutely, as if any outward sign of hesitation will topple him to the ground.

     “This is why it is too dangerous for me to continue guarding your life, Lord Ryoma. I have selfishly let my attachment grow into something much larger than it should be. It will undoubtedly affect my ability to keep us both alive… I was greedy. I am ashamed of my conduct both as a shinobi and the heir to the name of Saizo.”

     Suddenly, he prostrates himself in front of the High Prince. “Lord Ryoma, I hope that you will grant me one last kindness by accepting my resignation as your retainer. As a Saizo, I will continue to serve your family for the rest of my life, as four generations have done before myself, should the royal family permit it.” A slight croak regretfully slips through his steadied voice, “It was the highest honor of my life to have served as your retainer… but I feel as if I have tarnished the position. I hope I have not brought shame upon you for sharing it. I hope in the future, I can restore some honor to my family’s name.”

     Saizo stiffly stands back up while trying to avoid direct eye contact with the prince. He bows again.

     “Thank you, Lord Ryoma. I will be outside for the rest of my shift, if you so request.” He lifts his head, for both of their sakes, as he turns to leave. But as he reaches for the fusuma screen, a static shock stings his hand.

     Lord Ryoma grasping his hands after his father passed away, the universe slowly reordering itself.

     His own hand reaching for Kagero’s to jolt her awake, to ignite the fire.

     Saizo turns around to find Lord Ryoma standing next to him. Face mournful, mouth agape, his hand grabbing Saizo’s own, pulling him back into the chambers. His eyes beg: “Wait.”

     “Saizo… where are you going? W-what the hell are you doing? I-I can’t image why you think I would ever want to dismiss you, let alone be _repulsed_ by you? Never want to set sights on you again? I-” Lord Ryoma sighs shakily, “Please, come back. I think we should talk about this… Let’s sit down.”

     So eloquent in his rehearsed speech before, Saizo can only nod in affirmation, the strong, warm grip on his hand sapping all rational thought from his brain. Following his liege’s direction, they sit in front of the table, facing one another. Lord Ryoma buries his head in his cupped hands and grumbles that he never thought this could happen.

     “Saizo…both of your announcements, shocked me. I would be saddened, even heartbroken, if you were to ever leave my service.”

     Regrettably unable to control the flush rising over his mask, Saizo says, “My-Milord, I apologize for startling you. But, but I am afraid that I must disagree with you, you would be better off if I left. My attachments are unsuitable for the retainer of the High Prince. And understandably, these _emotions_ are not shared by-”

     “ _Saizo._ ” Lord Ryoma cuts him off, face similarly red. He lets out an impatient breath and claps his hand against his forehead. “Saizo, I’m sorry. But please. Just wait and listen. I should be honest with you as well.”

     The prince removes his hand and stares directly at his retainer. Saizo’s pulse races with every motion.

     “What if I told you that your feelings are not as one-sided as you believe?”

     Both of Saizo’s eyes widen. He ekes out a “P-pardon, Milord?” that sounds harsher than intended. But Lord Ryoma’s mouth curls into a slight smile and he glances to the side.

     “When I was listening to your confession…I realized we both share the same feelings. I must admit that I have been admiring you from afar for a while, but more recently, it has become something stronger,” he bashfully rubs the back of his head, “I should also confess that I inferred from Kagero that you both had not gotten back together, and I thought that if we spent some more time together, we could get to know one another better and see if anything would come of it. I thought that asking you to the harvest banquet could be the start of it.

     But I didn’t anticipate finding out the answer so quickly, you already beat me to the chase,” he chuckles, “…Maybe I should have been more upfront with my intentions when I invited you.”

     Saizo is sure that his heart will immediately combust.

     He coughs. “L-L-Lord Ryoma. I think I can understand your reasoning. You could not have anticipated how I would have reacted to such an invitation.” He bows his head. “I apologize for attempting to resign earlier. I still want to be your retainer, if you will still accept my service.”

     Lord Ryoma sighs, relieved. “Of course, Saizo.” He smiles, “Well, now that we have both been honest in all of this, maybe it’s time to ask you a more direct question... will you allow me to court you? It won’t be a traditional courtship, while you are still my retainer, but we can share meals, take walks, go to the occasional event together, write each other letters, and just enjoy the time together… How would you like that?”

     Saizo doesn’t, _can’t_ respond at first, his tongue dried, leaden, trying to make sense of it all. The High Prince hasn’t scorned him for sharing his affections. The High Prince _shares_ his affections. The High Prince has asked him, his retainer, his _subordinate_ , for _his_ permission to court him? The High Prince has already been thinking about date ideas, with _him_??

     He stutters, “My, My Liege. Won’t this be complicated if I continue to guard you while I am your, your lover- no, uh, your suitor-” his face reddens as his speech grows increasingly flustered, “ _No_. It is not as if I doubt my loyalty towards you, or my ability to protect you, but we cannot deny it will be different if we are to be involved _intimately_ -”

     He waves his hands helplessly, “L-Lord Ryoma! I am so sorry- but, but, but I feel that I must also say that we have certain, _duties_ , to our families’ lines and, we both are lacking in the uh, _abilities_ , to provide the other with an heir…”

     Saizo halts, horrified at the shame he has managed to cast onto all previous and future generations of his line in just several blubbering minutes. The prince cracks up laughing, which only worsens his retainer’s flush.

     “I’m sorry Saizo, it’s just so,” he chuckles underneath his hand, poorly concealing a smile, “I don’t mean it badly, but there is something that’s so _endearing_ about you when you get flustered.” Saizo is sure that he will die immediately.

     “It’s not as if I’ve asked you for your hand in marriage. I don’t think that we should worry about that for some time.” It is Lord Ryoma’s turn to blush now.

     “I think, for now, it will be best for both of us to keep this courtship private. This is a politically unstable time and,” he frowns, “the Hoshidan nobles do enjoy gossiping. It’s best not to not reveal anything that could come around to Nohr or their allies. And I’m sure that you don’t want this to be talked about as much as I do.”

     “I-I agree, Milord.”

     “But as for you continuing to serve as my retainer while we are involved, I must agree with you that things won’t be the same as they were before,” his eyes soften, “I can imagine that you fear that this relationship could endanger the both of us, and I appreciate your concern.

     “But Saizo, you should know that I am also confident in your abilities. After all, you and your partner were in a relationship while you served as my retainers and you both performed just as well. You didn’t let your personal life control your duties,” (Saizo frowns) “You and I don’t know each other all that well at this point, but I know that you are a man who is rational in his passion. If we are ever in a situation in which both our lives are endangered, I know that you will find a way to save both of our lives.”

     Lord Ryoma smiles. “I trust you.” A lightness and heat rise in Saizo’s chest. He sits with the warmth, mulling over his liege’s words, the idea of sharing his company.

     “Lord Ryoma, thank you… I’ve known that I would always spend the rest of my life with you, but I never imagined it would turn into anything like this.” He pauses, “But I like this new direction… I want to be at your side. I don’t think that there is anything that would make me happier.”

     The other man beams.

     “If it’s not out of turn, it, it would be an honor to be yours, Lord Ryoma.”

     And suddenly, Lord Ryoma breaches the space between them to embrace Saizo. His heart swells in the heat of the other man. Lord Ryoma cranes his head towards his own, but only to place his lips by his ear. He whispers, “It would be an honor to be yours, Saizo the Fifth. And please, _just_ Ryoma is fine when we are by ourselves.”

_Ryoma_.  _Ryoma_.

     Saizo silently rolls his title-ness name around his tongue. It is unwieldy, cumbersome. But he will hold it close to his heart, chant it to himself like a mantra, repeat it until it is organic.

     The two continue to hold each other in reverent silence. Saizo removes his head from Ryoma’s shoulder to remove his gloves and the gauntlets on his arms. “My Liege-” he stumbles on his name, “Ryo- _Ryoma_. Ryoma. I don’t know how naturally I can act the part of your… companion. Yet. But I want to try to bridge the distance between us, somewhat, tonight.” As he reaches up for his mask, the other man gently takes his hand into his own.

     “May I?” he asks quietly. Heart racing, Saizo can only eke out an affirmation.

     Ryoma’s fingers reach for the fabric of his mask, carefully slipping his fingers underneath the top to slip it down. Goosebumps rise up Saizo’s arms as the cool night air hits his exposed face. The prince gasps softly and his lips part. Ryoma’s hands linger on Saizo’s face, tracing his jawline.

     “You are _terribly_ handsome,” he whispers before he moves to kiss Saizo on the mouth.

     Saizo lets the kiss pulsate on his mouth, alternating with his erratic heartbeat. He reaches to cup his own fingers around Ryoma’s face, who nuzzles and presses his lips against one of his hands. He shivers, but it is a pleasant sensation. Saizo’s hands reach for the back of Ryoma’s head, kissing him slowly. They pull each other into a tight, clinging embrace, kisses deepening. His fingers sink into Ryoma’s hair as he brings their heads closer.

     Meanwhile, just outside of the screen doors seemingly concealing them, Kagero arrives early for her guard shift. But to her surprise, Saizo is not outside of Lord Ryoma’s room as scheduled. Her hand slowly hovers over the top of the kunai against her hip. Quietly slinking through the halls, she finds no sign of her partner nor any other servant. Steadying her breath, she turns towards her liege’s chambers.

     Hand still perched on her knife, Kagero cautiously opens the fusuma. She catches a glimpse of two figures on the ground, the flickers of lanterns in the darkened room revealing little of their identities. She pulls out her kunai and stalks forward. Her breath hitches once she recognizes the shapes of her former lover and their liege, intertwined.

     She clamps her hand on her mouth and quickly, discretely closes the door so as to not humiliate all three of them. Kagero lowers her shaking hand and stands against the wall, allowing its rigidity hold her up. She bites down on her bottom lip to control the trembling and wipes the snot dribbling from her nose with a hand.

     The trapdoor inside of Lord Ryoma’s chambers closes five minutes later. Kagero finds a grim solace in its echoes. She stands vigilantly outside of the High Prince’s chambers, grateful she hasn’t backed down on her duties to her liege and that no one will have to witness her shame tonight.

 

* * *

 

     “ _Saizo_.”

     He turns away from the practice dummy to see his partner marching across the castle courtyard.

     “We need to talk.” There is an unnerving dissonance between the acidity of her voice and the stoniness of her face. “What _happened_ to our promise.”

     Saizo throws a shuriken into the dummy’s head.

     Ignoring his silence, Kagero moves to his side, “We promised when we broke up that we would both devote ourselves to protecting Lord Ryoma over fixating on our relationship.”

     “Do you doubt my capabilities as a retainer?” He quickly glares at her, “I am as devoted to our liege now more than ever, and if you have any doubts about Lord Ryoma’s security, maybe you should focus on what _you_ can improve on.” The corner of her lip twitches.

     “Saizo. I do not doubt your physical prowess, but rather your conduct when you are guarding our lord.” He stiffens.

     “Kagero. What do you mean.”

     “You know _exactly_ what I am saying.”

     “I do not. And I refuse to play your guessing game. I’m busy.” He walks over to pluck out the kunai and shuriken out of the dummy. Kagero breaks her stoic expression and scrunches her reddening nose.

     “The other night. I saw you and Lord Ryoma in a position that far transgresses the appropriate relationship between a retainer and his liege, especially one who will assume the throne.”

     Saizo freezes. “I thought I heard someone sliding a door closed the other night,” he grumbles. Ashen-faced, he turns towards her. “Kagero, I can explain what-“

     “What is there to explain, Saizo? We both know exactly what happened that night,” anger and exasperation rising in her voice, “But how _dare_ you. How dare you back down on our oath and how _dare_ you let your personal feelings, your, _your libido_ interfere with your ability to protect our lord? How can you reconcile protecting someone of his status while making out with him? Do you expect me to stand guard over you while you do that?"

     “ _Keep it down_ ,” Saizo shushes her, wary of the curious eyes of the castle soldiers and servants in the courtyard trained on them. “Don’t make a scene.”

     His warning is futile. “Do you know how much of a sacrifice it was for me to end this relationship?”

     Saizo grinds his teeth and tries to keep a measured tone, “Kagero. Stop assuming what I felt. You aren’t the only one who this was painful for. This _hurt_ me too. Don’t act like you’re the only one who had to make sacrifices.”

     Kagero snorts. “What great sacrifices have you had to make in all of this, _Saizo the Fifth_?” She mocks him, “You don’t seem to be suffering to me! Not too long after we broke up, you’ve already trailed after somebody else! Why not our liege!”

     “Please, Kagero, it’s been _four months_.”

     “It doesn’t matter, Saizo. You could have made a better decision in that time. I decided to sacrifice our relationship so that I could better serve Lord Ryoma. All that you’re doing for him now is serve as his bed warmer.”

     Saizo loses his composure, face burning in anger.

     “Don’t you dare speak of Lord Ryoma like that _ever again_ ,” he growls. “You should reconsider your position as a retainer if you go around mocking your liege.” She steps backwards to regain her footing as he leers over her. “I don’t think you understand the situation, so I’ll make it clear for you. I-I’m in love, Kagero. But with him, not you this time. Not anymore.”

     A note of desperation slips in. “We’ve been done for some time now. There is no turning back for us. But _please_ , Kagero, let me go and find my happiness now because you never let either of us have it while we were together.”

     Kagero stares at the ground, face deathly pale. Regret twists Saizo’s face.

     “…I shouldn’t have said that.”

     Quietly, she announces, “I should probably leave.”

     His sobered response: "...Yes."

     Kagero makes her exit, humiliated. The lurking servants and soldiers choose to ignore them both and return to their duties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh lordy was this a chapter to write! I was so cautious about building up this emotional, angry climax that I rewrote the main scene in this chapter twice in the drafting stage. It was still sad to write the last scene, even though I've had the dialogue drafted for more than half a year.
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from the lovely, sad song ["John My Beloved"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVZUBMUekck), by Sufjan Stevens, and I snagged two adjectives from the chorus in the body of this chapter :^). I don't think I could stand it if I didn't name _at least_ one of my chapters after a Sufjan song.


	10. In Our Darkest Hours, I Stumbled Across a Secret Power

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kagero finds an old friend. Our two protagonists try on something old, something new, and something blue (but nothing borrowed).

_Schriiiiiich_.

The quick, shrill sound of the blade against the whetstone. A few sparks burst from the contact. Kagero repeats this process twice and wipes the dagger’s sharpened edge with a cloth. She lightly traces it with her finger and frowns at the sallow reflection in its surface. Methodically, she sets it on the rock next to her and begins again with a throwing kunai.

Leaves rustle and thin twigs snap in the distance. Reflexively, Kagero holds the recently-sharpened dagger against her chest and slinks towards the grove entrance. Cautiously, the intruder steps through a bamboo thicket and into the clearing. Kagero lowers her knife. Kaze nods amicably towards her and brushes off several leaves which caught a ride on his tunic. She turns away from him and back to sharpening her weapons.

“Ah, Kagero. Forgive me, I hope I’m not intruding. I was just patrolling the forest.”

Kagero drags a kunai slowly across the whetstone, producing an irritatingly long screech.

“…I didn’t realize that I would run into you out here.”

“You are almost as worse of a liar as your brother is,” she grumbles. Kaze gazes down.

“Yes… that may be true, but I just wanted to check in on an old friend as well.” He crouches on the ground next to her, but she doesn’t look up from her kunai. “Ever since I started helping train the recruits, we’ve been seeing each other more frequently. Recently, I’ve noticed that you seem more… stoic than usual. Especially around our students.”

She coolly replies, “Is that so unusual in our profession? I should act as a model of proper decorum to _my_ students.”

Face perfectly blank, he responds, “No, it is not rare. But a ninja too should conceal any sign of inner turmoil. And that’s something your students will have to learn as well.”

Seething, Kagero bundles up her tools and stomps towards the grove entrance.

“Kagero, is everything alright?”

“It’s nothing that concerns you, _Kaze_.” Kagero leaps through the thicket of bamboo, bundle in tow.

Kaze sighs and trails after her, jumping through the branches of trees, crawling through bushes, and wading through a shallow creek. Knees caked in mud, she races away until she abruptly cries out in pain. She clutches the still-healing wound on her torso. Kaze shouts after her and catches up to Kagero, doubled over.

“Kagero! Are you alright?” he pants, hunched over his own legs, “Here, let’s go over here.” He gestures over to a felled tree.

“…Do you need help sitting? Do you need any extra gauze?”

“I’m fine-” Kagero wheezes, already dragging her feet over to the log. Kaze sits beside her and removes a small water flask at his hip, passing it to his blanched-faced companion. She drinks from it, coughing slightly as it goes down.

“…How are you feeling now?”

Kagero nods and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. The color slowly seeps back into her face, her breathing slowing down.

“Kagero, I’m sorry.” Frowning, Kaze plants his hands on his knees. “I’m responsible for causing you this pain. I shouldn’t have teased you like that back there.”

“Then you should leave, Kaze. I’m fine now. Don’t you have your patrolling to return to?” she asks bitterly.

“I- lied about that. I’m sorry. But I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to check on you. I can tell that you’re hurting, and it’s not just from your injury from more than a month ago.”

Kagero is tempted to fire back some scathing remark, but she collects herself, remembering the last time she didn’t control her mouth. Lips drawn in a straight line, she says soberly, “Kaze, you do not need to discuss my condition with me. As long as I can carry out my duties, my personal life shouldn’t be of any concern to my peers.”

“But Kagero… I worry that you’re going to pass out in your guarding duties or one of your training sessions. You look _exhausted_ , as if you haven’t slept in ages. And I’ve seen you around the castle grounds, training almost to the point of obsession. It especially can’t be good for you while you’re still recovering,” Kaze’s brow creases, “In all honesty, I’m worried about you.”

“It’s fine. The priestesses say that I can exert myself normally now.”

“Mmm. But the Kagero I’ve known for years wouldn’t run herself ragged. You’re holding onto something and you’re doing everything to forget it because you can’t change it otherwise… I understand that feeling.”

“Why are you so insistent on this? I don’t want to talk, Kaze.”

“I’m afraid that I must point out you haven’t stopped talking to me either, Kagero.”

She isn’t sure whether the matter-of-factness of his tone or the fact that he is telling the truth is what irritates her more.

“But it’s just that, after King Sumeragi’s- after what I saw, what I wasn’t able to-” hesitating, Kaze laughs and waves his hands dismissively, “Ah, never mind about that. But after that summit years ago, I remember how much I wanted to talk to someone about it, and everyone around me discouraged it. Even though we were all mourning for the same reason. When I saw you recently with such a lost, almost mournful, look in your eyes, I thought that you needed someone just to listen.”

A knot twists in Kagero’s stomach, regretting how little she said to her childhood friend after the incident in Cheve years ago. The adult ninja around her kept their distance from the boy, and she followed in suit. He was so much quieter, meeker afterwards.

Kaze laughs dryly. “We ninja lead lonely lives, don’t we? We alone can only relate to what we’ve been through, what we’ve seen, what we’ve had to do. But it’s ironic, really, that we’re discouraged from comforting each other.

“But I think it’s okay, for just this one afternoon, to leave these roles behind,” he pauses, “I think we’re allowed to here.”

Kagero says nothing at first, staring at the long shadows their sitting figures cast.

“…Kaze. Do you think that two people who can’t even stand to talk to one another can rebuild the trust between them?” her voice nearly a whisper.

Kaze’s brows knit together thoughtfully. “Well… I guess I would start by looking at the source of the distrust. If they find that one or both parties are at fault, they can apologize to each other and promise to resolve the issue at hand.”

“But what if an apology isn’t enough? What if they both-no, well, mostly one of them said something so horrible to the other? What if you, I mean, _they_ , aren’t entirely convinced that they deserve forgiveness?”

“Why don’t you think you’re deserving of forgiveness, Kagero?”

The question sinks down in her stomach. She gulps. “I… said some terrible things to my partner, Kaze. I think I blew my chance of ever reconciling with him,” she shakes her head, “I-I’m sorry, Kaze. I don’t think you’ll want to hear the rest of this.”

“Is it because it’s about my brother?”

“Y-yes. I’m so sorry. I understand this puts you in an awkward position. I, I won’t keep you like this out here. You can go.”

Kagero faces away from her friend, mustering the strength to control her quavering lip. She hears Kaze shuffle next to her. But to her surprise, she finds him not leaving the clearing but moving to squat right in front of her. She frowns and sniffles.

He smiles sadly, but his voice is so gentle: “Kagero, Saizo may be my brother, but you’re also one of my oldest friends. You’re important to me as well, and I can tell that you really need someone to open up to as well. You shouldn’t have to feel like you should hide anything from me that you want to share.

“I don’t always get to express it, but I’ll always be here for you.”

And suddenly, Kagero finds that she can no longer keep a stoic face. Everything she had tamped into the ground for months comes surging up like a geyser, flooding down her cheeks and nose. She lets out a few sobs, gasping for air, and weeps out her grief and anger into her hands.

Kaze gingerly, kindly places his hand on the top of her shoulder, a reassuring act but indicative of the distance between two formerly close friends. But Kagero appreciates the gesture, weakly placing her hand on top of his own. She uses her yellow scarf to dab at her eyes before blowing her nose in it.

“I’m so sorry, Kaze,” she sniffs, wiping at her eyes. “I shouldn’t have been so brusque with you earlier.”

The other ninja unravels his scarf and smiles. “No, here.” He places it in her hands. She sniffs and thanks him softly, dabbing at her eyes.

Even though they are all alone, Kagero still speaks discreetly.

“Kaze… I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m the one who broke up with Saizo but he’s the one who… he’s the one who has already moved past this. And even though I’m pretty sure I don’t love him anymore, _I’m_ the one who hasn’t moved on.” She wipes at her eyes and laughs bitterly, “I can see now why we’re discouraged from having personal relationships with other ninja. Every day, I’m still working with Saizo and it’s every day that I’m reminded of what has happened between us. It’s something I can’t seem to escape. And here I am, dealing with this by insulting him to his face.”

Her chin crumples, “You know, I think he’s the lucky one in the end, Kaze. He’s had the strength to go on with his life but I’m still living in the past.”

She cries into her scarf again.

Kaze’s brow furrows. “Mmm. That is difficult. I don’t have much-” he halts bashfully, “Well actually, no experience with having a romantic relationship so you can take or leave what I have to say. But anyways, I know we don’t really get to have normal relationships in our line of work, and I think you are dealing with some unusual circumstances on top of that.

“Most couples, when they separate, part ways. But since you are both partnering retainers, you and Saizo work with each other on a regular basis. I can see why it would be hard for the you, well the both of you, to leave your past relationship behind when you’re interacting face-to-face almost every day. Your routine hasn’t changed since you broke up.”

Kagero nods and sniffs. “Yes, it hasn’t been easy to deal with.”

“So I don’t think you should feel weak for still having this attachment,” he pauses, “We’re trained from a young age not to form any emotional connection to the people we’re ordered to kill, or protect, or work with, but I think in the end, we’re just imperfect weapons.”

They both sit quietly with his words. Kagero wipes the remaining tears around her eyes, and Kaze looks empathetically at her.

“You still care about my brother a lot, and I know he feels the same way, even though he doesn’t always show it. I don’t think that you can go back to the way things were before you dated, but even before that, you and Saizo were partners and even friends. We all were. I think with some work by all parties, you could always build a new bond based in trust and honesty around your partnership. Start new... couldn’t you?”

“I think that would be nice… I would like to work towards that. And work on some of the issues that keeps getting us in fights and disagreements, too.”

She places his scarf back in his hands. “You know, when we fought a week ago, I saw the hurt and regret in Saizo’s eyes after he snapped back at me. It was then that I realized I had gone too far as well. I regret I hadn’t exercised more self-control beforehand. I promise to myself and to him that I will work on improving our partnership in a more respectful manner.

“It’s as you said, although we don’t love each other anymore, we still care about each other despite all our disagreements. Maybe that’s why we stayed together for so long, even though our relationship seemed to work only half of the time. We loved and cared about each other so much that we wanted something to work out between us... but we couldn’t find a way.”

She wipes at her eyes and chuckles drily, “I think Saizo and I work better when we’re not trying to nitpick each other or bring up our work performance in our personal lives. I hope we can both work on that. Thank you, Kaze.”

Kaze smiles happily and Kagero returns a faint smile after blowing her nose on her scarf.

“I’m pleased to hear that. As an outsider to helping you teach, I admit it was hard to watch you both acting so hostile towards one another. I hope you can rebuild that partnership too. And in a way, hearing you speak so candidly about what you’ve had to hold back has been healing for me as well.”

“Oh, well, thank you. If you would ever like for me to return the favor… know that I would like to hear from you too.”

“Mmm… well. I’ll have to think on that, find some occasion.” He tries to smile warmly, but Kagero notices the sadness behind the gesture.

Kaze coughs. “Anyways, I know that you will be able to move on from this too. You’re already talking about how you can rebuild your trust with Saizo. Maybe… we’d all be a bit happier if we were more forward-thinking. Focus on who is present in our lives and who we want there with us when we travel on the paths ahead.”

“Mm,” she nods affirmatively, “Ever since I broke up with Saizo, I have reached out to some old friends and realized who has always been there when I was too occupied, sometimes too selfish, to notice.”

He inquisitively raises an eyebrow, “Oh really?”

“Yeah,” she smiles and absentmindedly winds her scarf back around her neck, “I’ve become more observant of who’s been keeping an eye on me, and I hope to return the favor.”

Kaze’s mouth curls into a slightly playful smile. “Ah. So you’ve noticed her making eyes at you too now, haven’t you?”

“Yeah- Wait, what?” her eyes bulge.

“Oh- uh, you haven’t…?” Kaze’s cheeks redden to match those of his friend next to him, “I-I’m so sorry for assuming, Kagero. Please forgive me. I just thought that you both seemed so, well, _affectionate_ with one another when I visited you during your recovery-”

Kagero balks. “ _Kaze_. We’re _best friends_. Of course we’re close to one another.” She laughs, “So that’s what the look you gave me back then was about?”

“Oh, well. I’m very sorry. Again.”

She chuckles in response.

“I- apologize if I’m overstepping, but it’s just that I’ve never seen someone stare at you so longingly before- b-but it seems that I mistook it for something else so-”

“ _Wait_ -” she cuts in, shaking her head, “No. That, that can’t be. She couldn’t possibly be interested in…” her eyes widen, “H-how can you tell?”

“Well, it’s just the way she acts around you is just so… loving. When she winks at you, touches you on the arm, teases you, says such sweet things about you only convinces me that she feels so strongly about you. The way that she stares at you so longingly reminds me of the way some of the women in the castle are wont to gaze at me… wherever I go. Just, not as ravenous as them.”

Kagero turns to conceal the blush creeping back up her face. She whispers, “Do you really think so?”

“Yes, I have a strong feeling about it.”

“B-but she’s my best friend. I don’t want to embarrass her… I don’t want to repulse her for being a woman,” (her lip quivers so slightly) “I don’t know if I can just go up to her and-”

“Kagero… we live in a cruel world. Our lives are often short, and I think that when our paths happen to cross with someone who is so wonderful, I don’t feel that we should have to second-guess ourselves. The happiest I’ve seen you recently is when you’re with her.

“You said before that Saizo was lucky for being able to move on so fast. But I don’t think that’s true. _You’re_ the lucky one, Kagero.”

Her entire face reddens as a flood of memories, both old and more recent, surge upwards. A playful laugh, a flutter of her drooping eyelashes, a radiant smile, a doting remark. A hand cupped in her own. A kiss concealed in the dark.

“… Maybe I am,” she finally responds. “You’ve given me a lot to think about, Kaze.”

 

* * *

 

“…Are you sure this will fit?”

Saizo scrutinizes the kimono the young woman has placed in his hands. A jumble of a silver and blue pattern, surely louder than anything he’s ever owned.

“Yes, why else would I have measured you twice?” the girl rolls her eyes. Oboro, one of Lord Takumi’s newest retainers. “Don’t worry, it will look great on your figure!”

“…”

“Now go behind the curtain and try it on! There’s a small mirror in there to help you out, but I’ll adjust the fit once you’re done,” Oboro clasps her hands together, “Ohhh I’m just so excited to see my latest creation!”

Sighing in resignation, he slips through the curtains set up in the tailor shop and begins to disrobe.

“Don’t forget to put the haori on top when you’re done!” she shouts after him.

Pulling off his tunic, Saizo glimpses the dark circles under his eyes in the mirror. Maybe Ryoma is right, he should get more rest. Nevertheless, whenever the prince apologizes for keeping him so late, Saizo has never left, choosing to spend these scarce hours on his nights off talking with the other man (he is still unsure how to personally refer to him- companion? lover?...boyfriend?) and getting to know one another in other ways. After his fight with Kagero several weeks ago, he always checks the guard rotation schedule to ensure that his visits to Ryoma through the trapdoor never coincide with his partner’s shifts. He still can’t shake the guilt of being with their lord while his ex-lover stands sentinel outside.

Surprisingly, there is enough room for his wide arms to move around in the sleeves as he slips on the kimono. He ties a sturdy knot in the obi around his waist and twists the knot to the back. At least the jacket he’ll wear on top will conceal its sloppiness. It is difficult to see how the kimono fits on him in the small mirror placed in the area with him, but he notices he has left on his tattered blue scarf. Surely, Oboro will scold him for wearing the old scarf with his new outfit, so he removes it.

As if to read his mind, the young woman says from across the room, “Don’t forget to take off your mask either. Would you really want to be seen at a formal function with Lord Ryoma with that thing on?” Grumbling, Saizo begrudgingly peels it off.

The slight purple mark he forgot that Ryoma left beneath his jaw two nights ago is still there. In between sucking on his neck, he mentioned that Saizo seemed distracted (and he wasn’t referring to the kissing nor his hand splayed across his chest). Certainly, Saizo couldn’t share the current source of his guilt with him. Kagero’s knowledge of them embarrassed him enough. And he wouldn’t want to involve Ryoma either and risk damaging the façade of the working relationship between the High Prince and his two retainers.

Maybe starting off the romance by hiding things from his beloved wasn’t the best approach, but if the truth would humiliate Ryoma, Saizo figures it may be the more merciful choice.

Saizo decides in the end to wrap his scarf around his neck and tucks in his chin before stepping from behind the curtain. And surely, Oboro scolds him, scrunching up her nose.

“Saizo! Will you take that ratty thing off? And you forgot your haori too! Ugh! Go back inside!” she makes a shooing gesture at him.

He glowers and stomps off to the changing area. Upon his return, he cautiously lets his hand hover around his mouth and the hickey. Oboro doesn’t seem to notice it (or she makes no comment about it), but admires her handiwork instead. She reties the obi in the back and adjusts the fit of the kimono across his chest and shoulders.

Oboro sighs. “Okay… I think I’ve done it. Now, I want you to put your hand down so that you can try on the decorative gauntlets!” Saizo waits apprehensively, dreading what sort of bejeweled monstrosity she’ll return with after tottering off to a chest of drawers.

“Here, try these on and stand in front of the mirror! C’mon, put your hand down, nobody can see you now, I closed off the rest of the shop just for your private dressing.”

To his pleasant surprise, the gauntlets on the tray are similar to the black and gold ones he wears in his everyday life, albeit the addition of several gold tassels and knots. After tying them to his arms with silken cord, Oboro ushers him over to the full mirror in the shop.

“Oooh you look so handsome! I knew the chevron pattern would complement that rugged charm you’re hiding!” she gushes.

Saizo rolls his eyes but he can’t help but admire the young woman’s work and what it’s done to his body. The blue and silver pattern on the kimono is less flashy than it initially appeared and, when paired with the white haori, streamlines his bulky frame. The gauntlets nicely complement the shape of his arms as well. He _does_ look good, maybe even refined.

As he checks out the kimono and lowers the hand concealing his mouth, his thoughts turn to the upcoming event. He doesn’t think about the reactions of the courtiers and nobles of the Hoshidan court, slack-jawed and hiding their dumbfounded expressions behind their fans. But instead, he imagines what Ryoma’s expression will be like when he arrives to escort him to the banquet, fighting the urge to blush or grin widely. He images Ryoma sneaking moments to lightly touch him on the back or his hand under the table.

Saizo’s heart rises and the weariness, the guilt of the past few weeks melts away from his face. And for once, he is (somewhat) looking forward to being in the public eye at the side of his beloved.

 

* * *

 

“Here, Chieko. Try lining up your legs like this. Good. You’ll be able to release more force when your feet are stable.”

The young ninja nods and firmly plants her feet into the dirt. She closes her eyes and releases the shuriken, which just grazes the bullseye of the target. The other kunoichi recruits burst into whoops and shouts. 

Kagero doesn’t have the heart in her to tell the other girls that as ninja, they should be less outwardly expressive. Even though her stoic expression doesn’t reveal it, their joy swells up in her as well. It’s been easier lately to find these pockets of lightness.

Normally in her teaching, she doesn’t accept her students’ requests to help with training outside of their scheduled lessons. But in the spirit of an old friend coming to her aid not too long ago, she thought to extend a favor to the recruits when they approached her in the training courtyard earlier that day.

After Chieko falls back to the end of the line, the small group of trainees take their turns at throwing knives and shuriken at the target, with more-than moderate success. Kagero feels a tap on her shoulder, and expecting it to be one of her students, she finds a much taller ninja behind her. He nods at her, which she returns.

“Master Kagero, pardon my interruption. A parcel has arrived for you.”

“Thank you.” He nods at her once more before he vanishes.

She turns to her students, “Excuse me, but I must leave. Please continue to practice the techniques I showed you today.”

“Yes, Master Kagero!” they pipe in overly-enthusiastic unison.

With a subtle lilt in her step, Kagero’s mind turns to the moon festival at the end of the week. It will be relaxing to have the days off at the end of the week, to wander around the stalls which the vendors have started assembling in Shirasagi Square, and to eat mochi and other autumnal delicacies.

She arrives at the deliveries port in Shirasagi Castle, where dry goods and letters from around the kingdom are distributed to the rest of the fortress. Her eyes widen once she recognizes her mother’s handwriting on a note pinned to a cloth-shaped bundle. She squeezes it against her chest and dashes back to the main courtyard. Leaping up the layers of rooftiles and rushing back to her quarters, she musters the strength to prevent breaking into a full grin. In the privacy of her space, she laughs as she undoes her mother’s knots and pins.

The cloth furls away to reveal a neatly-folded lavender yukata. Kagero delicately lifts it up and holds it against her body to make sure that the garment she owned as a teenager will still fit. The elbows are a bit worn, which she did not remember, but she doesn’t mind it that much. She admires the stenciled design of purple dragonflies soaring through pampas grass along the edges of the sleeves and bottom of the yukata. It’s as lovely and charming as she remembered and perfect for the fall season.

A note pinned to the collar by her mother reads: “My Daughter, this is an excellent choice. I know you will find many suitors in this.”

Kagero rolls her eyes and chuckles. The things that her mother somehow knew but could never truly understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'll find a way to be without you, babe"
> 
> A huge huge thanks to AO3 user OrangeBlossoms for looking over the first and largest scene of the chapter when I had some doubts about it! Please check out her work as well! She is a femslash champion and has written lovely Marilivia (https://archiveofourown.org/works/15113216), Faye/Celica (https://archiveofourown.org/works/14111559/chapters/32514636), and Eirika/L’Arachel! (https://archiveofourown.org/works/13788807)
> 
> Ahhhh we're so close now to the end! I'm pretty satisfied with how the scene with Kagero and Kaze turned out. I re-wrote it once in the outlining stage and twice during the drafting stage because I just wanted to nail it! I'm so excited to write the next chapter because it's my favorite one!
> 
> The chapter title comes from Lorde's ["Writer in the Dark"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1Wevfw_Nxk), which is such a hauntingly beautiful song. Her 2017 album "Melodrama" was such a huge muse for me plotting out this fic in general, especially in writing the conflict between Saizo and Kagero and Kagero's character arc. I think "Writer in the Dark" is a good song for Kagero anyways, and it's particularly suitable here for her decision to work to move on from her grief and her romantic relationship with her ex.


	11. And You Won't Look Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the Harvest Festival and hearts swell as large as the full moon.

     Adjusting the front of her yukata and the chrysanthemum in her hair, Kagero nods at the mirror’s reflection and steadies her breath. She also finds that she must keep her movements steady as she wobbles out of her room. Normally graceful in her step, she nearly trips down the numerous flights of stairs in Shirasagi Castle in the unfamiliar platforms of her geta.

     Somehow, Kagero manages to arrive at the gate in front of the castle, and just in time too. Orochi’s face lights up like the harvest moon rising behind her once she notices the other woman. Her golden obi, tied in a knot as extravagant as her hair, complements the rosy-pink yukata underneath. Kagero notices her usual diviner’s bracelets are gone when she links her hands with her own.

     “My dear Kagero, thank you for inviting me! I was quite humbled by your invitation… I can’t remember the last time I haven’t seen you in uniform!” Orochi grins widely.

     Kagero returns a barely noticeable, but congenial smile. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen you when you’re not wearing your diviner’s uniform,” she pauses, “But you look so… lovely.”

     The diviner scowls, cheeks flushed, “You tease me, Kagero.” She quirks an eyebrow, “But really, you should address that compliment towards yourself. You look _stunning_ with your hair pinned up. You should wear it that way more often, maybe catch some new admirers, hm?”

     Stifling a blush, the other woman shakes her head. “Oh, well, it’s nothing really.”

     “Well, we could compliment each other all night, but wouldn’t you like that?” Orochi teases devilishly, “But we may as well make our way to the harvest festival, shall we?”

     Kagero nods affirmatively and sets off towards the fair. After trying to walk down the hill on her own, she finds that linking her elbow through the arm that Orochi has generously offered helps recover her balance. She can’t help but tilt her head towards her companion, breathing in a slight note of perfume. The ascending moon lights their way.

 

* * *

 

     Throngs of adults and children move through the food and game stalls packed into Shirasagi Square. Orochi grabs Kagero’s hand so they do not lose each another in the crowd, pulling her off to see the attractions. Her heart flutters, sputters at the grin on her friend’s face, as enthusiastic as when she pulled Kagero along to play as a child. They grasp each other tightly.

     Booths selling steamed chestnuts, skewered fish, and dango envelop them in savory aromas, enticing the women to try as much as they can. Kagero’s sneaking abilities come in handy as she tries to slither through the lines, picking up food for them both. They cheer the harvest with the clink of two small glasses of sake. The warmth of the alcohol seeps through their fingers and toes, fighting off the cool autumnal winds.

     Orochi begs her companion to try playing fair games with her. We’re far too old for them but it could be fun! she laughs. Kagero only dryly feigns her disinterest and immediately joins in.

     Hunched over a small pool, Orochi manages to catch a goldfish on her fourth try. Pridefully showing off her bagged prize and eyes darting between it and her friend, she asks matter-of-factly what she’s supposed to do with a thing like this. Can the vendor fry it up for her? He blinks at her, unamused.

     Maybe it is because of the dissonance between Orochi’s tone and the goofy smile on her face, or because she is off-duty, or out of the simple joy of spending an evening with her best friend, but Kagero can’t help but sputter out laughing between her pursed lips, bubbling over in giggles. Orochi soon joins in the infectious laughter as they walk away, goldfish in tow, the vendor watching after the strange women quizzically.

     They finish their rounds through the festival with crispy taiyaki, the buttery dough filled with the sweetness of red bean paste melting on their tongues. Appetites satiated and legs tired from wandering around, Kagero asks her friend if she would like to go view the moon somewhere away from the crowd.

     After strolling south of the square, the two women find a small hill with a direct view of the full moon. Kagero holds out her hand to help Orochi climb upwards. They silently sit next to one another, admiring the large golden moon floating in the darkened sky. They are both tired from the commotion of the festival but content. Kagero glances over at her unusually-quiet companion, lips not turned up in a smirk but parted slightly. Her pensive expression, with the moonlight glittering off her hair ornaments and reflecting in her large eyes gives her an almost otherworldly, enchanting beauty. It is so tempting to just watch her instead.

     Suddenly, Orochi breaks her moment of serenity and directly turns towards her, nearly startling the unflappable ninja. “Clearly, there’s something on your mind, my friend.” Her catlike grin returns.

     “Well, yes, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about.” Kagero clasps her hands together and speaks softly, “Orochi… I want to thank you for staying by my side for what feels like most of our lives. And, well, just as you are doing now,” she eyes Orochi smirking next to her, “I don’t think I have come to fully appreciate the loyalty and generosity you have extended to me until recently… I’m ashamed that I have not always been able to reciprocate them, especially in the time when I was in a relationship. You _are_ my best friend, you deserved much better than a cold shoulder from me.”

     She breathes in and adjusts her posture to fully face the other woman. “When I thought about how much of an important person you are in my own life, I realized that I felt, well, I still _feel_ something else when I think about the bond of our friendship.”

     Orochi’s inquisitive smile flickers in the moonlight. “What do you mean?”

     “Well… as a ninja, I do not receive many opportunities to examine or act on my own emotions. They’re generally discouraged as well. But thanks to the advice of an old friend, I knew that this was something worth thinking about,” she pauses, “…I think the way that I really feel about you came about when we shared… a moment together so many years ago.”

     “Was it the time when we drunkenly kissed each other as teenagers on a dare?” Orochi slyly cocks her eyebrow.

     “W-w-well. Yes.”

     The diviner giggles, but Kagero knows it’s not mocking. Nevertheless, she tries her hardest not to blush.

     “I know that we never talked about it afterwards, well, mostly maybe it was _me_ who was not ready to talk about it afterwards. But I think… it was something I was not ready to accept at the time. I worried about how my best friend would react, would you be repulsed if you knew what was going through my head, what I was feeling?”

     Orochi smiles shakes her head. “My dear, I would never hate you because I love you, Kagero!”

     “Well, yes,” Kagero responds, voice quieter, “I do love you as a friend, but it’s something more than that too.”

     Orochi’s smile drops. A lump catches in Kagero’s throat, but she carries on. Her friend should at least hear her to the end.

     “Even- even if you don’t feel the same way, I still want to share this with you. I _love_ you, Orochi. You are the one who is still the dearest in my heart after all of these years.”

     Orochi stares at Kagero silently, her expression unchanged. The ninja’s heartbeat freezes, as if struck by the moonlight. The flush she tried to suppress all evening envelops her face and neck. Boldly, the diviner reaches over to cup her chin and bring it towards her own. Kagero’s eyes widen as Orochi kisses her once. The latter pulls away, giggling.

     “Well, if it wasn’t obvious, I _meant_ it when I said that I love you too!”

     Jaw slackened and head spinning, all Kagero can eke out is a “…R-really?”

     “I _could_ try kissing you again if it wasn’t so clear the first time!” Orochi playfully touches her companion’s knee, laughing, “Oh no, Orochi wouldn’t do that to you now! Even in the dark I can see your cheeks are redder than the rouged-up biddies who snooze in court all day!” Kagero buries her face in her hands.

     Playing with a strand of her loose hair, Orochi smiles, “Well, you said that it took you a while to understand your feelings about me, but I don’t think _I_ really understood mine about you until you started seeing Saizo. I was… pretty shocked at first and more than a bit ticked off. You remember how terse I was at first, don’t you? But then I realized that I wasn’t so much mad at _him_ when it was more so that I wanted to be in his place. I wanted to spend time with you, to be involved with you like he was.

     “I tried to move past my little crush on you, but maybe it was more like staving it off. I had flings with various lords and ladies of the court, courtesans, soldiers, townsfolk. Really just anybody that I could charm. But alas, they were only a temporary distraction, some much more distracting than the others, especially the women,” she laughs, “At some point, I figured out that men weren’t _really_ my type.”

     There is a wistfulness in the way her lips curve upwards, “But in the end, I could never really forget you, Kagero. I’ve loved you for so long.”

     Heart swelling for Orochi’s predicament, Kagero suddenly reaches over to take her hands into her own. “Orochi, I am so sorry that you had to endure that silently for several years. It must have been so lonely… if I only I had been honest with you and my feelings earlier!”

     The other woman shakes her head and clicks her tongue. “Well, I could have said something to you before you ran off with your boyfriend! But it’s like I said, there were time when I was jealous, but I was content knowing that Saizo made you happy. You’ve pushed yourself your entire life, and it was good knowing that you had someone who you could take a breather with, shack up with.”

     “Mmm, well, Saizo did make me happy at times, but it wasn’t meant to be. I have a feeling that you will make me an even happier woman.” She chuckles and runs her fingers across Orochi’s knuckles, “That is, if you’d like for us to be together?”

     “Oh Kagero, you don’t even have to ask!” tears well up in Orochi’s eyes, illuminated in the moonlight. She squeezes Kagero’s hands, “I can’t believe my luck! Maybe I should retire as a diviner because I _never_ predicted that this would happen between us tonight, but I’m so glad that it did. And nothing would make me happier either. Of course I want to be with you!”

     Kagero swears that Orochi’s beaming face is brighter than the moon, and her own heart melts.

     “I’m looking forward to seeing where this will take us,” Orochi’s voice quivers. She reaches to wipe at a tear snaking down the top of her cheek, but Kagero swiftly catches her hand and gently kisses the tear away instead. Orochi sniffles and laughs joyfully.

     “No matter what happens next, I’m just happy to be at your side,” Kagero whispers. She presses her lips against Orochi’s forehead before craning in for several longer kisses. Her lips are still as soft and full as she remembers.

     Kagero opens her eyes mid-kiss just to capture this new memory: her new lover’s glinting hair ornaments, her hands pressing into her own back, eyelashes fluttering against one another, the perfume on her pulse points rising from the heat. She closes her eyes again, returning to the comforting darkness, and the heat of their mouth, and loses herself in it until Orochi pulls away.

     “I love you.”

     “I love you so much too,” Kagero smiles before pulling her back into another round.

     Grateful that they both have the day off tomorrow, Kagero and Orochi spend the rest of the evening chatting, making out, and taking turns to rest their heads on each other's shoulders. The radiance of the moon behind them bathes the two women in light and shadow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder whatever happened to that goldfish jk.
> 
> It just fills me up with so much joy to have finally made it to this point! I've been looking forward to writing this chapter, which I planned in the beginning of the outlining phase since starting this fanfic. I love Kagero and Orochi as a couple so very much and wanted this chapter (and the rest of the fic) to be a tribute to the loving bond between them. There's still more where that came from, including some fun scenes ahead, so stay tuned :)!
> 
> The chapter's title is a nice bookend to Chapter 6 and also comes from Stars' ["Your Ex Lover Is Dead"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5Or6-HOveg). It nicely sums up Kagero's arc in this story and Saizo's as well as they both move on in their lives. And don't worry- there's more to both of their stories as well!


	12. I Don't Want Your Pity, I Just Want Somebody Near Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Harvest Banquet, robes and hearts and limbs tangle together

     Saizo prays that the sounds of lips smacking on skin doesn’t echo through the thin paper walls of his lover’s quarters. Ryoma, to his slight chagrin, is not as discreet about the noises he makes when they are together.

     He sluggishly reaches for the back of Ryoma’s head, who kisses and sucks on his neck, alternating between hard and gentle bites. The deep blue haori of the harvest banquet was the first item shed by the entrance of the chambers, and now, on the futon, Ryoma slides his hands under and pulls away Saizo’s robes to grope and squeeze his chest. Already half hard, he feels as if he will either die or pass out in his liege’s quarters. Whichever one will come first.

     He occasionally opens his eye just to confirm that this is all real, and not because of the effects of the wine which he partook in, after the encouragement of Lady Mikoto.

     Hands inching slowly, he reaches through the folds of Ryoma’s kimono to let his hands rest on his chest. Saizo shivers at the intensity of their heartbeats reverberating inches away from one another. Noticing his companion’s hesitation, the prince smiles.

     “You know you don’t have to stop right there,” Ryoma whispers deeply, tucking a strand of Saizo’s hair behind his ear before gently nipping it, “Your hands have gone deeper than that before.” The heat rises up Saizo’s face.

     “Ah… right.” He coughs and accepts the invitation, gradually dragging his fingers, curled like claws, across his lover’s chest and back and reaching down towards his abdomen. Ryoma arches his head back, exposing his neck. Saizo kisses it carefully to avoid leaving any telltale marks.

     Breathing heavily, Ryoma brings his hand towards Saizo’s jawline and pulls him into a deep kiss. The latter brings their bodies closer, unsure of where to put his legs. Eye closed, he senses his lover pull away and press his forehead against his.

     Saizo can hear the smile in Ryoma’s voice, “Tonight was wonderful. Thank you for coming… I’m glad that you were able to come right before your mission.”

     “Thank you for inviting me, the food was delicious.”

     The prince presses his lips against his forehead. “Mmm. Good. I hope my family wasn’t too overbearing for you.”

     Saizo remembers Lady Hinoka’s friendly but distant greeting towards him. The two did not speak directly to one another, but he listened to Ryoma and her discuss the benefits of training with unfamiliar weapons. Lord Takumi sulked at him and spent the rest of the evening ignoring him. The small Lady Sakura, seated on the edge of the table, shyly and curiously peaked past her second-oldest brother to watch him. Noticing that Saizo had left the plate of sweets presented in front of him untouched, she meekly asked if she could have his, tapping on his shoulder. The princess’s face lit up when he presented the plate to her, before zipping back to her seat.

     “No… it was nice to spend the evening with them. They were very accommodating of an outsider.”

     Ryoma chuckles. “I could tell that Sakura is quite fond of you… but you’re very kind, if not entirely honest. I know my other siblings can be a bit aloof.”

     Saizo remembers the prince trying his best to engage him in his conversations with his siblings, his hand so casually (and flirtatiously) touching the lower part of his back to encourage him. “Well, the best part of the evening was sharing it with you, Ryoma.”

     His lover brings him into a kiss. “And you as well,” he whispers huskily, “You were so handsome that I wanted to leave the banquet right away and take you to my quarters.”

     Too flushed and flustered to offer anything else, Saizo pulls him in from the top, deepening the kiss. He deftly unties the knot of his own obi and feels Ryoma’s mouth and hands return to his shoulders and chest as he pulls away the kimono, leaving his hakama underneath. Ryoma lets Saizo remove his own kimono, caressing the lean muscles of his exposed arms and pulling his fingers through the mane of hair spilling onto them both. Their legs and bodies tangle together as the formalwear formerly worn tumbles off the futon, kissing and squeezing one another.

     Ryoma detaches himself, breathless and sweating. “I- think a break is good right now,” he pants, “You are so warm as usual… it’s getting me hot too. Would you like some water?”

     Saizo shakes his head and slicks back a piece of his hair sticking in the front. He watches Ryoma retrieve the pitcher on the other side of the room and notices a slight tent in his trousers. He flushes furiously.

     Sitting down with a ceramic cup, Ryoma smiles at him before taking a sip. Saizo allows his hand to rest upon his companion’s shoulder and lightly rubs it, drawing out a pleasant sigh.

     “You know… Oboro did such fine work with your outfit. You looked _so_ handsome tonight. I noticed that there were multiple pairs of eyes on you,” the prince raises an eyebrow.

     “Well,” Saizo gingerly rubs the back of his head, the red still in his cheeks, “They were probably surprised to see me without my mask.”

     “Mmm… that’s a possibility. But I think they were also surprised at those good looks you were hiding. And they were more than likely not expecting to see you as my guest.” He chuckles, “Some of the nobles and courtiers thought that they were so deceptive, spying on our table. It was entertaining to watch them.”

     Saizo’s brow furrows, unable to recall any of the other guests hovering around the table. “I don’t remember that. I think talking to Lady Mikoto and you kept most of my attention.” He reprimands himself for not being as attentive throughout the night, grateful that no would-be enemies took advantage of the event.

     “Mmm,” Ryoma takes a sip, “There were small groups of them at the table at various points, holding up their fans to their faces while they whispered among themselves. There were a few who spent too much time greeting my mother and thought they were so clever stealing glances, ogling you like you were something that had just washed up from the ocean. And there was even one lord from one of the eastern provinces and his wife who spent the whole evening glaring at you!”

     “…And this happened for the whole night?”

     “Yes, and it was like they had never seen a ninja in formalwear before. They’re so stuffy and old-fashioned that they expect the daughter of a minister or noble to be my ‘date’ and not my male retainer, let alone one who is a ninja! Some of those courtiers turned so pale that I thought they would faint! Now I wish you had noticed them!”

     Ryoma laughs but a queasiness sinks down in Saizo’s stomach. The kimono he was so proud to wear that evening, balled at the end of the futon, now looks garish with its zig-zagging pattern.

     “…So this was funny to you?”

     “Well, yes, but it wasn’t at you, of course-”

     “Then who were you laughing at?” It is the first time in Saizo’s memory that he has ever interrupted his liege.

     “It was at the nobles, Saizo,” Ryoma’s brow narrows, “I would _never_ want to make fun of you.”

     “Then why are you laughing about this? And why didn’t you speak up when you heard them tittering around me?”

     “I didn’t want to embarrass you at the time-”

     “So why are you telling me this now, Ryoma? Do you think this makes me feel better?” the impatience in Saizo’s voice rises with the heat rushing to his face, “To know that I’ll never be more than a backwater fool, the heir of a traitorous clan, even when I’ve protected your life, done more to protect the future of this kingdom than any of them? Even when generations of my family have sworn loyalty to yours for years!”

     His liege’s face grows ashen, “Saizo, none of those things about you are true- don’t believe what they say about you, they’re not better than you-”

     “Did you ask me to the banquet so that I could entertain you? So that I could distract you from the tedium of court life?”

     “No-Saizo-”

     Saizo cuts him off, angrily gesturing to them both, “Is this-is this all a ruse too, a distraction for you? Did you mean to have me so that you could dress me up like a fop, laugh at me, _fuck_ me, and get rid of me when you’re done, find a new retainer and bedwarmer to take Saizo the Fifth’s place?”

     “Saizo, no- I wanted to be with you, I _still_ want to be with you,” Lord Ryoma cries out.

     “Then you should do a better job of convincing me of that, _My Liege_ ,” he turns away and grabs his crumpled kimono, “I thought I understood you. I thought you were more noble than some of the nobles you think you’re above, but you’re one of them. You’re just like them... my sincere apologies for misunderstanding your character,” Pain rags at the end of the sentence.

     “I will report to you after you after I return from my mission in the mountains. Good Night, Lord Ryoma.”

     Saizo stands and loosely ties the kimono back over his chest, the astringent truth of Kagero’s words in their last argument echoing back to him. It’s a bitter reminder in a way, to know that his partnering retainer will always look after him.

     “Saizo, I am so sorry.”

     Saizo reaches for the sliding screen.

     “Saizo-wait-” His plea is sharper, more desperate. The ninja stops.

     “I don’t want for you to leave for your mission before I can make amends.” There is a mournfulness in Lord Ryoma’s voice. “…But if you’re not ready to talk until after you come back, I will wait.”

     Frowning, Saizo turns his head slightly.

     “I should have never told you about that. That was a complete mistake. Everything was, in fact. I really screwed up what I thought was going to be a wonderful evening that we shared.” The prince buries his face in his hands.

     “I should have stood up for you at the banquet, to tell those nobles to stay away from my guest, and I should have never laughed about it… I thought it was funny at the time at how uptight they were, but it was at your expense. That was wrong of me, as your liege and your companion. Your partner.”

     His retainer inhales deeply and turns to more fully face the man.

     “When I asked you to the banquet, I told you that I would not face any slander against you or your family, but I have let you down in that respect. I have hurt your pride and your trust, and I hope I can rebuild the latter. I swear that I will live up to that promise I made and stand by your side, whatever unfair criticism may come your way someday. You may be my retainer right now, and our lives have been so different from one another, but I truly believe we are equals as men. I think you are the more noble in character out of the both of us right now, and I hope that I can come to match you again… I want to be that man for you, for us.”

     There’s a rare trembling in his voice, his head bowed, “Saizo… I care about you so much and I would never want to lose you, just as I told you that night when we first shared our feelings. I originally asked you to the banquet not so that you would be my conversation piece or someone to laugh at, but because I wanted to be with you.

     “I _still_ want to be with you, if you will still accept me. You are not a passing distraction, Saizo, and no matter what you or what others may say or think about yourself, I know you as a man who I admire and cherish.”

     Saizo blinks slowly. He sits down on the futon, still wearing the kimono, frown evening out.

     “Ryoma…”

     He takes one of his hands into his own.

     “T-Thank you.” Ryoma tilts his head up. “For everything you said.” Saizo squeezes his hand.

     “I… overreacted a little. I’m sorry as well,” he sighs, “All along, I was aware of the differences between us and our positions, and I was… afraid at first that I was never worthy of you. To be the paramour of the High Prince. What you told me earlier reminded me of my earlier misgivings, but I was wrong to go with my gut reaction.”

     “Saizo…” His lover squeezes his hand back. “I appreciate it, but I know that the blame lies with me. Even though I don’t fully know what it is like, I believe I would have reacted in the same way in your place. I hope that I will never make you feel like you’re unworthy again. I _promise_.” He kisses his cheek.

     “If you’d like to accompany me to some more events in the future, I’d be happy to make this one up to you.”

     “Well, I’ll have to think about it,” Saizo drily smirks.

     “We’ve got to do something about those courtiers and advisors though,” Ryoma shakes his head, mumbling, “I’ll raise hell the next time.”

     “I might get ahead of you first.”

     Ryoma laughs and rests his head on Saizo’s shoulder. “Good.” He crooks his head up to whisper into his ear, “And it’s a good excuse to see you dressed so formally again.”

     The ninja sighs. “Well if it’s for you, I will.” He’s glad that Ryoma hasn’t noticed the faint smile on his face. “And speaking of which, I _really_ don’t want anyone else to see me in _this_ ever again. Is it alright if I sleep here?”

     “Anytime,” Ryoma grins before they meet in a kiss.

 

* * *

 

     Saizo studies Ryoma’s sleeping face in the shadows, a strip of candlelight flickering across his nose. Lips parted slightly, the expression on his face is the most relaxed Saizo has seen him for months. He reaches to delicately remove a strand of hair that has fallen across Ryoma’s eyes. A hand reaches up to intertwine with his own. Saizo doesn’t flinch.

     “Hi.”

     “I thought you were sleeping... You’re pretty convincing.”

     “Mmm, that’s a pretty high compliment from a shinobi.” Ryoma yawns, “I was for a while, but I can’t fall back asleep…”

     “Hm, I haven’t been able to sleep at all.”

     They sit in silence, fingers still linked. Saizo brings Ryoma’s hand to his mouth and lightly kisses the knuckles.

     “It seems unfair that we’ll be apart not too long after starting our relationship. I can’t believe you’ll be gone on your mission in just a few days… I’ll miss you,” the prince whispers.

     “Well, it’s not as if this is the first time in our lives we’ll be apart from each other,” Saizo tries to offer, but the reminder tugs at him. “I don’t want you to worry about me. I’ll stay safe. For the both of us.”

     Ryoma kisses him on the hand. “I’ll be waiting.”

     “It will go by quickly.” Saizo isn’t sure if he believes it.

     “…I’m still sorry about tonight…I regret that one of our last memories before we leave is of us fighting. I wish I had done better for you this evening.”

     “I still accept your apology, Ryoma… And it doesn’t look like it will be morning for a bit.”

     A slight chuckle. “You have a good point.”

     They kiss, removing one another’s robes. Ryoma runs a finger across his partner’s thigh with a spare hand. Saizo’s breath halts, heat rushing through his body. He kisses back with more force. Legs wrap around each other.

     Saizo moves down to kiss his neck, breathing in his scent and the night air. Ryoma’s hands wander across his bare chest and back. There is a slight digging of fingernails when Saizo’s lips hit a sweet spot. He feels Ryoma pressing into his thigh.

     “Keep… going…” Ryoma pushes Saizo’s head down further so that he has access to his chest and abdomen, while he gradually rolls over onto his back. Kissing and caressing bare skin, Saizo senses himself getting harder. His hands trace the lines of his abs and slowly glide on those leading further below, so invitingly, and halts at his waistband. He has done this before, but the heat always rises to his face in anticipation.

     “Saizo-” Ryoma breathes heavily.

     He pulls his hand back.

     “No-sorry. Keep going. I was just calling your name.” (Saizo is thankful that the single candle lit in the dark obfuscates his completely reddened face.)

     Readjusting his body, he lies next to Ryoma’s right side, propping himself on his left elbow. Saizo kisses him before his hand unties the hakama and dips down below. He slowly strokes him off, earning a content sigh. He brings out his cock, rubbing a finger around the head. Ryoma sinks back into the pillows as the strokes and his own breaths increase in intensity. Saizo’s erection throbs against his lover’s leg. Craning his head in to kiss him, a hand claps on his shoulder.

     “I think… I’m close,” Ryoma pants, sweat beading on his forehead. Saizo removes his hand.

     “Maybe, we should try something else, if you’d like to,” the prince smiles.

     Saizo coughs. “What did you have in mind?”

     “I was thinking of something even more intimate, since this may be one of the last times we’ll be together before you’re leaving… I’ve been able to go to the pleasure district of Shirasagi, go to some specialty bookstores. I’ve read up on anal intercourse, how to prepare for it, and the different positions available,” Ryoma says so matter-of-factly, as if he’s summarizing intelligence notes at a war council meeting. Saizo flushes furiously at the thought of the High Prince sneaking off to some sordid shop and seriously studying erotic prints and how to properly stretch one’s asshole. “Would you like to try?”

     “M-my, Ryoma,” he stutters, “I, well… yes.”

     “You sound uncertain… are you sure you want to?”

     “No-yes. Yes I am,” the thought of his lover inside of him sends another wave of pleasure down below, “I’d love to, I just… haven’t prepared myself, but please, give me ten minutes and I’ll be yours.”

     Ryoma blinks and rubs the back of his head, “Well, actually, I was thinking that maybe you’d take the lead for tonight.”

     Both of Saizo’s eyes widen. “P-p-pardon?”

     “Well, I have never had any experience with this, I’ve never slept with anyone,” his speech grows flustered, “And-and I hate to presume anything about your past, but I was thinking maybe you have made love in this way-”

     Saizo’s face turns a deeper shade of red and he coughs several times, reminded of his unsuccessful attempts with Kagero.

     “Well… yes,” he finally speaks up, “I-we, I did. Not often. Ka-she… did not like it that much,” Saizo’s voice gradually trails off, wary that his partnering retainer would want to harm him even more if he shared any more details of their (former) sex life with their liege.

     “I’m, I’m sorry for bringing it up, I shouldn’t have-”

     “No, it-it’s fine… it’s in the past now.”

     Saizo’s mind runs through different horrifying scenarios, of underperforming or causing tearing. “I just… worry about harming you. As your retainer… your lover. Would I be worthy of either if I hurt you?”

     “Well, a little pain is to be expected, so as I’ve read. But I trust you, if you still want to try taking the lead? Otherwise, I can try tonight,” Ryoma slides off the rest of his hakama and lies on his stomach, turning his head around. “I found a position that might be good, allows either one of us to go slowly.”

     The heat rushes downwards as Saizo admires the toned muscles of his ass. And his smile, as usual, is so damn charming. “… I’d like to try. I promise I won’t hurt you. Do you have anything that can help with… friction?”

     “I’m already prepared,” his lover rolls off the futon, taking the opportunity to light a few more candles. He returns with a vial and raises his eyebrow before handing it off to Saizo, “Something else I picked up in the pleasure district. Would you like to try?” he says almost teasingly, readjusting his body, stomach down, cradling his face so charmingly in his hands.

     “Y-yes, it would be my honor,” (Why the hell did he have to say it like that? Why couldn’t he give a normal answer?)

     Saizo uncorks the vial and dribbles some of the lubricant on his fingers. He curses under his breath as a little drips onto the tatami mat below. Slowly, he draws a finger into Ryoma, who arches his back. He gradually inserts another finger and works them around the hole, gliding his hand rhythmically back-and-forth. It’s a bit strange for Saizo to be in the dominant position, but the groaning of his lover beneath him fills him with pride.

     “Okay- I think I’m good,” the prince speaks with heavy breath, “Now, let me get you ready too.” And with a swift motion, he slides down Saizo’s pants. Kneeling, he pours a small amount of lube onto his hands and works to cover his erection. Saizo inhales and his knees shake. For a second, he glances down to see Ryoma making eye contact with him while working him off. He is sure that he will collapse onto the floor if Ryoma continues.

     “What… what do I need to do next?” Saizo pulls away before he completely loses control.

     “I think we need to push my futon against my writing desk.”

     Saizo’s eyes bulge.

     The two men move the futon over to the low desk, which Saizo realizes is the place where his liege greets him nearly every day, and now, the place where they’ll make love for the first time. How fitting, in a sense. Ryoma grabs a few pillows and stuffs them against the desk’s wall.

     “What do we need these for?” Saizo raises his eyebrows.

     “So you won’t hurt your back from leaning against the table… Now, please, sit back against the wall and cross your legs.”

     The ninja complies, adjusting the pillows behind him.

     “…And I’ll try to get on top.”

     Saizo’s breath hitches as Ryoma unsuccessfully attempts to sit on top of his lap, unsure of where to put his legs.

     “You could, um, try to put your legs on the sides and use my shoulders as leverage,” Saizo offers. Ryoma readjusts his legs and wraps his arms around his partner’s shoulders, who flushes. There is an eagerness in his eyes.

     “Shall we begin?” he says softly, “So it seems that I will lower myself onto you while you support my back. Is that alright?”

     Saizo’s heart pounds at the image of Ryoma riding him. “Yes… please, Ryoma.”

     His lover exhales as he tries to lower himself onto his cock, missing the first several times. Saizo readjusts his hips and supports Ryoma’s back as he finally enters, only riding down partway. He hisses through clenched teeth.

     “My Lor-Ryoma, are you alright?” Saizo freezes reflexively.

     “I-I want to keep going.”

     “Please, try to go slower then…”

     Ryoma gradually, slowly moves around the top half of his erection. But it’s more than enough for Saizo, taking in the sight of the prince, brow furrowed in concentration, jaw clenched, hair spilling onto them both and gently ticking his face and chest. He stares directly into his eyes. It’s… incredibly sexy.

     They hold onto one another, Ryoma’s arms still draped around his shoulders and Saizo helping him with the movements, breaking into a sweat. They tilt their heads towards each other and attempt to share a few deep kisses, though the former’s position makes it difficult for their mouths and tongues to connect. Easing himself lower onto Saizo’s shaft, Ryoma increases his paces. Saizo groans and responds by bucking his hips up into his partner, grabbing his ass for support. Ryoma’s erection grinds against Saizo’s abs and digs his fingers into his arms, nails scratching the skin. He rests his forehead against his partner’s as they bump into one another. The writing desk behind them creaks.

     Saizo thrusts in all the way and Ryoma cries out happily. But he doesn’t mind how loud the man on top is, just grateful that he’s not yelling his name for the whole floor to find out. Ryoma increases his own movements, clenching around Saizo’s cock. The latter comes with a quiet moan, bucking his hips upwards with the motion. He collapses against Ryoma’s chest, who wraps his arms around his back. Exhausted, Saizo remains inside of Ryoma for a while. Maybe it’s a bit selfish, as he sees in front of him that his partner’s needs haven’t been fully attended to yet, but it feels organic to hold one another like this, foreheads pressed against one another.

     “Thank you, my love-” Saizo mutters before realizing this is the first time he has addressed his partner in this way. Ryoma kisses him on the forehead.

     “You’re very welcome, _my love_ ,” his husky whisper raises goosebumps up Saizo’s arms. Saizo pulls out underneath him, kissing Ryoma’s exposed neck. The ninja’s hands return to caress and kiss his arms, abdomen, chest.

     Ryoma collapses against the pillows still stacked up against the desk, and he slides slightly down. Saizo slides up to his side and begins stroking him.

     “Well, I’m in your hands,” Ryoma pants, chuckling a little.

     “Well, actually, I was thinking of using my mouth this time.”

     Saizo feels his cock twitch in his hand. “Y-yes, that’s fine too,” a flush breaks across Ryoma’s cheeks.

     Positioning himself in between the other man’s legs, Saizo strokes him a few more times, inhales, and rather overenthusiastically tries to take him in all at once. Gagging and covering his hand with his mouth, he withdraws.

     “I’m so sorry for that,” Saizo coughs into his hand.

     “No, it’s alright,” Ryoma gently rests his hand on top of his head, “You don’t have to do this. Maybe we should try something else, or try another time-”

     “No. I can try again. I _want_ to try again, I’ll just go slower.”

     “Take your time, please?”

     After recollecting himself, Saizo returns to Ryoma again. This time, with more discipline. While he is unable to take in his cock all the way, it earns a slight hiss from his lover nevertheless, who clamps his hand on his shoulder. He uses his tongue and lips to tease and suck on the head and shaft, sliding down a little further each time.

     Panting, Ryoma thrusts his hips upwards to meet the bobbing of his partner’s head. Saizo grabs onto his legs for leverage, heart pounding with both of their movements. And it is not too long before he comes, thrusting into Saizo’s mouth, nearly knocking him over. Although it startles him at how quickly Ryoma comes, he tries his best to swallow. He feels the prince collapsing underneath him.

     “Wow.” Ryoma rests the back of his hand upon his forehead, glistening with sweat. He looks down at his lover with a furrowed brow, “Saizo, are you alright?”

     Saizo withdraws and shakes his head, “Oh, forgive me, I was just not expecting for you to finish so fast.”

     Ryoma shifts his weight onto his elbows and uses the movement to bring him closer to his lover. He takes his chin into his hands and kisses him on the mouth. “Well, it’s all due to you. That was _wonderful_ , thank you.”

     Pressing Ryoma’s hand closer into his cheek, Saizo smiles, mumbling, “I should be the one thanking you.”

     “I think we can both agree that it was an equal effort.”

     They kiss each other lazily, slowly, falling back onto the futon in an embrace. Saizo rests his head underneath Ryoma’s chin, nuzzling his neck and breathing in their sweat and heat. It is bittersweet to be held like this, to hold one another, when the circumstances of their duties, a retainer’s duty to his liege, will separate them for nearly a month. But for now, it is just them. With a rare lightness in his touch, Saizo traces the arms wrapped around him, fingers memorizing their lithe sinews so as if to recall Ryoma’s embrace during his nights alone.

     Saizo notices dawn’s fingers inching through the cracks of the paper windows and rolls onto his back. “Mmm. Maybe I should go, let you get some sleep. Take care of some of my duties for the day.”

     Lips peck his forehead and a hand strokes his hair, “No, I’m allowing you to take a few hours off so that you can rest too.” Ryoma smiles. “You’ll _always_ have a place here, Saizo.”

     And he happily complies, dozing off in their embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if you didn't notice, the rating for this series went up! This is the first of two love scenes, and the second one will be coming very soon afterwards!
> 
> This was one of the most demanding chapters that I wrote for this fic because the decision to integrate Saizo and Ryoma's argument came much later in the drafting process, but I think it's a good addition to the relationship I have built between them. Or maybe it's just because I have a hard time writing smut without some point to it. Saizo nearly idolized Ryoma, and Ryoma blissfully tried to not let their different social standings affect their relationship, so the reality check was good for the both of them and their relationship. Even though Saizo is just very extra as a character, I discarded a few drafts of the scene that were much more melodramatic.
> 
> The title of the chapter comes from the very sad but very good song ["Nobody" by Mitski](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qooWnw5rEcI)!


	13. Powerful with a Little Bit of Tender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kagero finds a kindred spirit on a walk and gives a little, takes a little with her new flame.

     Kagero slides open the door to her liege’s chambers and bows in greeting.

     “Milord, I wanted to inform you that my students outside have finished their shift. I’m pleased to report that they’re improving at standing guard.”

     “Thank you, Kagero. I’m glad to hear that,” Lord Ryoma gives her a closed-mouth smile, but she notices the sunken bags around his eyes.

     “If you’ll excuse me, Lord Ryoma, I will resume the rest of my shift outside.” She bows towards him again.

     “Well, actually,” the prince stiffly stands from his writing table, “I’ve been so busy with these strategy reports it seems I’ve forgotten that it’s fall outside.” He walks over to a screen window and opens it, revealing the landscape beyond Shirasagi Castle vibrant in autumnal colors. “I haven’t had the chance to see the foliage in person yet and wouldn’t mind the company… would you like to join me?”

 

* * *

 

     The forests erupt from the edge of the valley in fiery golds and crimsons. Maple saplings stand at Kagero’s height, their reddened, waxy leaves like sweets stuck all over the ends of branches. A chilly autumn breeze lifts her ponytail and seeps through her scarf, tingling her shoulders and arms. She watches over her liege ahead of her and notices that the wind has similarly tousled his long hair.

     “It’s so beautiful out here, I’m so glad we made it. The maples must be at their peak! Hardly any of them are barren.”

     “Yes… I think they were waiting for you to see them, Milord.”

     “Ha… that may be the case, but they were probably waiting for you as well,” he turns around to smile at her, “it’s too bad that I didn’t bring a scroll or a book for writing poetry, it’s the _perfect_ scenery. But I could always return later.”

     Kagero nods, “I’d like to bring out my sketchbook myself, but I will wait until my own time off to do so.”

     “Well… why don’t you bring it with you the next time you’ll guard me? We’ll work on our endeavors together. It’ll be nice to share another afternoon with a kindred spirit.” There is a glimmer of warmth in his eyes and Kagero wishes she could smile back so freely.

     “Well, thank you, Lord Ryoma. I will look forward to it.”

     They stand in the dip of the valley, appreciating the vibrancy of the landscape bordering it. And as always, Kagero scans the forest for any signs of danger while studying the yellow-orange hues of the oak trees. She catches her liege glancing towards the mountains, craning his chin as if searching for someone.

     “…I wonder if he’s made it there by now. I hope he is not too worn out, having to manage his affairs in Igasato immediately after his intelligence mission. I worry I have overburdened him.” Lord Ryoma mutters absent-mindedly. As if suddenly remembering that he has company, his eyes widen and turns bashfully towards his retainer.

     “Ah, Kagero, forgive me. Never mind that.”

     Kagero shakes her head. “It’s fine, Milord. But I don’t think you should be worried. If anything, I am grateful that you were able to give him my assignment while I am still recovering. I owe him my thanks as well… and I have faith that I will be able to deliver mine to him.”

     The Prince doesn’t respond, turning back to the mountains. Kagero debates whether to say something, but she notices the weary lines around his eyes, the frown etched into his chin. They recall an old ache, one almost unfamiliar but not yet forgotten.

     “…It was difficult, at first, to wait for Saizo. Until he returned from his missions. I had been on many challenging assignments with him before, and I knew that he was able to come back home alive. But it’s not until things change, once you cross that line together, when you realize how vulnerable someone is.”

     “Yes, that is true-” Lord Ryoma replies pensively before he freezes. Face awash in horror, he slowly turns towards his retainer, “-How did you…?”

     “I’ve had a lot of practice at reading people in my line of work… I can tell that your spirits have been lower since Saizo departed, more so than usual,” she offers (though she does not dare tell him the truth of how she knows), “But Lord Ryoma, I assure you that your secret is safe with me.”

     “T-thank you, Kagero.” The color gradually returns to his ashen cheeks.

     “And Milord, if I may say as one entrusted to watch over you, I hope that you will make the time to relax in the coming weeks, even though it is tempting to think about what could happen while he is gone,” she pauses, “I can tell that you feel very strongly about him.”

     “I, I do,” the Prince stutters slightly and shakes his head, “I’m sorry, Kagero, I hope that this isn’t uncomfortable for you. If you’d like, we can change the subject to another matter.”

     “Thank you for your thoughtfulness, My Liege. But I do not mind. Our relationship is a matter of the past now, for quite some time. We are still partners, but I have found my own way and he has found his.”

     Lord Ryoma’s face lights up. “Hmm, so does that mean that have you met another traveler along the way?” His wry smile disarms her. Kagero glances to the side.

     “It is better for ninja to not disclose their personal affairs,” she responds as plainly as she can without blushing. The Prince chuckles.

     “That doesn’t seem entirely fair, considering what you know about me, but I won’t pry.”

     He climbs towards the top of the dip in the valley, her eyes trailing after him. Wind blowing his ponytail askew, Lord Ryoma turns around with a smile. The red of his haori pops against the golden trees behind him.

     “Well, whomever they are, or if there is someone at all, you’ve seemed more at ease lately,” he shouts towards her, against the wind. “You seem… happier. I’m glad.”

     The faintest of smiles creeps across Kagero’s face as she follows her liege to the other side.

 

* * *

 

     Despite the thick, runny mud caked to her knees and shin guards and the water collected by her scarf, now trickling down her tunic, Kagero decides she does not need change back in her room.

     Leaping onto the roof of the training courtyard, she nearly slides off the tiles, still slick with rain. She regains her footing and nods towards Kaze, who, unsurprisingly has attracted a large gathering of female recruits at the end of their sparring lesson. He nods back at her apprehensively and gives her a slight wave. She chuckles to herself before leaping up the next row of tiles.

     Zig-zagging up the roofs and crawling from one structure to the next, with more cautious foot-holds this time, Kagero crawls up to the screen windows near the highest floors of Shirasagi Castle. She shivers slightly from the dampness on her skin and the cool wind passing through. Rapping on the screen windows, they open after a few moments. Wide-eyed, her new girlfriend glances her over, frowning once she sees her tunic and armor dampened with mud.

     “Hello,” Kagero greets her quietly.

     “You are _remarkably_ wet. You didn’t bother to change before clanging up all the way up here to see me? That isn’t very inconspicuous behavior for a ninja.” Orochi purses her lips.

     “No,” the kunoichi leans over and pecks her on the forehead, “But I just wanted to see you after I finished.”

     Orochi sighs and extends a hand out to Kagero, gently leading her from the window. “Here, come inside. I don’t want my dear Kagero to catch a cold or to bring the typhoon in here.” She frowns again and places a hand on her lover’s shoulder after closing the screen. “Oh no, you’re freezing! Let me go get some of my towels for you and help you dry off.”

     The diviner scuttles off to her private washroom, a privilege afforded to retainers who protect the sitting ruler. Kagero steps out of her sandals and leans over to untie her gauntlets and various guard plates, sighing in relief as they clatter to the floor. Unwinding the scarf around her neck, she notices it drip onto the tatami mats below.

     “Orochi?”

     “Yes?”

     “I’m sorry, my scarf is very wet, is it okay if I place it in your washroom?”

     Orochi pokes out her head and clicks her tongue, noticing the small puddle on her floor, “Yes, that would be the best.”

     Kagero brings over the scarf and places it on the side of a washtub. Her lover turns towards her, beginning to pat down her arms with a towel.

     “Thank you, Orochi. I can clean up that puddle now if you have an extra towel.”

     “There’s no need for that, I don’t think it will stain. But I appreciate the thought.” She smirks and purrs playfully, squeezing Kagero’s arm, “You are absolutely sopping, my dear. I didn’t think that you’d be like this _already_.”

     “ _Orochi-_ ” Kagero hisses, flushing, “You don’t have to say that so loudly-”

     Orochi laughs heartily. “Why should we have to stay so quiet, Kagero? Reina is the only other person who lives on this floor, and you were pretty loud the other night when I was sucking on your c-”

     Kagero cuts her off with a kiss. Orochi leans into it, pressing their bodies together, before pulling away with a smile.

     “It won’t happen again,” the former mutters stoically.

     The diviner cocks an eyebrow before smooching her on the cheek, “Well, we’ll have to see about that. It sounds like you’re giving me a challenge, doesn’t it?” Kagero chooses not to respond.

     Orochi dries off Kagero’s arms, rubbing off the splotches of mud drying on them.

     “How was your training today?”

     Kagero hesitates, slightly distracted by the hands now moving to pat down the front of her tunic. “I… think it went well. The recruits stood their ground sparring against some of the novice ninja. And they’ve made considerable gains in the last month alone.”

     Orochi’s hands press against her abdomen over her wet tunic. Kagero feels an ache down below.

     “Did you have a nice day, Orochi?”

     “It wasn’t terribly eventful. I watched Yukimura fumble over a tactics board, that was interesting,” the diviner grins, catlike, “But my day has already improved since you arrived.” Her hands move upwards. Kagero keeps a straight face and bites the inside of her cheek.

     Orochi removes the hand holding the towel, letting it hover slightly above Kagero’s chest. Her grin widens. “Kaze has been helping you out, hasn’t he? What has it been like teaching combat with him?

     Kagero doesn’t respond, heart pounding in her ears.

     “He’s rather non-confrontational in his everyday life, isn’t he? Or does he just release this animalistic side of him when he’s fighting?”

     “Orochi… please… I don’t want to talk about our childhood friend while doing this,” Kagero hisses, the heat rising up to her face.

     Her lover smiles innocently, “Doing what, my dear? I thought I was just helping you dry off?” Her hand still hovers in the air.

     “Orochi, _please_ ,” Kagero rolls her eyes.

     “Oh fine,” Orochi chuckles, “I’m sorry for making it go on like this, but you are just such a delight to tease.”

     She cranes her head to kiss the side of Kagero’s neck and squeezes one of her breasts. Her hand snakes underneath the fabric of her tunic and bra to thumb a nipple while another grabs her hip. Kagero tilts her head back, lips parting. 

     “So is this what you wanted?” Orochi asks between nibbling on her neck. The kunoichi hums affirmatively.

     “And let’s get this wet thing off of you too.”

     Kagero nods, lifting her arms to let the other woman peel off her tunic, which she casts to the side. She swiftly undoes the clasp on her bra, letting it slip off before pulling her girlfriend into a deep kiss. Fondling her breasts, Orochi presses up against Kagero, who grips onto her head and waist for support. The former pulls away, breathing heavily, lashes drooping over violet eyes.

     Kissing her on the cheek, Kagero attempts to pull off Orochi’s diviner top until it gets stuck in her hair ornaments on top. They both laugh at the bandeau flipped over completely on her face.

     “I’m sorry, let me help you,” the kunoichi says before reaching through the top of the cloth, fishing out the various combs and pins holding up her lover’s hair.

     Orochi frees her head from the shirt, pin-straight lavender hair floating down onto her shoulders and the tops of her breasts. Smiling, she rolls off the diviner’s bracelets still on her wrists and reaches up to brush aside the fringe covering Kagero’s left eye. Her hand rests on her chin and jaw. Kagero’s heart slows until both of their lips and tongues find one another again. She kisses down the side of her lover’s neck and shoulders, sucking on the skin.

     “Kagero- just make sure not to leave any marks on my neck this time. I can’t start wearing a scarf with my uniform like you can,” Orochi hums.

     Lighter this time, Kagero moves from her shoulders to kiss and cup her breasts. Orochi sighs happily when she kisses and sucks on one of her nipples while rolling around her other breast. Kagero’s other hand caresses the dip in her waist.

     Nodding over at the futon and hand still on her hip, the kunoichi guides the other woman over to it and straddles her on top. Strands of purple hair stuck to the sides of her face and forehead glowing with sweat, Orochi’s violet eyes stare back inquisitively, invitingly into her own.

     Kagero’s heart leaps at her radiance.

     “You are so beautiful,” she whispers before she resumes kissing her neck and breasts. Orochi grips onto her arms for support.

     “…Could you try using a little teeth too? I’m pretty sure that the only person seeing me without my top on in the foreseeable future is you,” the diviner asks coyly.

     Kagero flushes and nips the skin on Orochi’s breasts. She rolls around a nipple with her tongue and gently bites it. Her lover moans into it, arching her back. Swooping her exposed back with a hand, she moves down to lovingly kiss the curve of her stomach and the top of her waistband. Warmth gathers in her own abdomen.

     “Please, go on,” Orochi says in between pants.

     The kunoichi starts to tug down her trousers and pauses, staring at the top of her exposed thighs. She decides to kiss one of them, earning a ticklish giggle.

     “I…think I’m ready to try using my mouth this time.”

     “Well, in that case, I’ll get readjusted to receive your oral praise.”

     Kagero rolls her eyes. Laughing, Orochi fluffs up the pillows behind her and lounges on them, cheekily resting her chin in her hand. Kagero eyes her over, flushing.

     “Is everything alright, my dear?”

     “Y-yes, I just don’t really know where to begin.”

     “Mmm,” Orochi plays with a strand of her hair, “There’s not much you can really botch if you just use your mouth and tongue… Why don’t you try doing to me what you like done to yourself?” she pauses and raises an eyebrow, “Wait, you don’t mean- are you telling me that he never ate you out?”

     “O-of course he did!” Kagero says indignantly, cheeks reddening, “J-just, I’d rather not think about my ex when I’m doing this.”

     Her girlfriend laughs, “I understand. And I’m sure _I’m_ the better sight for sore eyes.”

     Kagero crouches over Orochi, slowly drawing down her pants and underclothes, steadying her breathing. She lays pecks along her exposed thighs, feeling her shiver underneath. Craning her head in, Kagero kisses the center of her folds. Holding onto Orochi’s round thighs, she finds her clit with her tongue and licks it with the flat of her tongue. Her partner moans softly, hips rising to meet her mouth. And suddenly, Kagero jerks her head away and angles it to go down lower. She darts her tongue inside of her, earning a yelp from Orochi. She continues to press her tongue inside of her but hears no more reactions from her partner. Pausing, she pops her head up.

     “Are you doing okay?”

     “Kagero… maybe we should try something else?” Orochi asks kindly, hand resting on the back of her lover’s head. Kagero sighs.

     “So it was that bad?”

     The diviner leans down to peck the side of her mouth. “Absolutely not my love, and that’s the truth. But I don’t think it’s really doing much for me tonight.”

     Kagero nods, a bit crestfallen. Orochi frowns and caresses her cheek.

     “Oh no, I’m sorry. Listen… I still haven’t fully learned what you like yet either! We’ve only made love a few times, and the more we do it, the more we’ll learn about our preferences!” She cocks an eyebrow playfully, “Why don’t I try showing you what _I_ like for now, and then you can try showing me what _you_ like afterwards?”

     “Well,” Kagero remembers the sight of Orochi’s head in between her legs the other night and bites her lower lip, “It is a tempting offer.”

     Her girlfriend beams, “I’m glad we have a deal! And Orochi is sure this one won’t make you stay quiet either!”

     They switch positions, Orochi leading Kagero down to the pillows by a hand. She kisses her way down, sucking on her neck and breasts and caressing the hardened muscle of her thighs and arms. Considerately, she does not kiss the delicate skin around the newly-formed scar on her abdomen, delicately tracing over it instead.

     “I’m so glad you’re still here,” Orochi pauses. Kagero reassuringly places her hand on her shoulder, nodding for her to continue, which she does with a renewed smile.  

     The diviner nuzzles her hips, leaving small kisses on them and the sinews of her thighs. She pulls off her underclothes, and using her tongue, separates Kagero’s folds, sucking on them. Kagero inhales heavily, heat rising to her face and neck. Orochi drags her tongue up to her clit and methodically licks the edge of it. One of her hands snakes up to fondle her right breast while she continues to stimulate the clit, teasingly hitting the center of her arousal only to go to the side. The kunoichi’s hand flies to her own mouth, only to suppress a slight whine. She bites down on her tongue.

     Removing the hand from Kagero’s breast, Orochi slips a finger inside of her. It curls up against the wall, nearly hitting it at the same time as her tongue darts out to the center of her clit. Her lover’s legs quake around her and a tiny whimper escapes from her mouth. Orochi briefly peeks up.

     “Mmm… did I hear something?”

     “No,” Kagero’s muffled response through her hand.

     “Well, I’ll just keep working at it then.”

     Orochi continues to pleasure her with her mouth and fingers, adding another one this time. Kagero, not ready to back away from her promise, clamps her hand tighter on her mouth. The sight of her lover’s head between her legs, long lashes drooping, nearly sends her over and she decides to close her eyes.

     A second hand reaches up to stimulate her breast. Kagero’s hips push into Orochi’s face, who finally, blissfully, swirls her tongue around the center of her clit. It pushes her over the edge.

     “Orochi- _fuck_!” she exclaims, defeated.

     Kagero bucks up her hips, grunting into the orgasm pulsing throughout her body. She sinks into the pillows, panting and letting her hand rest against her forehead. Orochi emerges with a wide smirk, wiping off the side of her mouth.

     “When you challenge Orochi, you _know_ that I’ll be bringing out my best! You’re not very good at keeping your voice down, you know?”

     Still collapsed, Kagero laughs. “I love you.” Her girlfriend grabs the hand she offers, pulling her upwards into a deep kiss.

     Between kisses, the woman on the bottom announces, “Now it’s my turn to try something with you.”

     Orochi giggles, “I would love that, my dear,” and to her utter surprise, she finds her back flipped over onto the futon. Kagero gives her a slight smile from her position on the top. Orochi’s cheeks glow pink, eyes widening.

     “What would you like?” Kagero asks huskily.

     Still blushing, her girlfriend stammers, “A-anything, as long as you’re like this.”

     “Mmm… I think I have an idea.”

     Kagero crawls off Orochi and sits against the pillows again, patting the space between her legs, “Come, sit against me.”

     Orochi scoots up against her, perfectly lining her back up against her torso. “I’m all yours,” she flutters her eyelashes.

     Brushing her hair over to the right side of her neck, Kagero kisses the bare left side. Orochi giggles. Kagero’s hand moves from her hip down to her folds, where her fingers discover her clit, rubbing it slowly. Her other hand gropes at her breast. Sighing, Orochi arches her back against the other woman.

     Rolling around a nipple in her hand, the kunoichi uses several other fingers to pry inside of her while stimulating her clit with her thumb. Her wet fingers return back to the clit and lightly move it back and forth. Orochi moans and twists her head back. Her neck now fully exposed, Kagero buries her face in it, sucking gently on it, so as to not leave any marks. Orochi’s breast still in her hand, she thumbs and pinches her beaded nipple while increasing the number of strokes on her clit. Sensing the warmth rushing back down below, Kagero grinds against Orochi’s ass.

     The diviner bucks her hips up to meet her lover’s fingers as several go back inside her again. She grips onto Kagero’s legs on either side of her. Kagero breathes heavily into her lavender hair while continuing to play with her clit.

     “K-Kagero, a little lower,” Orochi pants. She obliges with a small nip on her neck, making her yelp and dig her fingernails into her thighs. Kagero winces slightly.

     Orochi’s breathing becomes labored, chest rising and falling with the strokes of Kagero’s fingers, “Just- a little- more-”

     She tilts her head upwards, giving Kagero the perfect opportunity to angle in for a kiss. Orochi comes with a surprisingly quiet yelp, arching her back. Her lover holds onto her, stroking her through as she rides out the orgasm. The tension unwinding in her body vibrates through Kagero’s own. The diviner lies flush against her chest, breathing heavily. Sweat dampens her hair, rolling down her face and down Kagero’s torso.

     “That was wonderful,” Orochi laughs blissfully, “I should let you take charge more often then.” The comment earns a slight smile from her girlfriend.

     Kagero leans over and smooches her on the top of her head. “I love you.”

     “I love you so much,” Orochi returns before they kiss. Kagero pulls her in closer, her hand fitting on her hip, locking their bodies and limbs and mouths together. How perfectly, divinely they seemed to fit together, the hard sinews of her body against the fullness of Orochi’s curves.

     The two women collapse on Orochi’s futon, content and exhausted. Orochi runs her fingers through Kagero’s dark hair while she nuzzles her elbow. A silent reverence hangs over them, happy with not exchanging words for now.

     After some time, Kagero rolls onto her back, yawning, “Well, I’m a getting a bit hungry. Would you like to go to the dining hall together after cleaning up?”

     Orochi sticks out her tongue, “Mmm… thank you. But I _just_ ate.”

     She cracks up as her girlfriend flips the futon comforter over her face.

     “I’m only kidding!” the diviner pulls the blanket down, “But yes, I am getting hungry and maybe later… we can have seconds.” She kisses Kagero’s bare shoulder before retrieving her clothing on the tatami mats. The ninja walks over to pick up the tunic still drying in the bathroom washtub.

     “Hey,” Orochi calls behind her, “Why don’t we go to one of the restaurants by Shirasagi Square since we’re both off tonight? It will be my treat!”

     An effervescent feeling rises in Kagero’s chest, a bubbly lightness tingling throughout her body. She turns around and gives her one of her rare open-mouthed smiles. It’s one she’s sure Orochi hasn’t seen in years.

     “I would be so glad to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh I can't believe I am almost done! The next chapter will be the last one, and there might be a little bonus epilogue at the end too :). 
> 
> This was such a fun, effortless chapter to write and I loved writing Kagero at the most relaxed she has been all fic long (she really deserves it though) and the flirtatious push-pull dynamic between her and Orochi in the bedroom.
> 
> The chapter title comes from Janelle Monae's ["Make Me Feel"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGRzz0oqgUE). I really wanted a fun, gay, and sexy song and this one, which was on my mind with the rest of "Dirty Computer" all summer, fit the bill perfectly!


	14. Laugh with Me, Buddy, Jest with Me, Buddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the end, an old relationship and commitment is reforged.

     It is the middle of the night when Saizo slips into Shirasagi Castle.

     He slinks through the shadows of the corridors which, on little sleep the past few nights, seem to stretch on for much longer. But a determination to reach his last stop burns slowly inside of him, powering his final stretch. Without even pausing to collect his breath, he reaches the doors to Ryoma’s chambers and slides it open.

     His lover jolts up from his futon and runs to catch the weary man, stumbling onto the tatami mats. Saizo nearly collapses in his tight embrace, reassuring Ryoma that he is alright. Rather stubbornly, he insists on delivering his mission report against the protests of the prince, who redirects him over to the futon, hand supporting his shoulder.

     Saizo does not have the chance to deliver his report until the next day, when he awakens bleary-eyed at noon to find a kettle of tea on a brazier by his side and his liege, seated at his usual spot by the writing desk. Sluggishly, he props himself on his shoulders and turns to watch Ryoma at work. Admiring his sharp jawline, lips frowning in concentration, hair charmingly draped over his left shoulder, Saizo decides that his briefing can wait, stalking over to kiss the back of Ryoma’s head instead.

     He is grateful to have made it home alive again.

 

* * *

 

     Perched on the skeletal branch of a tree, Kagero observes the forest floor. The ninja recruits dart through bushes and snake around trees. They attempt to steal the strips of yellow or blue fabric tied to their arms, depending on which color is the opposite of their own band. It is an exercise they have run through periodically for almost half a year, but the lack of foliage for concealment adds another challenge. Nevertheless, they have quickly adapted to the circumstances of their environment and the movements of their peers.

     Kagero studies a pair of boys zigzagging through a tangle of trees when she senses a weight next to her on the branch.

     “Kagero.”

     “Saizo. Welcome back.”

     They briefly nod at one another before diverting their attention towards students below, watching them silently.

     “Hmm, I see they’re still doing evasion exercises.”

     “They’ve been doing close distance combat and lock picking exercises the last few days. I thought it would be beneficial for them to switch.”

     Saizo’s brow narrows, studying the recruits. “Hmm. Well, I can see they’ve been receiving good guidance from my brother and you.”

     He notices the faintest of smiles on Kagero’s face. “Thank you. But it will help now that you’re back.”

     “It’s good to be home.” He coughs and shifts on the branch, turning towards the other ninja, “Kagero… there’s something I should have said before I left… I was thinking about it while I was on the mission.”

     He pauses. “I just, want to apologize to you. I haven’t been treating you well these last few months. It was… cowardly of me to avoid you after your accident. That was wrong of me as your partner. You deserve better than my recent conduct.”

     Kagero’s face is relaxed, nodding patiently for him to finish his thoughts.

     “I was confused for a while about what I really wanted. About us. But instead of talking to you about it, I ran away from you. I’m sorry. If I had been more honest with my feelings and with you much earlier, we could have spared ourselves that fight. I… shouldn’t have said what I did about our relationship to you. Kagero, I know you weren’t out to ruin my happiness. I _was_ happy in our relationship, we _were_ happy, but-”

     “I don’t think we would have made ourselves the happiest, I agree,” she cuts in, shaking her head. “Saizo, I think it’s time for me to apologize as well. _I_ was the one who provoked you in the training yard. I shouldn’t have confronted you or said those things about you and our lord.

     “I regret humiliating you like that and attacking your pride. It was a callous thing of me, to question the legitimacy of your commitment to serving Lord Ryoma and his feelings towards you. It was impulsive, cruel. And I should have respected your privacy. I am sorry.”

     Saizo closes his good eye, “Thank you, Kagero. I’m sorry as well.”

     They both sit quietly, wearily, but also with the strange lightness that slowly comes after lifting the burden of guilt. Their eyes still train on their students.

     Kagero begins again, “I- think I hadn’t entirely moved past us at that point. To be truthful, I was… envious of you then. We had made the commitment to sacrifice our relationship for the sake of our lord, and then you had both found each other. I felt like a betrayal at the time, to our liege, to me, but I realized later that it was not your intention.”

     “Well, I should have told you about my feelings towards Lord Ryoma earlier,” Saizo bows his head. “You weren’t the only one who thought that I had betrayed our lord. I even attempted to resign as his retainer because I feared that I failed him. He talked me out of it after opening up to me himself.”

     Kagero’s eyes widen, “…Really? I had no idea. But nevertheless, I do not think it was my business to know. After we broke up, we intended to have our own lives. And we still do. But I’m glad that our liege convinced you to stay.

     “I spent some time talking with Lord Ryoma during your mission, and I can see the depth of his feelings. He always seemed happier when he talked about you, but I could tell that he missed you greatly.”

     Kagero notices the slight twitch of muscles upwards underneath Saizo’s mask. “He did?” he asks softly, slightly turning towards her. She nods affirmatively. He coughs.

     “I-I mean, thank you,” his voice deepens, sobers. “For saying that. I’m… sorry if you don’t want to discuss this.”

     “It’s fine. I think I was more attached to the idea of what we were than what was really happening in the present. We were drifting away from each other, arguing more, even before we ended the relationship. Saizo, we shared a lot of wonderful memories together, but I don’t think we could have made it last. It was inevitable.”

     Saizo nods thoughtfully. “I was attached to our relationship as well. When you got injured, when I saw you in the infirmary, I remembered why I had loved you. But I feel that we stayed together as long as we did because we _wanted_ it to work.” He chuckles, “We were both too stubborn to admit we were wrong.”

     “Hm,” Kagero smiles grimly, “Sometimes I think our similarities had a greater factor in ending our relationship than our differences… to an extent. But I think that’s why we’re much better matched with other people.” She turns towards her partner, “If I may say so, I think Lord Ryoma and you are well matched for each other. He is a man who is also strong in his convictions, and I think his personality is better suited to handle your passionate outbursts than mine.”

     Saizo smirks at the slight jab underneath his mask. “You may be right. But I think Ry-Lord Ryoma,” he quickly corrects himself, “Inspires certain things in myself, encourages me to try new things. I’m happy to be with him.”

     A glint of light flashes in his good eye as he directly faces his partner. “I have a feeling that Orochi will be more willing to go on those dates which you always tried to get me out on.”

     Kagero nearly falls out of the tree.

     Cool composure compromised, she stutters, “W-w-what? How, how did you-? You, you haven’t even been back for that long!”

     Saizo chuckles and shakes his head, “Hmph, don’t think that you’re the only one who can find out about secret relationships. I was passing through one of the courtyards last night, and it’s so difficult to not hear that cackling laughter of hers. Fearing what sort of dreadful machination she had devised to torture the inhabitants of Shirasagi Castle with, I decided to watch after her. From a safe distance. But all I saw was you both linking hands together and making eyes at each other. You looked _very_ cozy.”

     Much to her chagrin, Kagero notices the crinkling around his eyes as he smirks at her.

     “…So that’s how it is,” she mumbles.

     “I think you’re well matched to each other too.”

     Kagero raises her eyebrow. “Should I take that as a compliment?”

     “Yes. I think you both…you’re both different, but you’ve never felt the need to change the other person. You’ve just always understood each other in a way that other people don’t.” Saizo pauses thoughtfully, “Maybe that’s what we both needed in the end.”

     She looks down and smiles shyly to herself. “Thank you. And I agree.”

     Content, the two ninja direct their full attention back to their students on the forest floor. A novice with a yellow band tied around his arm leaps from a tree branch, clamping onto the back of a kunoichi, but she uses his weight to throw him against the ground. From his toppled position, he grabs onto her ankle, bringing her down with him. The boy crawls over to snatch the blue band tied to his adversary’s arm, when another blur leaps out of the bushes, pinning the ninja to the ground. Her rescued teammate scrambles from her position to claim their prize, hoisting the yellow band in the air.

     “Nice divergence,” Saizo mumbles approvingly.

     Kagero nods, “And by attacking each other directly, the two students were also able to use their opponents’ strengths against each other. The third student was able to use her opponent’s false sense of victory to assist her teammate.”

     “Sometimes waiting is better.”

     “And sometimes attacking at the first opening is beneficial.”

     “Mmm. You know… I’ve been thinking about what I said earlier. About finding someone who doesn’t feel the need to change their partner. Maybe… we could be more like that- in a strictly professional sense, of course.”

     Kagero cocks her head towards him.

     “Maybe we can figure out how we can use our different fighting styles to our advantage, rather than try to persuade the other to adopt theirs. We can look to those kids down below as an example, using direct and indirect force to claim their victory.” He scratches his chin.

     “I think I understand where you are coming from. We have been retainers to the same lord for years, but it’s time that we start acting like partners in our missions and teaching. Our students in the future can only benefit from learning both our styles and finding which aspects suit them the best.”

     “I agree.” Saizo nods down below, “But I think this round of students already has. They probably only need a few more weeks and some strict coaching until they can start going on basic missions.” He turns towards Kagero, “Do you think we can do it?”

     “I think we can work something out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, we did it!! Thank you so much for seeing this through to the end, and I hope that you enjoyed reading it as much as I liked writing it. Thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments on this so far, your kind words definitely touched me and kept me motivated! And most of all, thank you to the friends who encouraged me throughout this long marathon of a fic, laughed at all the silly jokes I sprinkled throughout it, and gave feedback for certain scenes and chapters that I wasn't sure about (special kudos to AO3 user OrangeBlossoms who beta read at least a third of the chapters <3\. Please check [her writing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrangeBlossoms/pseuds/OrangeBlossoms)) out!
> 
> For now, this is probably going to be my only FE14 fic; I just really wanted to write one that did justice to my absolute favorites Kagero and Saizo. And I'm so glad that I took the leap of writing it! There's other F/F couples in other FE games that I'm very excited to write about! But I'm not unwilling to return to the characters or the game for a one-shot in the future :). If you want to keep track of my writing process or chat, my twitter is @petitforce.
> 
> And as always, the title of this last chapter is from Willie Nelson's ["Buddy"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDfLETGv28g), which is a song that never fails to not make me cry ever since I heard it on "Parks and Rec". 
> 
> P. S. Don't miss the fun little epilogue I'm publishing right after this either ;)!


	15. Epilogue

     Orochi shivers underneath the sheets, pulling them a little tighter around herself and Kagero. Exhaling, a foggy white cloud escapes her mouth, twisting through the early morning light. She frowns. Hadn’t the winter dragged on long enough already? Resigned to the chill, she ducks underneath the blankets and pecks her girlfriend’s bare shoulder blade.

     “Mmph,” is all the groggy Kagero can manage. She lazily rolls over to face the other woman. “Cold…” she mumbles before she slumps into Orochi, nuzzling her neck. An unruly section of her dark hair tickles her girlfriend’s face. The cuteness of it and the sleepiness of her face makes Orochi smile.

     “Good morning, my dear,” she purrs before cradling her chin in her hands.

     “Morning,” Kagero yawns and blinks, “It’s freezing. Do you think it snowed last night?”

     “Hm, my weather divination revealed that we would get some snow this week. Let me go check though…” Orochi plants a kiss between Kagero’s eyes before pulling the blankets from the top of their heads. The latter woman groans and ducks underneath the sheets again.

     “Don’t leave,” the heavy pile of blankets muffles Kagero’s plea. “It’s too cold. Stay here.”

     Orochi sits upright, pulling the comforter against her bare chest and rubbing her lover’s shoulder. “I’ll be quick, I promise. Then I’ll be back for you.” She winks before stealing the heaviest blanket on top, throwing it around her shoulders. Kagero groans underneath, pulling the remainder of the blankets around her into a tighter cocoon.

     Meanwhile, a window in another room down the hallway budges open, knocking down the powder that settled on its wooden frame.

     “ _What are you doing_?” Saizo hisses quietly, bolting out of his futon.

     Ryoma turns from the window to smile at him. “Look, it did snow! It’s so beautiful out there. Would you like to go for a walk when it warms up?”

     “Yes, yes, I can see that,” Saizo crawls over to grab the other man’s hand, “But-just- get back here! What if somebody saw you?”

     “Do you really think that there would be soldiers outside doing drills when it is this freezing and dark outside?” Ryoma tilts his head wryly. His boyfriend’s caution was considerate, if not a bit overbearing. “At least I put on some pants before I opened the window.”

     Saizo grumbles, turning away. The prince crawls back into the futon, folding his arms around him and kissing the back of his neck. He still can’t quite believe how impossibly hot the man is, bare-chested, in the frigid air. Small beads of sweat even gather on Ryoma’s forehead as he kisses down Saizo’s back, earning a slight groan.

     “We- should- at- least- get under the blankets,” Saizo grunts in between the pecks on his back. He pulls the sheets over them and moves in to kiss Ryoma.

     Underneath the blankets of Kagero’s futon, Orochi squeezes her lover while kissing her deeply. Their limbs and arms lock together, bodies huddled to share their warmth and heartbeats. Kagero begins kissing her way down Orochi’s torso, encouraged by the hand pushing on top of her head. The latter purrs, arching her back.

     “What would you like?” the ninja asks quietly from below.

     “Mmm, anything that you desire, my dear. Afterall, it is my day off-” Orochi freezes and groans. “ _Shit_. How forgetful of me.” She sits up on her elbows, prompting the other woman to get off.

     “Something the matter, Orochi?” Kagero asks with raised eyebrows, modestly holding the blankets against her.

     “Lady Mikoto… I promised that I would read her fortune this morning. And I’m going to be late!” Orochi frowns, fumbling into her pants, nearly flicking her foot on a shuriken left on Kagero’s messy floor in the process.

     And down the hall, another set of lovers interrupts an intimate moment.

     “Ah, Saizo, do you think we can take a small break?” Ryoma leans over to kiss Saizo’s forehead and sits up from the futon, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. “Can I use your bathroom down the hall?”

     Saizo balks, rolling onto his side, “Really? Right now?” He sighs. “Can’t you wait until later? There’s going to be servants and soldiers out in the hallway soon- what if somebody sees you coming out of my room?”

     “I’ll be quick, don’t worry. Would you rather that I wait in here all day?”

     “Yes-no- just, go quickly!” Saizo’s face reddens. “And put some clothes on too!”

     Ryoma reaches over to pick up Saizo’s faded blue robe off the floor, shaking it out. He hears a gasp behind him as he throws it over his shoulders.

     “ _Not that one_!”

     Orochi, hands shaking, races to pin up her hair in front of Kagero’s scarf-strewn mirror.

     “What about wearing your hair down today, if you’re in a rush?” Kagero offers while holding the back of her girlfriend’s coiffure in place.

     “I- I don’t even have the time to think about what else I could do it its place!” She adjusts the comb on top of her head. “Oh goodness, I don’t have any of my make up here. I’ll have to figure out something if Lady Mikoto isn’t already at my room!”

     She hobbles over into her platform sandals, “I’m so sorry, Kagero. Please call on me this evening in my quarters if you are able. I expect to be free then-” she grunts, attempting to jerk the sliding door. Kagero balks.

     “W-w-wait! You can’t open that now! I’m not decent!” She nearly trips over the blankets, trying to find a spare tunic among her clothes scattered on the floor. Kagero picks one up that doesn’t appear to be too dirty and gasps in horror. She slowly lifts up Orochi’s smallclothes from the pile. The diviner’s face pales.

     “Orochi, your!”

     “Th-there’s no time! Just bring them to me later!”

     “But-”

     “But Ryoma! You can’t wear that one, it’s mine! Everyone will know it’s not yours, it’s so old!” Saizo holds up Ryoma’s red haori, trying to remind him of the clothing he left behind.

     The prince sighs and ties the blue robe around his waist, “It’ll be fine, Saizo. I will be quick, as I promised.” He casually adjusts the front of the robe and satisfied, reaches over to slide open the door. The other man runs over to halt Ryoma from opening it the rest of the way.

     “What are you doing?” he hisses, “Let _me_ check to see if it’s clear!”

     Ryoma stands still, waiting for him to open the door, and Saizo balks. “ _Hide_!”

     Startled, Ryoma flattens himself against the wall while the ninja cautiously opens the screen. After a few moments, he hears it close.

     “It’s all clear, now move! What are you waiting for?” Saizo nudges him.

     “Kagero, I’ll have you know that I’ve gone for periods much longer than a morning without wearing any drawers, I’ll be fine!” Orochi insists. “Now I really should leave, I don’t want to keep the Queen waiting!”

     She opens the screen and steps into the hallway. Kagero, realizing that she has forgotten to put on anything, wraps the heavy blanket around her. “Hurry!” she whispers as she hears the sliding of another door on its tracks.

     Ryoma, in Saizo’s robe, slightly closes the screen behind him. Sighing, he turns and freezes to find another figure down the hallway. Orochi spins around, startled, but once she recognizes the High Prince, her face relaxes.

     “Ah, greetings, Lord Ryoma. A good morning to you.” She bows towards him. A startled noise comes from the room behind her.

     Ryoma nods, “Good morning, Orochi. It is nice to see you.” He feels something tug urgently at his robe through a crack in the doorway.

     The diviner and the prince both smile pleasantly, if not a bit forcedly. Orochi shifts her weight on her feet and Ryoma coughs. But suddenly, the realization that they are not standing in court but in the privacy of a retainers’ hallway hits them like the dawn’s light streaming through the windows. Eyes bulging, their backs flatten against the doors, behind which their partners desperately try to budge open.  

     “W-what are you doing here?!” they exclaim in unison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it would be fun to try switching perspectives in the epilogue, since it's something a little different :).


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